Welcome to another new segment I'm
debuting today called “The Real Deal”, a series in which I look
at movies that are even worse than people say. So to contrast with
last week's defence of Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace,
I'm going to spotlight the terribleness of its sequel, Attack of
the Clones.
Now just as I did with TPM, I'm going
to preface this by listing all the things that I must concede about
AOTC. For starters, there's less of Jar Jar Binks. That alone should
earn a sigh of relief from Star Wars fans. Instead we're
treated to Jango Fett, Boba Fett's slightly more competent father.
Jango's pretty cool. He's got a cool character design, a couple cool
action scenes, and he's got the cool voice of Temuera Morrison. And
speaking of cool voices, this film has Christopher Lee as the
mysterious Count Dooku. Too bad his character is underutilized. It's
also a treat to see Ewan McGregor really getting into the role of
Obi-Wan. Seeing the clone army being assembled for the first
time is a sight to behold. Likewise, I think a small part of
everyone's childhood dreams came true seeing dozens and dozens of
Jedi knights in action all at once at the Geonosis arena scene. In
short, there's enough here to keep Attack of the Clones from
being the one of the worst movies ever.
Nevertheless, it is easily the
worst Star Wars film ever (if we're not counting the 1978
Holiday Special). I could talk about all the little things in Episode
II that suck – the bumbling droid humour, Boba Fett being reduced
to the status of clone, or the fact that Jango Fett really sucks when
it comes to killing Padme – but no, we're going to talk about all
the major problems behind this stinker.
In stark contrast to TPM, AOTC throws
practical effects completely out the window! Computer-generated
effects are freakin' everywhere and as a result things look too
plastic and weightless. And it looks terrible. The battle of
Geonosis, the first time we see the clone army in action, is an
eyesore. Saturday-morning-cartoonish looking CG clones and droids –
seriously, they couldn't be bothered to make up just a handful of
clone trooper outfits and put some actors in them? – clash in a
nutmeg-sandstorm with bright blobs of energy bolts flashing all over
the place. Even Yoda hasn't been spared this curse, having done away
with the neat animatronics that brought him to life in TPM.
One of the most noticeable problems of
Attack of the Clones is that its main character, Anakin
Skywalker... sucks. I tried thinking of one word that could sum up
his faults, but so numerous were they that the word “sucks” was
all I could think of. For starters, he is extremely whiny. He
complains about stuff all the time: about why he's not a not a Jedi
Knight yet, about how his master Obi-Wan is too harsh and is just
holding him back, about how he needs to go to Tatooine and find his
mommy, about how he wants the transport to land so he can pick up his
love interest (instead of waiting just five minutes and possibly
ending a war in the process), about how he wants to duel Count Dooku
alone. Just shut up already! And
all this is given the Hayden Christensen treatment with a
high-pitched whine that also has a very wooden delivery to it. Though
to be fair, he wasn't given much direction.
Anakin's suckitude
is really brought to bear in what is probably the worst romance I've
ever seen in a movie. This romance between Anakin and Padme Amidala –
the parents of Luke and Leia – has no chemistry whatsoever.
Awkward, creepy Anakin comes off as some weirdo who's been spending
the way too much time lusting over a pair of panties he stole from
Padme a decade ago. Every rejection Padme initially makes towards his
advances feels genuine. When she finally gives in and kisses him, it
comes out of nowhere, as if she's kissing a dude who just ran over
her dog with his car. It doesn't feel right, man! Actually, the truth
is even worse. She still hooks up with the guy even after he admits
to slaughtering a whole camp full of Tuskens, females, kids, and all.
Padme sure knows how to pick 'em doesn't she?
This horrible love
affair is thanks in large part to the film's horrendous dialogue. Few
lines in Attack of the Clones sound natural. For example, when
Anakin confesses his aforementioned foray into mini genocide, Padme
responds with, “to be angry is to be human.” Oh really!?
He just slaughtered a whole village and her response is basically
just, “Oh well. I don't blame you.” And let's not get started on
Anakin's infamous sand diatribe. Most sentences sound very stiff. The
language is strictly utilitarian, only serving to announce things
that are happening.
And that brings me
to the biggest problem of them all: Attack of the Clones is
extremely boring! There are twice as many long talking scenes
as TPM, the plot is convoluted and dull, and the whole film is far
longer than it has any right to be. Unlike TPM, AOTC has very few
standout moments that are worth remembering. It all blends into a
great big boring monstrosity.
One time when I was
about eleven years-old I was at a friend's house. This guy was a big
Star Wars fan and he wanted me to watch his VHS copy of
Episode II with him. Within the first half hour I was already
on the other side of the room playing Hot Wheels. I think that says
all you need to know about Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the
Clones. While it's not a horrendously bad movie, there are still
much better things you could be doing with your time. Worst Star
Wars ever.
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