Retrospective Movie Review -- O.K. Connery (1967)

Normally I don't include posters for Retrospective Reviews, but how can one not appreciate the ridiculous amount of stuff they try jamming into this one. Half of the stuff on this poster doesn't even appear in the movie!

   James Bond returns to Anachronarchy... sort of. This week we're not really looking at a Bond film, but we kind of are. As promised, we're looking at 1967's O.K. Connery, also known as Operation Kid Brother and Operation Double 007. For those of you who don't know of this hidden “gem”, let me explain. It's an Italian spy action film starring Neil Connery (Sean Connery's younger brother) and a bunch of other Bond film actors which tries emulating the cool, thrilling adventures of 1960's Bond movies. But thanks to the insane script, lousy acting, and strange dialogue it didn't quite match the success of the real McCoy. But is it still worth watching? Let's find out!

   The film starts off with the evil Mr. Thayer (played by Adolfo Celi, who was Largo in Thunderball) aboard his sailboat lair surrounded by his crew of mostly hot chicks in midriff-baring sailor uniforms. He uses his remote controlled-car to blow up not-James Bond's plane as it lands while Agent Maxwell (Lois Maxwell of Ms. Moneypenny fame) watches helplessly. A badguy henchman disguised as a firefighter steals the dead agent's McGuffin. Thayer celebrates with a victory screw of one of his deck hands. Also, the disguised henchman (named Maya Rafis) is played Daniela Bianchi who played Tatiana Romanova in From Russia with Love. Say what you will about O.K. Connery, but you've got to admit, like any 007 film worth its vodka martini, it certainly has a lot going for it in the beautiful women department.

   I think it's also worth pointing out that this movie really overdoes it with the music. No matter how mundane the scene is – whether it's characters sitting and talking or a character walking from point A to point B – the music really turns up the bombast, trying to keep you on the edge of your seat at all times. It reminds me a lot of the 1960's Spider-Man cartoon, but turned up to 11 and with no breaks. Sometimes the songs played are just straight lifted from the actual Bond films. And sometimes the scoring even has two songs playing at once! Damn, talk about sensory overload.

   Anyways, next scene we get to see Neil Connery playing Dr. Neil Connery, brother of the now-dead agent from before, who's a famous plastic surgeon who can also hypnotize people and read lips (as explained in a couple awkward few lines that go on unnecessary tangents). He's showing off one of his recent patients, Yashuko (who just happens to be his late brother's girlfriend), to a bunch of doctors and reporters, but then somebody tries kidnapping her in plain view of the whole room (by walking up to her and picking her up). All of a sudden a brawl involving everyone in the room breaks out for some reason. Yeah, that's another thing about this film; crap goes down at the drop of a hat, so don't blink! Also, the fight choreography leaves much to be desired. The blows don't come anywhere close to connecting and there's even a few instances of footage being reused. So Dr. Connery uses his martial arts skills to break some faces (killing a dude in the process), but during the chaos Yashuko is kidnapped. Connery meets with Maxwell and her secret service boss Commander Cunningham, played by Bernard Lee, the guy who played M. Cunningham convinces Connery to do some spy work; Yashuko knew some important stuff and so she must be found and interrogated.

   It's then revealed that Thayer is the betamale at the evil secret organization THANATOS whose plan is to steal the world's gold reserves. The alphamale, played by Anthony Dawson (Dr. No, FrwL, Thunderball), engages in typical Blofeld-ish stuff like killing his underlings, albeit in an even more nonchalant manner while trying desperately to keep a straight face.

   Next up is a long scene where we learn that Connery is also a gifted archer as he takes part in an archery tournament. Ok... Nothing happens, everyone talks to eachother one after the other, Connery tries and fails to land some dates, and Cunningham again pressures him into doing more espionage/investigations, this time in Spain. Once there, Connery hypnotizes (and then tries hitting on) a bad guy hot chick named Mildred who's been following him around and she reveals that Yashuko is being held captive – and being tortured by colourful flashing lights – in a castle. Connery, Maxwell, and some agents storm the castle and rescue Yashuko. While under Connery's hypnosis, she partially reveals THANATOS's plan. Before she can get out all the info, Mildred shoots her dead much to the mild annoyance of Connery. Mildred is shot seconds later.

   The next scene is one of the most bizarre things I've ever seen in a movie. Maya Rafis and a busload of female assassins dressed as can-can dancers/leopards intercept and hijack an army truck containing an atomic nucleus, disguising the truck as a casino-themed parade float. At least that's best I can describe it. If Diamonds Are Forever were directed by a Turkish dude in the 80's it would only be half as strange as this. Right after that goofy craziness the movie abruptly changes to a more serious down-to-earth tone as THANATOS discusses its plan: to create a powerful magnetic weapon capable of neutralizing all electronics and machines throughout a whole continent. So it's kind of like Goldeneye, but without satellites. The secret service knows that Maya Rafis is in Tetuan, Morocco, and that there's some sort of factory staffed entirely by blind people (not suspicious at all). Connery reluctantly goes there to investigate.

   It's at this point that I gotta say, Connery – both the character and the actor – kind of gets the shaft in this film. The character really doesn't want to be a spy and is often coerced into doing it to avoid jail time. Cunningham's a jerk. The doctor just wants to go back to doing doctor stuff and scoring with the ladies. He tries many times to get with the girls but doesn't succeed until the film's end. As for Neil Connery himself, he gets dubbed over by a voice actor (who's pretty monotone thoughout) speaking with an American accent. During filming, Neil was recovering from throat surgery and apparently the production crew couldn't be bothered to either wait for their lead actor to be ready for filming nor find a voice actor with a Scottish accent. I guess all the preposterous skills – archery, lip-reading, hypnosis, martial arts, plastic surgery – were added to compensate?

   Once in Tetuan, Connery meets Maya who invites him to some sort of party at Thayer's palace. Here, Connery overhears (or rather over-lip reads) Thayer's plans on assassinating Alpha to become the new head of THANATOS and also to blow up his yacht with all of his female crew members on board, for some reason. He tells all this to Maya in an attempt to make her switch sides, but it doesn't work. The next day Connery disguises himself as a blind man to gain entrance to the factory only to discover that its employees are working unprotected with dangerous radioactive material. He quite easily convinces the staff to panic and run away – like I said, drop of a hat – but is discovered and captured before he can escape. Connery is taken to Thayer's yacht and forced to perform surgery on some guy. To make a long story short, it goes awry, chaos ensues, another silly brawl springs up, and Thayer escapes in his speedboat that comes out of a couch (as I'm sure most evil masterminds' boats do). Thayer makes it to THANATOS headquarters, kills off Alpha, and becomes the new leader.

   Connery and Maya – who is apparently now a good guy – track the uranium shipments to Switzerland. At the airport they meet up with his teammates on the Scottish national archery team, who are all ready to go with their uniforms on and their bows in hand straight off the plane... and they don't even know what they're doing there. I mean I've got some great friends whom I'm willing to lend a helping hand to, but if one of them asked me out of nowhere to travel halfway across the continent right away without telling me why I think I'd have my reservations. Also not one of these Scottish guys has a Scottish accent: a shameful display.

   At their castle hideout, THANATOS is putting the finishing touches on its magnet weapon while wearing silly red versions of the HYDRA uniforms from Captain America: First Avenger. The weapon is activated on the locals, rendering the good guys' cars and guns inoperable. Connery infiltrates the castle and is captured again, but uses hypnosis to trick a couple guards into fighting eachother By the way, Connery can now hypnotize people simply by staring into their eyes. Should we add mind control to his growing list of skills? Maya leads the archers on horseback to the castle to raise hell. A battle ensues between the US/Highlands Boy Scouts hunting club and the adult Flash Gordon fanboys. I'm not sure if those archers still have any idea as to what's going on, but apparently they're just OK with killing these random guys they don't know. Connery and Thayer partake in what's actually a not half-bad fight scene culminating in a decent Mexican standoff with bows. Connery kills Thayer with an arrow through the heart. The good guys make it out before the castle explodes (I don't remember why), destroying the magnet machine. I wonder, are the effects of an EMP reversible? Oh well, who cares? The day is saved!

   In the final scene we see that apparently Connery now gets to keep Thayer's yacht. Our movie ends with Connery hypnotizing Cunningham to get him to piss off while the good doctor goes on a pleasure cruise with Maya and his crew full of hot chicks. The end!

   As insane as this all sounds, believe me there's a bunch of other nutty things that I didn't even mention. There's a crazed screaming man who jumps through glass, ceiling-mounted machine guns (because you'll never know when you might need one of those), a dumb innkeeper who doesn't know how telephones work, a guy watching TV shows projected onto a naked chick's back, and an explosion which seems to go on forever.

   While O.K. Connery can boast of a respectable budget – the sets and costumes are alright, they got their money's worth – its editing and camerawork leaves much to be desired. There's plenty of shots in which one or more of the subjects is out of frame and there's even a few shots where the camera appears to wobble and shudder. (Though to be fair I did just watch this movie on YouTube, so maybe it was just that particular version.) You'll also see a few cheesy, overly dramatic zoom-ins à la Austin Powers. And just like the 1960's Bond films, O.K. Connery has lots of dubbing. But whereas the Bond flicks' dubbing was sparing and good, here it is everywhere and it is awful, making the whole lip-reading ability seem even sillier in retrospect. There's even one instance where I guess the sound editor forgot to dub one of Adolfo Celi's lines, so for about four seconds or so Thayer is Italian all of a sudden.

   And that's O.K. Connery, a hastily pasted together, sloppily written, mess of a movie that looks like it was written by Ian Fleming's bizarre, but well-meaning Italian half-brother who spent significant stretches of his life locked up in Dracula's attic. It's pretty weird and funny, in the way that only a foreigner who doesn't fully understand Western cinema could achieve. It's not quite The Room (2003) levels of hilarity, but it's still rather humourous. And luckily the film's two biggest shortcomings – its wooden lead actor and its absolutely ludicrous script – actually make this film even more watchable by adding to the whole camp factor. On the whole, O.K. Connery certainly isn't a good film but it does manage to entertain, mostly by accident. If you're like me and you enjoy weird crap that pokes lighthearted fun at stuff you like then you'll find O.K. Connery to be a fun waste of time.

Grade: one out of five