Video Game Retrospective -- Machine Games' Wolfenstein (Part 2)

 Wolfenstein II: The New Colossus (2017)

To start off, The New Colossus's main menu is plain black text on a white background. After a long loading time you're treated to an opening that will instantly wipe any smile off your face with depictions of domestic abuse, racist tirades, dog-shooting, and life-threatening surgery. First-time players will get the impression that Wolfenstein II is a game that takes itself very seriously (but that'll soon change). Five months after TNO B.J. Blazkowicz awakens from a coma crippled from his wounds sustained during the previous game's finale. The resistance has headquartered itself on the U-boat commandeered in the previous game and after expelling some pesky Nazi boarders they decide to sail to the USA to foment rebellion against the German occupation there. The main villain this time around is Frau Engel who somehow went from failed camp commandant in Croatia to minister of pretty much everything in the US. And yet apart from killing her, you accomplish surprisingly little during this game's story – although it does set up what will probably be a really awesome third game.

A lot of the plot also concerns Blazkowicz learning to deal with his troubled childhood and his own mortality. This is manifested by your limited health in the game's first half: only 50 points maximum. While this does make narrative sense it frustratingly makes the first several levels noticeably more difficult than expected, even going so far as forcing the player to adopt more cautious cover-based tactics. Combine this with B.J.'s poor decisions, rattled state of mind, fabulous eyelashes, and his emotional dependence on women and you get a protagonist who's rather frail by FPS standards. Thankfully this changes in the game's second half: BJ receives a new upgradeable body after surviving decapitation – don't ask – giving the player access to new abilities and further exploration.

The stealth sections of previous games return in overabundance; kill-the-commanders-first areas appear one after the other which is really unfortunate because I found this game's stealth to be more finicky than before. Enemies seem to spot you quicker and from a greater distance; half the time I'm found out I don't even know who spotted me. Multiple stealth areas have two commanders and these parts always place the second commander as obnoxiously far away from your starting position as possible. But once the shooting starts you've got plenty of options at your disposal. Not only is every weapon upgradeable but you can now dual wield almost any combination of weapons through the use of two clunky selection wheels that I tried to avoid using whenever possible. At least dual wielding doesn't slow you down any more and with the right weapons (shotguns, upgraded assault rifles) it turns you into an unstoppable juggernaut. Ammo is now picked up simply by walking over it – a welcome improvement – but armour still sometimes needs to be picked up manually (sometimes, at least). Melee is mostly unchanged, the only difference being that instead of a knife B.J. has started using a hatchet guaranteed to separate limbs from badguy bodies. Regardless of your methods, no enemy in The New Colossus simply falls down dead in one piece. Each kill results in plentiful gibs and buckets of blood splashing everywhere with all the subtlety of Machine Games' political views (more on that later).

While the gunplay remains alright the same can't be said of the level design. While the locations look great thanks to the new id Tech 6 engine, they have no variety at all. Save for the one level where you're walking through a small town's main street, every mission in this game can be described either as a sci-fi/industrial complex or a ruined city. That's it. The only thing keeping the levels from all blending together is the memory of how awful they were to play! This is due to two reasons: the aforementioned difficulty and their excessive length. Area 51 made me despair, Ausmerzer part 2 had me grinding my teeth, and the level on Venus was about the closest thing to digital misery that I've experienced. The only saving grace is that you're able to simply run through some of these overly-long levels without even fighting the enemies, something I found myself doing frequently. In short, TNC's missions make me want to puke and there's not a single one that I look forward to replaying.

This game's hub level, the submarine, isn't as frustrating but equally as perplexing. Like the resistance headquarters in TNO, the submarine is where you'll go to explore, read stuff, eavesdrop on other characters, etc. It scarcely resembles the sub seen in the previous game, with wide open areas, individual suites, and cavernous rooms that more closely parallel an aircraft carrier. And once you learn of the shenanigans and drama that go on here, this place will start to remind you of a trailer park.

You can chalk that up to the game's writing, which could have seriously used another edit or two. Idiot logic abounds. The resistance – the hope of all free men – routinely sends out pregnant and intoxicated soldiers to carry out dangerous missions, barely knows how to sail a submarine, gets really drunk the night before an important mission, and apparently never cared to check and see if there were any remaining Germans hiding on board the boat when they first captured it five months earlier.

As if that wasn't bad enough, the game's humour is downright embarrassing. The jokes are lowbrow and crude, reminiscent of a stoner comedy. There's “jokes” of people getting high, people throwing up, and people having sex in unexpected places. On the sub alone we get not one, not two, but three instances of somebody stinking up a bathroom. There's also numerous WTF moments where the game jumps the shark. One example is this cutscene late in the game in which you see a screaming topless pregnant woman drenched in blood while firing two submachine guns, a scene that's so over-the-top ridiculous that I'm sure it was reverse-engineered just to create this insane visual.

The game's interminable cinematics – which take up several hours of the game's length – suffer as a result. As mentioned earlier the story of The New Colossus deals with some heavy stuff but the serious moments keep getting interrupted and subverted by the stupid humour and cutscenes that try jamming too many different story elements together. The tone and pacing of any given moment is a total crapshoot.

And lastly I have to mention the political overtones. The game tries very hard to make some connection between Nazism and US culture, as if to say that there's something about Americans or white people in general that might make them receptive to national socialism (even though half the US citizen NPCs you encounter clearly detest the new regime). When you notice the year this game was released it's not hard to see what they're really trying to get at – let's just say it rhymes with zonald gump. Female characters keep telling male characters how much they suck, communists are portrayed as freedom-loving heroes, and the badguys are always referred to as “Nazis” and nothing else. Never do you hear the words kraut, jerry, boche, or hun (more common names for Hitler's foot soldiers), and the only time you'll hear the word German is in reference to the language, not the nationality. When you consider all this in combination with the excessive gore you wind up with a game that takes self-righteous gratification in its simplistic portrayal of society, race relations, and occupation politics. Was this game written by a collective of Twitter addicts? Unlike some gamers I'm OK with having political themes in video games but don't make them so ham-fisted and one-sided that it becomes a nuisance.

There are plenty of other things I could complain about – the lacklustre collectibles, the obnoxious music, unlikeable characters – but I think I've made my case clear. Wolfenstein II was a huge disappointment. When it rigidly sticks to just letting you shoot badguys it's a fine game, but the problem is that you've got to wade through an unfair challenge, awful level design, a nonsensical story, sanctimonious politics, and dumbass humour in order to reach the fun parts. Just like TNO, TNC has alternate timelines but no way am I playing this thing again! I'll just watch the alternate cutscenes on YouTube.

Wolfenstein: Youngblood (2019)

The warning signs were there; gamers did not take kindly to Youngblood. I read the negative reviews and I saw the disenchanted YouTubers. I saw the 2.6 (out of 10) user score on Metacritic. And yet I played the game anyways and I must confess I actually kind of liked it. Maybe I was intrigued by the game's unique design or maybe it's because it compared favourably to the offensively joyless slog that came immediately before it. Either way my time spent with Youngblood was overall positive. Here's why.

Youngblood takes place in 1980. The USA has been liberated, Blazkowicz has killed Hitler -- unceremoniously, and offscreen as well --  and the Third Reich's domain now only covers Europe (again, this is probably being saved for Wolfenstein III). B.J. has disappeared from his Mesquite, Texas, home leaving behind Anya and their twin daughters Soph and Jess. The girls, along with Grace's daughter Abby, get word that he may have travelled to Neu-Paris to help the resistance there and so the three of them follow BJ's trail and lend their aid to liberate the city of lights.

The most immediate difference this game has to previous titles is that for the first time you're not playing as B.J. Blazkowicz, you play as either Jess (the stealthier sharpshooter type) or Soph (the in-your-face-brawler type). Since neither are seasoned killers like their dad, they need to learn effective soldiering as evidenced by the skills tree you'll progress through. Some of these skills you unlock are quite helpful such as the ones which allow collectibles to appear on your mini map or allow you to deal damage to foes by simply charging into them. However it can feel a bit clumsy at the start to not have basic skills such as the ability to dual wield. But on the plus-side, your character wears the power suit throughout the whole game, allowing you to double-jump, ground pound, and even go invisible for a few seconds.

But the one aspect of the Blazkowicz twins that stole everyone's attention was their personalities. On one hand they've got a down-to-earth folksiness to them reminiscent of their homeland, and on the other hand they're a couple of naive and sometimes crass teenagers. The banter between them seems really genuine for teenage siblings, full of awkward nerdiness and spunk yet occasionally ruminating on the current state of their world. Flashing a friendly hand gesture to the other sister will grant a “pep” bonus – such as increased health or armour – which triggers lines like “hell yeah, dude” or “you're slayin' it!” I can see how Jess and Soph might be grating for some players but the low-hanging fruit of Beavis and Butthead comparisons are unfair. To me the “terror twins” are endearingly dorky, truly one of Youngblood's highlights.

The gunplay has also been refined. To my recollection, there's only two weapons that can be dual-wielded which makes weapon switching faster and less complicated. The weapons are even more modular than before; you can customize the stock, receiver, muzzle, sights, and magazine using upgrades from different brands which can grant different bonuses. You can even apply different skins to your weapons – though it's a shame that the best skins are hidden behind paywalls. These upgrades are purchased using money which can be found throughout the game's world and attained using the series' most convenient pickup system yet. Money must be picked up manually but the pickup button's range is generous enough, and as for health, ammo, and armour all you have to do is walk over it. Amazing, isn't it? It took four tries but Machine Games finally got it right.

As mentioned earlier the game is set in the early 1980's because what isn't these days? I think retro 80's culture is more popular today than it was in the 80's! At least Youngblood doesn't beat you over the head with neon pink bikinis and Lamborghinis. Still, the game throws in some great understated synth-driven music and the collectibles are delightfully retro: 3.5 inch disks, 3D glasses, cassette tapes, and UVK (i.e. VHS) tapes. The vibe is more restrained and European in character which makes sense given the setting – there might be as much French and German spoken in this game as there is English, not to mention there isn't as much current-day political pandering this time around. (Although the readables do contain a Donald Trump joke because of course they do, haha haha, those never get old.)

But enough about the positives, let's get to the gripes. Aside from the new player characters Youngblood's other uniqueness is its structure and flow: it's an open world game. The ultimate objective is to get inside Lab X where B.J. is supposedly holed up but in order to enter it the Blazkowicz sisters need to infiltrate and deactivate all three of the “Brother” Towers' defence systems. Theoretically one could try tackling these levels right away but without any weapons upgrades and additional skills your chances aren't that great. So you've got to level yourself up by completing quests and incidental side missions. This gives rise to two problems; firstly, for most of the game there isn't much story going on. In fact, there isn't really a villain until the last level. What's worse, this makes the game repetitive and this isn't helped by the fact that the world you have to play in is pretty small. Giving players multiple paths to approach combat situations doesn't change the fact that they're going to be fighting enemies in the same exact locations again and again. You also don't have a map so getting lost can happen from time to time. Additionally, every level takes place on foot so there's not much variety to be found. After the first hour or two you'll have already experienced pretty much all this game has to offer aside from the more advanced skills and weapons upgrades.

The reason for this monotony comes from the fact that Wolfenstein: Youngblood was going after the “live services” trend that was popular late last decade in which non-linear games were made with repetitive gameplay loops in order to get players playing online day after day after day. Games of this genre – like Anthem and Fallout 76 – tend to be lifeless and boring and while Youngblood isn't nearly as bad as those games it's easy to spot their influence. Like other live service shooters, this one has bullet-sponge enemies with health bars above their heads, bugs and glitches, microtransactions, and gameplay boosters. But on the plus side it does have coop and can be purchased at a discount by the second player (the “buddy pass”). One could argue that since it's a spinoff and not a main game in the series Youngblood's unique game design is acceptable. But does it make the game fun? That's the real concern.

Personally I think this game is alright. This latest Wolfenstein game has its share of strengths as well as some weaknesses; it avoided the problems that plagued The New Colossus but its design was neither inspired nor captivating. As stated earlier I enjoyed my time with it but once the end credits rolled I felt no desire to replay it and I probably won't for some time. If nothing else, at least they didn't make any of those uninspired French surrender jokes.

So that's the Machine Games Wolfenstein saga. We've seen some ups and some downs. I'm eager to see what Wolfenstein III will be like but I also appreciate the developers' willingness to take a chance with the two spinoff games. Hopefully this series is one that can get back in the saddle and blow us all away like it's done before.

Video Game Retrospective -- Machine Games' Wolfenstein (Part 1)

 It's been a hot minute since I wrote anything about video games. I've still been playing them – not much else to do this past year, right? – and I also finally got around to getting an 8^th generation console, a PlayStation 4. Back in July 2018 I published a list of my favourite video games ever and you may remember that that list included Wolfenstein: The New Order. With my more advanced console I now had the opportunity to play through all the recent Wolfenstein titles developed by Machine Games and published by Bethesda. Now that I've experienced them all I've found that I have a lot to say about them. I'm going to sum up all four of these games and give you my impression of them. This is an article I've been looking forward to writing so let's get started, in release order. SPOILERS AHEAD!

Wolfenstein: The New Order (2014)

A reboot of this venerable first-person shooter series, The New Order (TNO) had me hooked from the start. The slick menus, rockin' theme song, and humourous difficulty selection made a good first impression before the story had even begun. The game starts in 1946 with US special forces operative B.J. Blazkowicz taking part in the Allies' desperate all-out assault on the fortress of General Wilhelm Strasse (AKA Deathshead) whose fantastic technological advancements have given the Axis powers the edge in the war in Europe. Despite your best efforts the Allies fail and B.J. manages a narrow escape but is left in a vegetative state due to a severe head wound. He wakes up 14 years later to a world that has mostly been taken over by the Third Reich and the rest of the game revolves around his joining the resistance and bringing down Deathshead once and for all. And that's just the surface of The New Order's story; there are plenty of letters, newspaper clippings, unlockables, and audio logs that further flesh out this frightening world. It's also a world populated with some neat characters. Each good guy has their own reasons for why they rebel against the Nazi regime and its agents. General Strasse is an excellent villain. His affinity for human experimentation and callous disregard for human life make him the embodiment of pure evil. This brings me to The New Order's tone which is surprisingly well-balanced. In spite of its over-the-top premise and its overall adventurous feeling the game still addresses the moral implications of what a world ruled by Nazis would look like. TNO doesn't shy away from depicting the brutality of national socialism and the tragedy the characters face while at the same time it contains a bit of tongue-in-cheek flavouring just to let you know that this is merely a video game. This results in a variety of levels that will take you from a concentration camp all the way to a research base on the moon in a manner that's believable enough.

If you find yourself hooked by the story and premise then you'll be pleased to know that there's actually two different timelines to The New Order that the player chooses early on: the Wyatt timeline and the Fergus timeline, named after the character you decide to save in the opening level. Not only does each timeline have its own set of cutscenes but it also has exclusive side characters as well as exploration abilities, thus ensuring that your second playthrough will be a different experience than the first. Completionists rejoice.

I think my favourite level in TNO is the one taking place inside the tight confines of a U-boat which really gives the shotgun a chance to shine (too bad it's such a short level!). The weapons are the type you'd expect in a first-person shooter – pistol, shotgun, assault rifle, sniper rifle, grenades – but each of them has an alternate fire mode which adds variety. The most unique weapon is the laserkraftwerk which can either be fired as a laser gun or used as a torch to open up new areas for exploration.

TNO takes the form of an old-school shooter game: you can carry every weapon at once (using a selection wheel to switch) and there's a health and armour bar in place of regenerating health. The game uses a light cover system: to take cover simply stand in front of something and hold the aim button and BJ will peek out in the direction indicated by an arrow. Most of the time the cover system works fine but every so often it will force B.J.'s aim to snap to an empty spot straight ahead. The game makes use of a perk system which rewards players for performing actions such as a certain number of kills from cover or a certain number of grenade kills. These rewards take the form of passive stat boosters like higher damage, faster movement, and bigger magazines just to name a few. There are perks that support different playstyles. Charging in guns blazing is as valid an option as sneaking around and taking enemies out silently. Every so often you'll come across a section where there's an enemy commander who will call for reinforcements if he spots you, so you'll want to take him out as soon as possible. This forces the player to be more discreet, however the tools at your disposal – suppressed pistol, throwing knives, melee attacks – make the stealthy approach an inviting choice.

What isn't a choice is the game's clunky pickup system. In order to obtain ammo, health, armour, and collectibles you need to press the action button when prompted. The pickup prompts have a decent range – almost too decent in fact, as a prompt often pops up for something you can't even see. But picking up ammo from fallen enemies can be a bit of a hassle since they only drop minuscule amounts of bullets (often in the single digit range). I frequently found myself backtracking through a room I've just cleared while mashing the pickup button just to make restocking easier.

What's worse is the game's technical performance. The New Order runs on the id Tech 5 engine which was starting to show its age by 2014. Apart from the weapon models the graphics are lacklustre and objects that are on walls and tables are merely rendered as part of those surfaces in embarrassingly low resolution! There's also some bugs to be found. Some are harmless, others are not; I once had to restart a whole level due to a platform not raising which prevented me from opening a mission-critical gate. And this was just on Xbox 360 and PS4; I've heard that things were even worse on PC.

In spite of its flaws, Wolfenstein: The New Order is still an exquisite game that I'll play any day. I eagerly downloaded the next one to see what Machine Games next had in store.

Wolfenstein: The Old Blood (2015)

If you liked the opening level of The New Order then this game is for you. If you liked 2001's Return to Castle Wolfenstein (RTCW) then this game is for you too. I fit into both these categories so as you can imagine I was very pleased with The Old Blood (TOB). Set immediately prior to TNO, this game has B.J. Blazkowicz and Agent One infiltrating Castle Wolfenstein to learn the location of Deathshead's compound, the destruction of which might save the Allies from certain defeat. Unfortunately your cover is blown rather quickly and the two agents are taken prisoner so it's up to B.J. to break out, accomplish his mission, and escape in one piece.

I've always believed that Wolfenstein works best when it's rooted in the Second World War and The Old Blood succeeds in that task with flying colours, just like RTCW. The environments are recognizable for their period, with medieval villages and weapons of made of wood and steel. More than any other game in this franchise TOB makes you think about the people you're fighting thanks to their interesting banter and thought-provoking readables. (This is in sharp contrast to the rest of the games mentioned here in which the Germans are all one-track idiots who have nothing interesting to say.) The RTCW vibes are strengthened with the welcome inclusion of the occult elements encountered later in the game.

If you're planning on playing all Machine Games titles in this series I'd recommend starting with The Old Blood and not simply for chronological purposes. As it's a brief, stand-alone expansion to TNO it shares a lot of similarities with its predecessor including the same perk system, user interface, menu design, graphics, and manual pickup process (not to mention technical issues). However, TOB does away with cinematics, dual timelines, and globetrotting and instead presents a single unbroken perspective taking place in one geographic area over just a couple days with a more sombre tone and less over-the-top plot. Rather than “stripped-down” I think the game can be better described as a more intimate experience compared to the other games in this series. While it may be brief, The New Blood is an excellent addition to the series that I have no problem recommending to any fan of first-person shooter games.

Can't wait to see what comes next!

My Thoughts on the Star Wars Sequel Trilogy (2015-19)

(Warning: this article contains SPOILERS for Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker.)

  At an end, the Sequel Trilogy is. And not short enough, it was.

  Star Wars is perhaps the most beloved fictional property of the past 40+ years and while only time will tell if Episodes VII, VIII, and IX are the last films we'll see in this franchise (I kind of doubt it) we'll at least be left with these recent three to contemplate for the foreseeable future. So I'd like to take this opportunity to discuss my thoughts on the Star Wars Sequel Trilogy (2015-19).

  But first let me give you a little background on my personal history with Star Wars movies. In the 1990's I grew up in the lingering cultural wake of the original films. Without having watched the Original Trilogy I already knew the main characters, some of the lore, and the basic gist of the story. And then The Phantom Menace came out and just like that the whole world was awash in hype, nostalgia, and toys; my brothers and I had so many Star Wars toys we didn't know what to do with them all. We all thought Episode I was awesome and we watched it dozens of times on VHS. When Attack of the Clones came out I was conflicted; I liked the world-building and the stories it told but I thought the film itself was mostly boring. In spite of this, I was hyped for Episode III and when it came out I was not disappointed. Revenge of the Sith completely blew me away and from that moment on I was hooked on Star Wars. I read dozens of Star Wars novels, played every video game I could get my hands on, and of course I went back and finally watched the Original Trilogy which I found easy to admire. Sure, my opinions on various Star Wars movies have changed over time – see articles published July 2017 – but what hasn't changed is my fondness for the series as a whole.

  And then I heard that a whole new trilogy was being made. I was skeptical at first – Hollywood has a well-deserved reputation for doing ill-advised things just because it can – but when I heard that talented people were being put in charge (not to mention that the special effects would be as practical as possible) I kept an open mind and saw the series' latest entry on opening night.

The Force Awakens

  Since that night in December 2015 I've rewatched The Force Awakens only once. That pretty much sums up how I feel about it: it was only once, but I did want to rewatch it. The review I wrote for it ended in a four-out-of-five score which in retrospect seems rather generous. Maybe I was caught up in the hype or I was so relieved that it wasn't a bad movie. Episode VII was and still is respectable. The action is thrilling enough, Kylo Ren was a decent villain (even if his temper tantrums made him hard to take seriously at times), and the music was well done. But on the other hand most of the new characters didn't have much going for them, the effects were mostly CGI just like every other movie these days, and the world-building is lacking; there's not much to fill audiences in on what's happened to the galaxy since Return of the Jedi. What is the First Order and where did it come from? Who is Snoke and where did he come from? Does the New Republic rule the whole galaxy or does it share it with the First Order? Is the New Republic at war with the First Order? If so then why is it making a Resistance movement fight them? Why did it allow the First Order to make the superweapon, Starkiller Base?

  What bothered me more than Episode VII's lack of background was the fact that 90% of the movie is simply a remake of A New Hope; the plot is more or less the same, even a bunch of the scenes are similar. Regardless, I was willing to forgive most of these shortcomings at the time. Cramming in all the details and interesting arcs of a trilogy into the first film is a tall order. The filmmakers will have more freedom next time for crafting a truly great Star Wars film with Episode VIII, right?

The Last Jedi

  Oh, I'm afraid the suckage was quite operational when my friends and I arrived at the cinemas in December 2017. The Last Jedi was both a transparent ripoff of The Empire Strikes Back and also a heavily Disney-fied snoozefest. It's bad enough that the film was loaded with cutesy humour, little details explained in very dumbed-down terms, and a not-so-subtle political slant (a whole subplot about war profiteering and animal rights in a Star Wars film? Really?) but could they have bothered to make the premise exciting? The film is about the Resistance leadership – which many characters now refer to as “the Rebels” – in a handful of ships on the run from a First Order fleet. Why can't the Resistance ships hyperspace jump away? Because this. Why don't the First Order ships open fire on them? Because that. Why doesn't the First Order fleet attack with bombers and more than just a handful of fighters? Because this. Why don't the First Order ships make a small hyperspace jump to close the distance between the two fleets? Because they lack imagination. Why doesn't (sigh) vice admiral Holdo tell her officers her plan for escape? Because that. This isn't a plot that's fun or exciting. This is a plot made up of excuses! Sure, the majority of Episode V was about trying to escape an Imperial fleet too but it involved a variety of neat tactics and manoeuvres that made you appreciate the ingenuity of the main characters. The other half of The Last Jedi has Finn and some boring chick named Rose go and find a hacker who can help the Resistance in their flight from the First Order fleet, and this whole subplot – I'd say at least 35 minutes of the film – leads nowhere and is pointless.

  As for the rest of the film, what isn't lazily ripping off Episode V is basically turning everything upside down and discarding all the new trilogy's intriguing possibilities that could've developed further. Luke Skywalker is a sad loser who scarcely resembles the optimistic Jedi he was at the end of Episode VI. Snoke is killed off before we've learned much of anything about him. Princess Leia is now Superman apparently. Captain Phasma is killed off unceremoniously; they said she would be this trilogy's Boba Fett which she indeed turned out to be... in the most disappointing way. Also, hyperspace jumping one capital ship into another can apparently destroy half a fleet: so why haven't we seen this done in Star Wars before or since? It sure looked cool and it sounds to me like a way more effective attack than going through the trouble of building a superweapon (that will inevitably be destroyed).

  So yeah, The Last Jedi pissed a lot of people off, and I was one of them; I've not rewatched it since nor do I particularly want to. At this point I was starting to lose hope in this franchise and my expectations for part three weren't great. I knew I was going to watch Episode IX not out of a sense of anticipation, but rather a sense of obligation. The only thing about the marketing that intrigued me was that Palpatine was back – now that got my attention.

The Rise of Skywalker

  According to The Rise of Skywalker's opening text crawl, a message from Palpatine was broadcast across the galaxy and everybody is scrambling to find its source. Now let me ask: why was this world-shaking event relegated to the opening text? Imagine how cool it would have been to see everyone's reaction upon hearing a surprise message from the Emperor, a powerful and evil Sith who's been thought to be dead for the past 30 or so years! That would've made for one hell of a cliffhanger ending for The Last Jedi, wouldn't you say?

  Now you're not going to believe me, but get a load of this: Episode IX is an approximate remake of Episode VI. The laziness – err, I mean pattern continues and it makes the film kind of predictable. We see an evil empire armed with planet-exploding weapons headed by Palpatine who is confronted face to face with a lone Jedi who is aided by a former Sith who sacrifices himself. The only thing missing is the Ewoks... oh wait, never mind. There actually are Ewoks in Episode IX. In fact there are a ton of little incidental things you may remember from other, more creative Star Wars movies because the best that this one has to offer is an overabundance of fan service, cameos, and rehashed dialogue.

  What The Rise of Skywalker does bring to the table is a bunch of fake-out deaths, a rather dull explanation for Snoke, and a brand new giant fleet of Star Destroyers called the Final Order that Palpatine has been building in secret. The only downside is that this Final Order fleet doesn't really do anything, has a massive weakness, and is defeated easily as it floats helplessly in one spot. It makes me wonder if this fleet is even staffed by living people or just remote controlled. Are the personnel of its command ship clones? Where did they come from? Also, remember the whole Finn-might-be-in-love-with-Rey subplot? It's left unresolved, totally abandoned even though it was hinted at in all three films. What they did remember to tell us is Rey's origin: turns out she's Palpatine's paternal granddaughter. This raises several questions, such as who is Rey's dad then? And when/with whom was Palpatine bumping uglies? Who was he R2-Doing and when did he Darth Invader?

  I will say that The Rise of Skywalker is a better movie than The Last Jedi. It shares all the things I liked about the latter film – the fights, the effects, Kylo Ren, the music – and it has less of the things I hated like the childish humour, heavy-handed liberal politics, and boring plot lines. But it seems like it was written as a damage-control type of film meant to undo the mistakes of the previous two. As a result there's a lot of stuff that happens in just Episode IX, suggesting that this trilogy wasn't plotted out in advance as a smoothly flowing and proper story arc like the other two trilogies were. If you wanted to get the gist, the bare-bones story of the Sequel Trilogy you could arguably skip Episodes VII and VIII and be fine with watching IX on its own.

Conclusion

  Just to be clear, I don't think the Sequel Trilogy films are bad per se. They're an OK-to-average bunch of films that I kind of despise. It really says something when one of the only characters I sympathize with was Chewbacca; even though the poor fella can't talk I felt bad that he has to watch his old friends die over and over again. Luke and Han were brought back only to turn out as grumpy old losers. I thought the main character, Rey, was flat and uninteresting and most of the other new characters weren't much better.

  If you couldn't tell already, one of this trilogy's biggest flaws is the stunning lack of imagination on the part of both the writers and the artists involved. We should have been given a more detailed explanation of what the galaxy was like in the 30 years following Episode VI. There should have been superweapons that do something else besides blowing up a planet. The Final Order fleet should have fought back. Star fleets shouldn't still be using TIE fighters and X-wings. (Though to be fair the TIE fighters in Episode IX now have hyperspace drives, which they didn't before. That's something, I guess.) And we shouldn't be seeing battles and plots we've seen before. This is Star Wars, dangit, the series that takes place a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Get creative with it!

  But perhaps my biggest gripe with the Sequel Trilogy is that it diminishes the events and characters of the previous films. The first six episodes cover the life of Anakin Skywalker, his origin, his rise to power, his turn to the dark side, and ultimately his redemption. With his death he fulfilled his destiny as the Chosen One and destroyed the Sith once and for all. But with these new films, I guess none of that mattered. Anakin wasn't the Chosen One after all. It's stuff like this that makes we wish the Sequel Trilogy never happened.

  But at the end of the day, I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed. No, my childhood isn't ruined by these new films. My childhood is in the past, therefore nothing can ruin it. To me, Star Wars is a series that never needed more than six parts and that's how I'll choose to remember it: the series that concluded with an Ewok festival on Endor.

Video Game Retrospective -- GoldenEye: Rogue Agent (2004), Part 2

And now, the thrilling conclusion to my look back at the most frustrating 007 video game of them all, GoldenEye: Rogue Agent.

  Next up is not-SPECTRE headquarters in an underwater lair called the Octopus, which sort of reminds me of Stromberg's base from The Spy Who Loved Me. Other than that, there's not much to say. The Octopus is just more of the same bland tedium found in the rest of the game. By the next level, Goldfinger's found out that Dr. No's home base is in Crab Key and dispatches GoldenEye there to kill the doctor and target the island for an OMEN strike. This is the only level that seems to open up into wide open spaces as you brainlessly sludge your way through the docks, around the mine, and finally into the base itself. There's two tanks guarding the base's entry doors, but if you activate your invincibility and sprint around them you can safely shoot rockets at their backs since they can't turn around for some reason. The level ends with a pretty good boss fight against Dr. No. Once he is dead, Goldfinger, believing the rogue agent to be too powerful to control – and revealing that he has plans to overthrow not-Blofeld to take over not-SPECTRE – betrays GoldenEye and leaves him to die in the OMEN strike. However GoldenEye manages to escape before the island is destroyed.

  With Scaramanga and Pussy's help, he returns to the volcano lair (straight outta You Only Live Twice) to confront Goldfinger. This is the final and most difficult level of the game. Not only is it ungodly long, but it's also the only level featuring the OMEN rifle. This weapon uses OMEN technology to fire glowing blue thingees that kill in just one hit (or two if you've got your invincibility shield active). The blue thingees can be dodged, but it's very biased. OMEN wielding enemies fire their guns very rapidly and if the blue thingees come anywhere near you you're dead. However when you use the rifle (which can only fire 3 shots before needing to reload, by the way) you don't get to fire rapidly, reload times are slow, and the enemies always seem to dodge the projectiles at a distance of anything more than 15 meters or so. My tactics for this level avoided using the OMEN rifle and involved a lot of hiding behind cover, a lot of grenade spamming, and very brief and careful poking of my head out to shoot for brief seconds lest I get hit by a stray OMEN blue glowing thingee. You have NPC allies at certain points but they're useless; they die quickly and only serve to momentarily distract the enemies.

  So you forge ahead through so many freakin' rooms, many of which are repeated multiple times. I should also mention that while Rogue Agent does have a checkpoint-respawn system, not all checkpoints are save points. So if you try leaving the game in the middle of one of its ceaselessly long levels, you may lose a bunch of progress when you come back. Finding this out was not fun, believe me. Eventually you make it to this wide round room with loads of badguys (including some OMEN gunners) pouring out of multiple doors. Cover is sparse, ammo is out in the open, enemies are constantly running around all over the place, and you can't go back since the door behind you closes. Unless you stay in the doorway and pick off badguys from afar (even this doesn't accomplish much) there's nowhere to hide. Once you enter that room, you're committed. I was stuck on this one room for over an hour before I gave up, threw the game disc against the wall, and watched a longplay on YouTube to see what I missed. It turns out that there's only one hallway and one cutscene after this room. So yes, I didn't fully beat the game but I did complete 99.9% of it. That much effort is far more than this game deserved.

  So after the hell room and straightforward easy hallway following it, you reach some bulletproof glass behind which Goldfinger makes his grand villain speech with the OMEN by his side. Unbeknownst to him, GoldenEye (that is , the player) has been using this moment to hack the OMEN and activate it, killing the evil mastermind and his remaining henchman. Were you expecting a final boss fight or something? What are you, crazy? Pussy Galore picks up the agent in her helicopter and the two celebrate with a victory shag. Little do they know that the events of this whole game were part of not-Blofeld's plan and that he and Scaramanga (who was in on it) will be keeping an eye on the rogue agent.

  So that does it for the singleplayer campaign and to sum it all up it's one of the most dreary and joyless video games I ever forced myself to slog through (or at least 99.9% of the way through). The plot is uninteresting, the enemies suck, and the levels are obscenely long. What it needed – aside from the aforementioned level design and gameplay variety – was a main character who had a bit of personality. Never once throughout the entire game, including cutscenes, does GoldenEye speak or even show some character. He's an empty skull for the player to rent. GoldenEye: Rogue Agent would've also benefited from a level in which you could fight James Bond as a boss. How cool would that be?

  As for multiplayer, I can't really say all that much because I didn't play too much of it. There's two reasons why. The first is that there's no bots, which is a real letdown because multiplayer shooters are generally funner with more opponents (plus previous 007 games did have bots). The second is that the GoldenEye abilities, which are available in MP, take some explaining/getting used to for players who haven't played the singleplayer campaign – and let me tell you, I've never met anyone else who played Rogue Agent's SP. Other than that, the multiplayer is pretty average. There's few match types, the character skins are dull, and the weapons are all the same as in SP. The most noteworthy thing about this game mode is the maps which most 007 fans may find rather interesting. There's maps based on Tomorrow Never Dies, A View to a Kill, The Man With the Golden Gun, and Moonraker, and a lot of them have traps that can be activated on one's opponents.

  And that's all there is to say about GoldenEye: Rogue Agent; it's a very dull, very bland, very colourless FPS that barely feels like it has anything to do with the 007 franchise. It's no wonder the game's box comes with a flashy “007 Presents:” sticker on it, just to remind you what it is. They even took the name of the most popular 007 game ever – GoldenEye 64 – and slapped it on this one in a blatant cash-in attempt. It doesn't work because this doesn't feel like a Bond game, nor does it feel like a Bond villain game. It's a no name henchman simulator, a wasted opportunity destined to be forgotten by all but the most hardcore of Bond fan completionists. For everyone else, don't bother with Rogue Agent.

Video Game Retrospective -- GoldenEye: Rogue Agent (2004), Part 1

  There are a ton of James Bond video games out there. There's 007 games for just about every console from the ZX Spectrum to the Wii U and I'm sure most fans of the Bond movies have tried at least one of the franchise's many interactive experiences. I've only played a handful – Agent Under Fire (2001), Everything or Nothing (2003), GoldenEye 007 (1997) – and to be honest I suck at most of them (the only one I've ever completed is AUF). But earlier this year I put myself through one 007 game that I just had to write about, 2004's GoldenEye: Rogue Agent.

  Although its title implies the game's based on the 1995 film GoldenEye, Rogue Agent is an entirely original creation. Taking place in an alternate universe, the plot follows a former MI6 agent who's turned evil and gotten a job with Auric Goldfinger of not-SPECTRE (remember, this was when the legal rights to the name SPECTRE were in dispute). Playing a Bond-style adventure as a villain instead of the familiar hero had a lot of potential. Just think of all the stuff an evil version of James Bond could get up to! This is going to be amazing, right?

  Let's go through the single player campaign together, shall we? The game begins with an introductory level at Fort Knox just like in Goldfinger, except you take on the roll of some agent dude partnered with Bond. You spend a minute getting acquainted with the controls, which this game maps out serviceably. Within moments your helicopter crashes and falls through a roof, crushing agent 007. Oops.

  It's in this beginning level you're introduced to the gunplay, so let's go over that for a moment. Unlike most 007 games of the era, Rogue Agent only allows you to carry two weapons instead of a full arsenal. Lame! There's a basic pistol you always have in reserve, but it thankfully disappears if you choose to dual wield two other weapons. That's right, you can dual wield in this game. This only goes for some weapons though; larger weapons like rocket launchers and assault rifles need both hands to operate them. Also, most of the guns don't allow you to zoom in. Ranged weapons are limited. You've got a limited assortment of weapons: 2 pistols, an assault rifle, an SMG, a grenade launcher/detonator, a rocket launcher, a lever-action shotgun, a slow-firing rail gun, and a poison/stun gun that slows people down. That's pretty much it. The only real escalation in firepower comes in the form of a minigun (in the 4^th or 5^th level) and the final level's OMEN rifle. More on that one later...

  As far as abilities go, you can't jump, but you can melee and you can also take enemies as human shields which is always good for a laugh. However, the dumb badguys can often be seen doing the same... to eachother.

  Anyways, you fight through Fort Knox to prevent a nuclear bomb from detonating and as soon as it looks like you're going to fight Oddjob, the bomb detonates and the level ends. But it's OK because it was just a simulation. M (voiced by Judi Dench herself) scolds the unnamed agent and dismisses him. The player is then treated to a rather cool opening “credits” scene setting up the plot. The agent gets a job with Goldfinger, Dr. No breaks away from not-SPECTRE and tries to take over the world on his own, a rivalry develops between Goldfinger and Dr. No, the doctor shoots the agent in the eye, and Francisco Scaramanga, not-SPECTRE's tech specialist (voiced by Christopher Lee himself), implants a cybernetic eye of gold in the vengeful agent's head thus giving him the moniker “GoldenEye”. Uh hum. This eye gives the player special abilities that are gained as the campaign progresses. These include MRI vision, hacking, brief invincibility, and later telekinesis. Weird.

  The next cutscene shows off Goldfinger's new weapon, the OMEN, which destroys organic matter and disintegrates dudes. Dr. No and his forces discover it's being held at Goldfinger's secret arctic hideout and attack it. And so the second level tasks you with defending the arctic base, and it's not all that great a level. It's a boring arrangement of dull rooms and hallways. The only real highlights are (1) the level's traps that you can activate and (2) the appearance of the laser from the movie Goldfinger (too bad you can't use that as a trap!). Anyways, the base is wrecked but the OMEN is shepherded away. GoldenEye is picked up by Pussy Galore who, by the way, looks and sounds almost nothing like she did in the film. Here she's basically your chauffeur... in a pink helicopter. Remember that from Goldfinger? I don't.

  The next mission takes place in Hong Kong where GoldenEye is tasked with assassinating Dr. No. Spoiler alert: it doesn't work. With an objective like this they could've mixed things up a bit with a sniping mission or stealth gameplay. But no, the majority of this level is shooty-shooty bang-bang inside and above dozens of high rise buildings. Hong Kong may be a bit more colourful than the previous level, bit it's just as mind-numbingly boring. Not only is this the most tedious level yet, but it's also far longer than it has any right to be! It just goes on and on and on and on. The idea is that you've got to go to a specific rooftop for Pussy to pick you up from, but why does the building she picked have to be on the other side of town? Any old freakin' rooftop will do!

  Once that nightmare is over, you head over to Las Vegas where you've got to defend the OMEN in its casino hideout from Xenia Onatopp who is rumoured to be working for Dr. No. This level is only slightly less dull than the previous ones. The gameplay is unchanged but I'll give it credit for being the most visually interesting level in Rogue Agent. The places here look vibrant and alive. If only the other elements of the game were like that!

  It's not until the following level where we actually get to go toe-to-toe (or is that thigh-to-thigh?) against Xenia Onatopp in a boss fight atop Hoover Dam. The only problem is that it comes after about an hour of the worst level in the game: an unending series of similar, lifeless, grey, concrete rooms with generic enemies. (By the way, all the bad guys bleed bright blue blood. I guess it was to avoid an M rating?) You start the level at the bottom of one side of the dam, you go inside, fight your way to the top, cross it halfway whilst taking on dozens of tanks and helicopters, go back down to the bottom of the dam, retrieve the seismic bomb (your mission objective), climb back to the top again, and cross the other half. It is a brainless chore. This game is in serious need of some variety. Other Bond games had vehicle sections, turret sections, stealth sections, even on-rails sections. But in this level I was so fed up I found myself simply running past enemies in order to get to the end quicker.

  There's also a cutscene in which Oddjob betrays GoldenEye, but the rogue agent throws the henchman down a bottomless shaft. And that's the last we see of Oddjob. Why did he betray GoldenEye? Was he really working for Dr. No? Did Goldfinger order him to do it? Seriously, the game never explains it and it's never mentioned again. What a waste of a cool character! By this point I had stopped caring. The only thing motivating me to continue was to see what would happen to the characters and what movie references would be made next. If I weren't a 007 fan this game would've been in the garbage by now.

That's all I can take for now. Check in next week for part 2!

The Real Deal -- Star Wars Ep. II: Attack of the Clones (2002)

  Welcome to another new segment I'm debuting today called “The Real Deal”, a series in which I look at movies that are even worse than people say. So to contrast with last week's defence of Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, I'm going to spotlight the terribleness of its sequel, Attack of the Clones.

  Now just as I did with TPM, I'm going to preface this by listing all the things that I must concede about AOTC. For starters, there's less of Jar Jar Binks. That alone should earn a sigh of relief from Star Wars fans. Instead we're treated to Jango Fett, Boba Fett's slightly more competent father. Jango's pretty cool. He's got a cool character design, a couple cool action scenes, and he's got the cool voice of Temuera Morrison. And speaking of cool voices, this film has Christopher Lee as the mysterious Count Dooku. Too bad his character is underutilized. It's also a treat to see Ewan McGregor really getting into the role of Obi-Wan. Seeing the clone army being assembled for the first time is a sight to behold. Likewise, I think a small part of everyone's childhood dreams came true seeing dozens and dozens of Jedi knights in action all at once at the Geonosis arena scene. In short, there's enough here to keep Attack of the Clones from being the one of the worst movies ever.

  Nevertheless, it is easily the worst Star Wars film ever (if we're not counting the 1978 Holiday Special). I could talk about all the little things in Episode II that suck – the bumbling droid humour, Boba Fett being reduced to the status of clone, or the fact that Jango Fett really sucks when it comes to killing Padme – but no, we're going to talk about all the major problems behind this stinker.

  In stark contrast to TPM, AOTC throws practical effects completely out the window! Computer-generated effects are freakin' everywhere and as a result things look too plastic and weightless. And it looks terrible. The battle of Geonosis, the first time we see the clone army in action, is an eyesore. Saturday-morning-cartoonish looking CG clones and droids – seriously, they couldn't be bothered to make up just a handful of clone trooper outfits and put some actors in them? – clash in a nutmeg-sandstorm with bright blobs of energy bolts flashing all over the place. Even Yoda hasn't been spared this curse, having done away with the neat animatronics that brought him to life in TPM.

  One of the most noticeable problems of Attack of the Clones is that its main character, Anakin Skywalker... sucks. I tried thinking of one word that could sum up his faults, but so numerous were they that the word “sucks” was all I could think of. For starters, he is extremely whiny. He complains about stuff all the time: about why he's not a not a Jedi Knight yet, about how his master Obi-Wan is too harsh and is just holding him back, about how he needs to go to Tatooine and find his mommy, about how he wants the transport to land so he can pick up his love interest (instead of waiting just five minutes and possibly ending a war in the process), about how he wants to duel Count Dooku alone. Just shut up already! And all this is given the Hayden Christensen treatment with a high-pitched whine that also has a very wooden delivery to it. Though to be fair, he wasn't given much direction.

  Anakin's suckitude is really brought to bear in what is probably the worst romance I've ever seen in a movie. This romance between Anakin and Padme Amidala – the parents of Luke and Leia – has no chemistry whatsoever. Awkward, creepy Anakin comes off as some weirdo who's been spending the way too much time lusting over a pair of panties he stole from Padme a decade ago. Every rejection Padme initially makes towards his advances feels genuine. When she finally gives in and kisses him, it comes out of nowhere, as if she's kissing a dude who just ran over her dog with his car. It doesn't feel right, man! Actually, the truth is even worse. She still hooks up with the guy even after he admits to slaughtering a whole camp full of Tuskens, females, kids, and all. Padme sure knows how to pick 'em doesn't she?

  This horrible love affair is thanks in large part to the film's horrendous dialogue. Few lines in Attack of the Clones sound natural. For example, when Anakin confesses his aforementioned foray into mini genocide, Padme responds with, “to be angry is to be human.” Oh really!? He just slaughtered a whole village and her response is basically just, “Oh well. I don't blame you.” And let's not get started on Anakin's infamous sand diatribe. Most sentences sound very stiff. The language is strictly utilitarian, only serving to announce things that are happening.

  And that brings me to the biggest problem of them all: Attack of the Clones is extremely boring! There are twice as many long talking scenes as TPM, the plot is convoluted and dull, and the whole film is far longer than it has any right to be. Unlike TPM, AOTC has very few standout moments that are worth remembering. It all blends into a great big boring monstrosity.

  One time when I was about eleven years-old I was at a friend's house. This guy was a big Star Wars fan and he wanted me to watch his VHS copy of Episode II with him. Within the first half hour I was already on the other side of the room playing Hot Wheels. I think that says all you need to know about Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones. While it's not a horrendously bad movie, there are still much better things you could be doing with your time. Worst Star Wars ever.

In Defence of Star Wars Ep. I: The Phantom Menace (1999)

  Happy Saturday, folks. Today is the first of a new segment on Anachronarchy called In Defence of... This is a series of articles in which I come to the defence of movies that I think aren't quite as bad as everybody makes them out to be. For the series' inaugural airing we'll be looking at Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999).

  And before I start, let me make one thing clear: I don't think The Phantom Menace is a good movie. It has tons of things wrong with it and everybody's talked about it to death. Jar Jar is annoying and unfunny and only there to sell toys. Anakin is awkwardly written and just as awkwardly acted by Jake Lloyd. (This is the kid who grows up to become Darth Vader?) Anakin's connection to C-3PO is wholly pointless. There's too much exposition and long, boring scenes of talking. Which one of these people is supposed to be the main character? And what the hell is Samuel L. Jackson doing here?

These are all legitimate points, but in spite of them I still think Star Wars Episode I is an OK movie. While it may not be the best written or the best acted it is filled with a wonderful amount of imagination and is good for some mindless escapist entertainment.

  If nothing else, one has to acknowledge that this movie has some wonderful visual designs. The way the droid army looks and moves is impressive stuff. Whether it's the droidekas that fold up into balls to roll around or the vulture droid starfighters that can walk around on their wings, one can safely proclaim the idea of an army made up entirely of machines to be a good one. Likewise, the aliens of Star Wars look just as interesting and convincing as ever. This was when George Lucas still bothered with makeup and animatronics instead of just recklessly splurging CG effects all over the place as he did with Episodes II and III. The respectable amount of practical effects they stuck with on Episode I lends more believability to that movie's aliens and environments (that is until animatronic Yoda was replaced with crappy CG in TPM's rerelease).

  It's quite clear that The Phantom Menace was a sprawling production with tons of hard work put into it from the costumes and sets to the choreography and the excellent scoring by John Williams. By today's runaway blockbuster standards it's hard to believe that the film was made for only $115 million.

  While TPM doesn't have the best of plots, it certainly makes up for it in the action department. While not exactly having much to do with the plot directly, the pod race scene was a thrilling distraction. The final lightsaber duel with Darth Maul at the end is – in my opinion – the best in the whole series. That fight's combination of great speed, fine choreography, dramatic scoring, and ingenious pacing makes it real treat to watch over and over again. Even Jar Jar Binks, as obnoxious and despised as he is, was genuinely amusing during the battle scene in which he wreaks havok on the droids through his own sheer ineptitude.

  All these factors – combined with the compelling performances of Liam Neeson and Ewan McGregor – make The Phantom Menace far from the unwatchable piece of garbage many people today proclaim it to be. As mentioned above, it has its problems but it is still a somewhat competently made film capable of entertaining.

  So why, then, do people call it trash? Could it be that since it was merely an OK movie and not a great movie that it was the victim of impossibly high expectations? Or is it that, since TPM was still two films removed from the original trilogy and by the end it didn't connect much to them, that the film just felt unnecessary once the end credits started rolling? Personally, I think the reason the Star Wars prequel trilogy is hated so much is because it focuses too much on setting up the original trilogy and not enough on telling compelling stories of its own.

  Speaking of which... tune in next week. You'll see.

Retrospective Movie Review -- O.K. Connery (1967)

Normally I don't include posters for Retrospective Reviews, but how can one not appreciate the ridiculous amount of stuff they try jamming into this one. Half of the stuff on this poster doesn't even appear in the movie!

   James Bond returns to Anachronarchy... sort of. This week we're not really looking at a Bond film, but we kind of are. As promised, we're looking at 1967's O.K. Connery, also known as Operation Kid Brother and Operation Double 007. For those of you who don't know of this hidden “gem”, let me explain. It's an Italian spy action film starring Neil Connery (Sean Connery's younger brother) and a bunch of other Bond film actors which tries emulating the cool, thrilling adventures of 1960's Bond movies. But thanks to the insane script, lousy acting, and strange dialogue it didn't quite match the success of the real McCoy. But is it still worth watching? Let's find out!

   The film starts off with the evil Mr. Thayer (played by Adolfo Celi, who was Largo in Thunderball) aboard his sailboat lair surrounded by his crew of mostly hot chicks in midriff-baring sailor uniforms. He uses his remote controlled-car to blow up not-James Bond's plane as it lands while Agent Maxwell (Lois Maxwell of Ms. Moneypenny fame) watches helplessly. A badguy henchman disguised as a firefighter steals the dead agent's McGuffin. Thayer celebrates with a victory screw of one of his deck hands. Also, the disguised henchman (named Maya Rafis) is played Daniela Bianchi who played Tatiana Romanova in From Russia with Love. Say what you will about O.K. Connery, but you've got to admit, like any 007 film worth its vodka martini, it certainly has a lot going for it in the beautiful women department.

   I think it's also worth pointing out that this movie really overdoes it with the music. No matter how mundane the scene is – whether it's characters sitting and talking or a character walking from point A to point B – the music really turns up the bombast, trying to keep you on the edge of your seat at all times. It reminds me a lot of the 1960's Spider-Man cartoon, but turned up to 11 and with no breaks. Sometimes the songs played are just straight lifted from the actual Bond films. And sometimes the scoring even has two songs playing at once! Damn, talk about sensory overload.

   Anyways, next scene we get to see Neil Connery playing Dr. Neil Connery, brother of the now-dead agent from before, who's a famous plastic surgeon who can also hypnotize people and read lips (as explained in a couple awkward few lines that go on unnecessary tangents). He's showing off one of his recent patients, Yashuko (who just happens to be his late brother's girlfriend), to a bunch of doctors and reporters, but then somebody tries kidnapping her in plain view of the whole room (by walking up to her and picking her up). All of a sudden a brawl involving everyone in the room breaks out for some reason. Yeah, that's another thing about this film; crap goes down at the drop of a hat, so don't blink! Also, the fight choreography leaves much to be desired. The blows don't come anywhere close to connecting and there's even a few instances of footage being reused. So Dr. Connery uses his martial arts skills to break some faces (killing a dude in the process), but during the chaos Yashuko is kidnapped. Connery meets with Maxwell and her secret service boss Commander Cunningham, played by Bernard Lee, the guy who played M. Cunningham convinces Connery to do some spy work; Yashuko knew some important stuff and so she must be found and interrogated.

   It's then revealed that Thayer is the betamale at the evil secret organization THANATOS whose plan is to steal the world's gold reserves. The alphamale, played by Anthony Dawson (Dr. No, FrwL, Thunderball), engages in typical Blofeld-ish stuff like killing his underlings, albeit in an even more nonchalant manner while trying desperately to keep a straight face.

   Next up is a long scene where we learn that Connery is also a gifted archer as he takes part in an archery tournament. Ok... Nothing happens, everyone talks to eachother one after the other, Connery tries and fails to land some dates, and Cunningham again pressures him into doing more espionage/investigations, this time in Spain. Once there, Connery hypnotizes (and then tries hitting on) a bad guy hot chick named Mildred who's been following him around and she reveals that Yashuko is being held captive – and being tortured by colourful flashing lights – in a castle. Connery, Maxwell, and some agents storm the castle and rescue Yashuko. While under Connery's hypnosis, she partially reveals THANATOS's plan. Before she can get out all the info, Mildred shoots her dead much to the mild annoyance of Connery. Mildred is shot seconds later.

   The next scene is one of the most bizarre things I've ever seen in a movie. Maya Rafis and a busload of female assassins dressed as can-can dancers/leopards intercept and hijack an army truck containing an atomic nucleus, disguising the truck as a casino-themed parade float. At least that's best I can describe it. If Diamonds Are Forever were directed by a Turkish dude in the 80's it would only be half as strange as this. Right after that goofy craziness the movie abruptly changes to a more serious down-to-earth tone as THANATOS discusses its plan: to create a powerful magnetic weapon capable of neutralizing all electronics and machines throughout a whole continent. So it's kind of like Goldeneye, but without satellites. The secret service knows that Maya Rafis is in Tetuan, Morocco, and that there's some sort of factory staffed entirely by blind people (not suspicious at all). Connery reluctantly goes there to investigate.

   It's at this point that I gotta say, Connery – both the character and the actor – kind of gets the shaft in this film. The character really doesn't want to be a spy and is often coerced into doing it to avoid jail time. Cunningham's a jerk. The doctor just wants to go back to doing doctor stuff and scoring with the ladies. He tries many times to get with the girls but doesn't succeed until the film's end. As for Neil Connery himself, he gets dubbed over by a voice actor (who's pretty monotone thoughout) speaking with an American accent. During filming, Neil was recovering from throat surgery and apparently the production crew couldn't be bothered to either wait for their lead actor to be ready for filming nor find a voice actor with a Scottish accent. I guess all the preposterous skills – archery, lip-reading, hypnosis, martial arts, plastic surgery – were added to compensate?

   Once in Tetuan, Connery meets Maya who invites him to some sort of party at Thayer's palace. Here, Connery overhears (or rather over-lip reads) Thayer's plans on assassinating Alpha to become the new head of THANATOS and also to blow up his yacht with all of his female crew members on board, for some reason. He tells all this to Maya in an attempt to make her switch sides, but it doesn't work. The next day Connery disguises himself as a blind man to gain entrance to the factory only to discover that its employees are working unprotected with dangerous radioactive material. He quite easily convinces the staff to panic and run away – like I said, drop of a hat – but is discovered and captured before he can escape. Connery is taken to Thayer's yacht and forced to perform surgery on some guy. To make a long story short, it goes awry, chaos ensues, another silly brawl springs up, and Thayer escapes in his speedboat that comes out of a couch (as I'm sure most evil masterminds' boats do). Thayer makes it to THANATOS headquarters, kills off Alpha, and becomes the new leader.

   Connery and Maya – who is apparently now a good guy – track the uranium shipments to Switzerland. At the airport they meet up with his teammates on the Scottish national archery team, who are all ready to go with their uniforms on and their bows in hand straight off the plane... and they don't even know what they're doing there. I mean I've got some great friends whom I'm willing to lend a helping hand to, but if one of them asked me out of nowhere to travel halfway across the continent right away without telling me why I think I'd have my reservations. Also not one of these Scottish guys has a Scottish accent: a shameful display.

   At their castle hideout, THANATOS is putting the finishing touches on its magnet weapon while wearing silly red versions of the HYDRA uniforms from Captain America: First Avenger. The weapon is activated on the locals, rendering the good guys' cars and guns inoperable. Connery infiltrates the castle and is captured again, but uses hypnosis to trick a couple guards into fighting eachother By the way, Connery can now hypnotize people simply by staring into their eyes. Should we add mind control to his growing list of skills? Maya leads the archers on horseback to the castle to raise hell. A battle ensues between the US/Highlands Boy Scouts hunting club and the adult Flash Gordon fanboys. I'm not sure if those archers still have any idea as to what's going on, but apparently they're just OK with killing these random guys they don't know. Connery and Thayer partake in what's actually a not half-bad fight scene culminating in a decent Mexican standoff with bows. Connery kills Thayer with an arrow through the heart. The good guys make it out before the castle explodes (I don't remember why), destroying the magnet machine. I wonder, are the effects of an EMP reversible? Oh well, who cares? The day is saved!

   In the final scene we see that apparently Connery now gets to keep Thayer's yacht. Our movie ends with Connery hypnotizing Cunningham to get him to piss off while the good doctor goes on a pleasure cruise with Maya and his crew full of hot chicks. The end!

   As insane as this all sounds, believe me there's a bunch of other nutty things that I didn't even mention. There's a crazed screaming man who jumps through glass, ceiling-mounted machine guns (because you'll never know when you might need one of those), a dumb innkeeper who doesn't know how telephones work, a guy watching TV shows projected onto a naked chick's back, and an explosion which seems to go on forever.

   While O.K. Connery can boast of a respectable budget – the sets and costumes are alright, they got their money's worth – its editing and camerawork leaves much to be desired. There's plenty of shots in which one or more of the subjects is out of frame and there's even a few shots where the camera appears to wobble and shudder. (Though to be fair I did just watch this movie on YouTube, so maybe it was just that particular version.) You'll also see a few cheesy, overly dramatic zoom-ins à la Austin Powers. And just like the 1960's Bond films, O.K. Connery has lots of dubbing. But whereas the Bond flicks' dubbing was sparing and good, here it is everywhere and it is awful, making the whole lip-reading ability seem even sillier in retrospect. There's even one instance where I guess the sound editor forgot to dub one of Adolfo Celi's lines, so for about four seconds or so Thayer is Italian all of a sudden.

   And that's O.K. Connery, a hastily pasted together, sloppily written, mess of a movie that looks like it was written by Ian Fleming's bizarre, but well-meaning Italian half-brother who spent significant stretches of his life locked up in Dracula's attic. It's pretty weird and funny, in the way that only a foreigner who doesn't fully understand Western cinema could achieve. It's not quite The Room (2003) levels of hilarity, but it's still rather humourous. And luckily the film's two biggest shortcomings – its wooden lead actor and its absolutely ludicrous script – actually make this film even more watchable by adding to the whole camp factor. On the whole, O.K. Connery certainly isn't a good film but it does manage to entertain, mostly by accident. If you're like me and you enjoy weird crap that pokes lighthearted fun at stuff you like then you'll find O.K. Connery to be a fun waste of time.

Grade: one out of five

Retrospective Movie Review -- Room (2015)

   It's been a while since I've done a retrospective movie review, but after seeing 2015's Room I just had to. You guys remember this one right? That touching drama film about a boy and his mom who escape from their creepy captor and his single windowless room to discover the beauty of the outside world? It was nominated for tons of awards and received huge amounts of praise so I decided to check it out for myself.

   And I got to admit, I didn't really get it at first. I had to watch it three times in a row before I finally understood it, which is something I've never done before... the 3 times in a row part, I mean; I've understood movies before. Shut up! I'm a reviewer; what kind of fool do you take me for?! So let's get into it.

   After some opening credits showing the decrepit, uninviting city in which Room takes place, the film introduces us right off the bat to the dastardly captor paying a visit to his captive, the mother. Moments later the boy – who for some reason doesn't look that much younger than his mom – then enters the room. That really threw me for a loop the first time I saw this – I mean, it looks as if he's already escaped Room – but upon repeat viewings I've learned that the title is loosely applied to include the whole apartment building in which Room is located. We don't see the boy nor the mother leave the apartment building, so their “prison” is in fact a bit larger than the film's marketing led us to believe.

   Anyways, the mother at first appears to be happily in love with her captor but as soon as he's out of the picture she expresses her disdain with being forced to live with him and make love to him against her will. We learn that the only reason she pretends to love him is to avoid provoking his violent side, which most other people don't seem to believe exists. She tries, to little avail, to confide in the mishmash of similarly screwed up miscreants who occupy the same wretched apartment complex where strangers freely barge into any room they please and drug dealers run amok. This includes a crazy, middle-aged bag lady who likes to have the exact same 1-minute conversations over and over again. This woman loves to pretend she's our heroine's mother (although she shows nothing but antipathy for the boy) and to tell insane stories that she made up in her head such as the time her brother stole her inherited house or the time she found out that she definitely has breast cancer (which I highly doubt since she never brings it up again). Ultimately, bag lady is unsympathetic to the mother's pleas for help because from her warped point of view the standard of living afforded by the mother's captivity is good enough.

   Similarly, the mother reaches out to Mark, another neighbour, the captor's sleazy, back-stabbing best friend. She starts up an affair with him in an attempt to win him over to her side and set her and her son free. Although they bump uglies multiple times, Mark is reluctant to help her because he too fears how violently angry the captor might be.

   Yes, this captor may seem like an easygoing (albeit strange) man, but upon closer inspection he's really a psychotic ex-convict. He lives in a world of hallucinatory fantasies in which everybody likes him. For example, he's convinced himself that the woman he's kidnapped is his fiance and that the boy is his close friend/adopted son, I think (who freakin' knows?). The captor is a very controlling person. He confronts the mother when he hears her telling others about his physical abuse and tells her to either deny their occurrences or just to forget about them. He also has a tape recorder rigged up and ready to go so that he can record phone calls when he's feeling suspicious of the people around him.

   As one might expect, being born and growing up in such an inhospitable place has not done wonders for the boy's mental development. Just like his biological father, the boy has his own personal fantasies. In his case he believes that he is headed for university and at some point he stopped believing that his mother is indeed his mother and he develops romantic feelings for her. Eww. Even the captor is disturbed by this development, and in a brief moment of relatable decency he has a heartfelt talk with the boy and puts a stop to potential incest. It seems that even the scumbag captor is not without morals. That's what we in the bizz call a complex, three-dimensional character.

   It seems the only ray of hope comes in the form of Peter, the captor's friend and former psychiatrist from prison. Peter tries helping the captor with his problems but unfortunately he believes that the mother is just another figment of the captor's imagination. Peter later suggests that Mark also lives in a deluded fantasy world involving the mother fantasy, prompting a violent outburst. This scares Peter away permanently before he's able to discover that the captor's whole mother fantasy is actually real.

   Much of the film is focused on the whole “love” triangle between the captor, the mother, and Mark, with Mark having trouble deciding whether to free the mother and son or remain loyal to his weirdo best friend. This comes to a head during a failed-intervention-turned-surprise-birthday-party (the mother mistakenly planned it on the captor's birthday, so all the sleazebag neighbours she invited just assumed it was a b-day party). Here the mother flaunts her affair with Mark right in front of the captor. This makes the captor very angry and a savage fistfight with Mark ensues, effectively destroying their fragile friendship (but more importantly, ruining the party). Once everyone has left, the captor confronts the mother about her “infidelity”. Finally dropping the act she's kept up for so many years, the mother harshly tells him off and storms away. After seeing his last fantasy shattered before his eyes and unable to accept the way life really is, the captor has lost his reason to live. This makes him rampage through his apartment, destroy all his things, and then shoot himself dead.

   You'd think that this would be a happy ending since he was the bad guy, right? But no, the movie treats this like it was a sad event! Mark, the mother, and the son all discover the captor's lifeless body (at the same time, conveniently) and mourn for him. And that right there is the great twist ending of Room: everybody really did love him all along because they were in an advanced state of Stockholm syndrome! I never saw it coming... mostly because it makes no sense whatsoever!

   What is with this film? Room was absolutely nothing like what I thought it was going to be. It wasn't tense or harrowing enough to do the whole captivity-survival thing justice. The ending wasn't nearly as uplifting as it was supposed to be. Hell, the mom and son never even end up escaping! Apart from that, the film's production quality is so half-baked you'd think it was filmed in Turkey in the 1980's. The sets look cheap, the dialogue is very awkward, the acting is amateurish, and the frequent dubbing couldn't have been more obvious. And yet the film got nominated for 4 Academy Awards including best picture and director, with a win for best lead actress. What in the name of tarnation happened?! I'll tell you: Hollywood got drunk. The critics are all wrong about this one. 2015's Room is one of the most dishonest and dumbest movies I've ever seen.

Grade: ZERO STARS!!!

P.S. -- Who is Tommy Wiseau?

Retrospective Movie Review - Fort Apache, The Bronx (1981)

   I know what you're all thinking: “Tony, what the hell is this?” First off, watch your language, young man/lady/automated internet scammer programmed to search for keywords. Second, Fort Apache, The Bronx is a 1981 crime drama film starring Paul Newman. Today, it's little more than an answer to a Trivial Pursuit question. It's not exactly an epic masterpiece of cinema, but it at least tried to be more than it truly was. It's very entertaining, and I've rewatched multiple times in the past couple years. I'd even go so far as to say that it's an underrated classic of cop-drama cinema. It's a movie that I can't help but feel the need to introduce people to, so let me tell you about it. Spoilers ahead.

   It is the early 1980's. New York City is a crime/drug-infested open sewer and the South Bronx in particular was a smouldering jungle. Police officers face problems ranging from prostitution, to mentally disturbed people, muggers and thieves, teenage pregnancies, drug dealers who work out of hospitals, and police brutality and corruption. The film opens with a junkie prostitute named Charlotte murdering two rookie cops for no apparent reason. This gets the attention of the NYPD's 41^st Precinct, which includes Murphy (Newman), a middle-aged, veteran police officer who is pretty much coasting towards his eventual retirement. Instead of making a difference in the community, he's more concerned with simply keeping the peace. This doesn't suit the plans of the station's new Captain Connolly (Ed Asner) a gung-ho, by-the-book officer who's determined to get his district cleaned up, starting with the capture of the cop killer. Connolly orders his officers to stop turning a blind eye to petty crimes and issue mass arrests in the hopes of getting leads and sending a message that criminal behaviour won't be tolerated. Murphy and his partner Corelli (Ken Wahl) – a young, careerist, yet optimistic rookie cop – reluctantly comply.

   The public rebels against the overbearing police activity, culminating in at least two riots. During one of these riots, Murphy and Corelli witness a fellow officer – Morgan, played by Danny Aiello – throw an innocent young man off a roof, killing him. Murphy is torn on whether he should reveal the officer's identity to Captain Connolly, while Corelli advises him to keep quiet.

   Meanwhile, Murphy takes an interest in a nurse named Isabella (Rachel Ticotin). Over the course of the film they begin dating. A relationship develops. After a while, Murphy is disappointed to learn that Isabella is a casual drug user. He confronts her about it which, in combination with him expressing his indecision on whether to rat out Morgan, causes tension between the two.

   It is true that Fort Apache, The Bronx has a lot of subplots, but they all are tied together quite nicely. That's what I think sets this film apart from other cops-and-robbers movies. While FAtB does have cop movie cliches, its overall focus is mainly on how urban decay affects people and the choices they make in dealing with it. A lot of the characters are forced into compromising their own moral beliefs as they struggle with their consciences. And they're not always black-and-white issues either. Both sides often have legitimate viewpoints. That's what makes Fort Apache, The Bronx so moving and realistic.

   But it's not always depressing and serious; there are brief moments of decent comedy as well. This mostly happens during scenes in the police station and especially when we follow Murphy and Corelli around town as they work on assignments together. This wouldn't have been as enjoyable without the presence of Wahl and Newman, who display outstanding chemistry despite their dissimilarities.

   Anyways, back to the plot. After seeing Murphy drop her off, Isabella's drug dealers assume that she's doing undercover police work. So to get rid of her they set her up with a poisoned batch of heroin. The next day, a hostage situation breaks out in the hospital over a drug deal/sting operation gone wrong just as Isabella overdoses. Murphy and co. come to the rescue but it's too late for Isabella, who died while the shootout was occuring. Heartbroken, Murphy goes for a long walk alone around the filthy neighbourhood in what's easily the most powerful scene in the film. There's no dialogue or music; it's just a few long shots of Murphy walking with his hands in his pockets and all you can hear are the sounds of life going on for the indifferent city. Returning to the station, Murphy goes to Connolly's office, confesses his knowledge of Morgan killing the kid, and resigns, believing himself to be fully burnt out. In spite of their differences, Connolly tells Murphy that he was a good cop, and he tries talking him out of quitting, but without success. Moments later, Corelli does the same with similar results.

   However, when presented with an opportunity to catch a burglar who had earlier eluded him, Murphy springs into action. The movie ends on an ambiguous freezeframe – which is kind of cheesy, but charmingly so – leaving it open to interpretation whether or not Murphy's policing days are behind him just yet. I like this ending. It gives the film a sign of hope in spite of the gritty stuff we had just seen. Moments earlier we saw Charlotte's corpse hidden in a pile of rubble/garbage, wrapped up in a carpet as just another anonymous body. You know the police will never find out who killed those two rookie officers at the beginning.

   Regrettably, I must mention that there are a bunch of scenes that kind of go nowhere. For instance, the drug dealer plot could have been resolved better than with a shootout scene. Charlotte's story could have been much more condensed (take out the middle and just have her murdering cops and then later show her dead body; that's really all the movie needed). Another scene has Murphy and Corelli trying to rescue a guy from jumping off a building. It's as if these scenes were shoved in to give the movie more action/violence when it really didn't need that much of it. There's also a rather pointless scene in which Corelli spends a night at his fiancee's apartment.

   One thing that really drew me in was the film's setting. If you've ever wanted to be transported back in time to NYC's darkest period, then this is as close as you're going to get. Fort Apache, The Bronx is shot on location in the South Bronx, smack dab in the middle of a city that was at once among both the world's richest and poorest. The rubble lots, the burnt-out buildings, and the graffiti are all authentic, giving the movie a very gritty, worldly feel.

   One last thing to comment on is the production value. It isn't terrible (in fact, most of the shots look great), but it does come across as cheap at times. For example, some of the special effects aren't very convincing. The extras aren't all that great at acting (even by extra standards), and we even see the same ones recycled a few times.

   Nevertheless, I think Fort Apache, The Bronx is an underappreciated drama offering a powerful and (mostly) realistic view of peoples' lives in the midst of severe urban blight. It has relatable characters, good performances, an engaging story, and an engrossing setting. It's also a cool time capsule of sorts that's still relevant today; the date and city may have changed, but the setting and issues are the same. It's a human story, and a very enjoyable one at that.

   Grade: three and a half out of five.

Retrospective Movie Review – Meet the Fockers (2004)

   The poster featuring Ben Stiller holding his face in anguish sums up, better than words, my feelings on this film. (Just for the record, I did see Meet the Parents and it was very average.)

   So the plot of this movie involves the engaged Greg and Pam taking Jack and Dina (Pam's parents) to Florida to meet Bernie and Roz (Greg's parents). Oh yeah, they're also taking their baby nephew for some reason (so we can have dumb baby jokes); it's only explained with, like, one throw-away line that I can't remember. So the parents – in particular the Jack and Bernie – don't get along too well mostly because the Byrnes's are patriotic conservatives and the Fockers are careless sex-crazed hippies. It turns out that Pam is pregnant, but everyone tries keeping it a secret from Jack who made Greg promise not to have sex with her until after the wedding (which directly contradicts a conversation Greg and Jack had in the first movie!). Jack suspects that Greg may have had an affair at the age of 15 with his parents' housekeeper, especially since the housekeeper's 15 year-old son, Jorge, bears an uncanny resemblance to him. Ew. At one point Greg is left to babysit his nephew and low-brow humour ensues: the baby watches Scarface, plays around with rum, and learns how to say the word “asshole”. I don't know if it was just special effects or they really got a baby to say that word, but either way it just wasn't worth it.

   In fact that's one of the main problems with this film; the jokes are often immature and sophomoric. Here's some examples. Two men using the same bathroom at once. Roz teaching sex therapy to old people. Trying to hide statues of naked people from Jack. Dogs getting flushed down a toilet. Greg's 30 year-old foreskin being saved in a baby scrapbook. You see what I'm getting at here? Also, it's never a good sign when movie characters are having an overly drawn-out, supposedly “hilarious” conversation and one of the characters (usually embarrassed) suggests hurrying it up and I find myself agreeing, “Yes! Just get to the point! This isn't funny at all!”

   Even the characters are boring. Simply put, every character in this movie is either an idiot or just an incompetent jerk. Bernie is the former (he ignores/forgets his son's requests to not disturb the Byrnes's with his overly-loud sex upstairs), Jack is the latter (he's made a hobby out of trying to break up his daughter's engagement as well as being a terrible grandparent), and Greg is a bit of both.    Before seeing this movie I always thought Meet the Fockers was a chick flick, but as it turns out it isn't. All of the female characters in this movie are one-dimensional and have been reduced to secondary character status, which is kinda dumb; I mean Pam is basically in the same boat as Greg here! As for the acting, this movie sure does have some big name stars but their talent is mostly wasted. As I said before, the female characters blend into the background. Ben Stiller's performance is pretty standard. Nevertheless, the best performances are easily Robert DeNiro (Jack) and Dustin Hoffman (Bernie). There's noticeable chemistry going on between these two. Hoffman looks like he's having a lot of fun with his role. DeNiro isn't as good, but you can tell he's trying.

   Anyways, back to the plot. After the disastrous babysitting scene, Jack loses all trust in Greg and resumes spying on him just like in the last movie. So much for character development. He sets up cameras around the house and steals samples of both Greg's and Jorge's DNA for parentage testing. (Is it worth questioning why the CIA keeps sending Jack high-tech spy gadgets even though he's retired? Tax dollars at work...) Jack then forcibly injects Greg with truth serum which causes him to run his mouth in front of everyone at his engagement party, embarrass his family, and ruin the whole party much to Jack's amusement (told you he's a jerk). When everyone finds out what Jack did, Dina admits that everyone deliberately kept Pam's pregnancy a secret from him. (This guy is supposedly an expert in telling when people are lying to him, yet he couldn't even figure that out? Worst CIAgent ever!) Betrayed, Jack takes the baby and starts driving home to go mope by himself like a baby. Long story short, Bernie and Greg catch up with him and they all make amends since it turns out that Greg isn't really Jorge's father. And so our movie ends with Pam and Greg being married by Owen Wilson, Pam's ex-fiancee. Oh yeah, and the Byrnes's learn a few moves from Roz. Thank you for that.

  So, was there anything that this film did right? Well, the part towards the end with the high-strung highway patrolman who tasers everybody was kind of funny. Also the part where it shows Roz's and Bernie's display of Greg's unimpressive childhood awards was a curious idea; it's both funny and touching at the same time. And again Hoffman and DeNiro do a decent job at their roles. On the whole, this movie takes way more risks than its prequel; it's definitely not as forgettable as the first,

but it is way more low-brow and a little too outrageous. There are scenes that go on for way too long in the hopes of getting out a cheap laugh and it's otherwise impressive cast is wasted portraying thoroughly unlikeable characters. In short: it's focking lame.

Final rating: one star out of five.