Bond Film Rankings Redux

 This list took far too long to write. My bad.

You knew this was coming, and not just because I mentioned it in my review of No Time To Die. Way back in March/April 2016 I gave my personal rankings of all the official James Bond movies. That was six years ago and since then I've rewatched them all – yes, even Die Another Day – and there's been a new movie released. So have my opinions on these films changed in the past six years? Yes, obviously! But how exactly have they changed? Did they rise or fall? Which movies do I appreciate more? Which ones don't I like as much anymore? And where does NTTD fit into all this? Let's find out!

25. Die Another Day (position change from last time: -1)

Yep, six years later and I'm still unimpressed. You remember how silly superhero movies were in the 1990's? That's what Die Another Day reminds me of: a film that's trying so hard to be cool but is too silly to take seriously. The one good thing I can say about this film is that it is very reminiscent of the 007 video games that were released around that same time period, with the outlandish plots, fanciful gadgets, and improbable action scenes – not to mention the bad CGI. This might be an OK movie to watch when I'm feeling nostalgic for my bright-eyed preteen years – so I guess you could say that I don't hate it as much as I used to – but regardless Die Another Day isn't a movie I feel like watching often.

24. Quantum of Solace (-5)

The second Bond movie of the Daniel Craig era takes a steep fall in my rankings since last time for two reasons. The first is, as I've complained many times before, it isn't always a pleasant movie to watch because of the incomprehensible action scenes and the obnoxious editing. The second is that there simply isn't much to this movie story-wise. The development of Quantum of Solace's script may have been affected by the 2007 Writer's Guild strike and it shows in the lacklustre plot and the forgettable villains (although I did think the ending was alright). What we end up with is a 106 minute sequel to a 144 minute film that at the same time tries to be more than it is with an unsuitably artsy direction and a half-baked environmental message. The result is a messy flick that's just as confusing as its title suggests.

23. Moonraker (same)

The reason I don't like Moonraker much is because it has too much in common with Die Another Day: the outlandish plot, lousy humour, and overall campiness. Aside from that, Bond and Holly Goodhead have no chemistry, Jaws is an unimposing bore, and the whole thing lacks originality: the same tired 007 formula (and basically the same plot as The Spy Who Loved Me) trying to chase after that Star Wars popularity. The reason it's not last place is that Hugo Drax does make for an fine villain and the film boasts some impressive set design and special effects for its time.

22. The Man With the Golden Gun (-5)

TMWTGG is another movie that's taken a sharp dive in my personal rankings since 2016 which doesn't surprise me at all. Aside from Christopher Lee's coolness and the jaw-dropping corkscrew car jump there's really not much about this flick to draw me back since most of the rest is lame comedy, ripping off kung fu movies, and an uninspired performance by Roger Moore. There's not much The Man With the Golden Gun does better than any other Bond movie and as such it's a film I pretty much only watch if I'm doing some sort of marathon or watch-through.

21. A View to a Kill (+1)

Yeah, A View to a Kill still isn't great but I don't view it quite as unfavourably as I did before. My previous complaints haven't changed: the setup is boring at first, the Bond chick Stacey Sutton is kind of useless, and Moore is getting too old for this crap. But on the other hand I can't help but admire how bizarre the whole experience is. There's that weird genetic/steroid experimentation subplot, that over-the-top firetruck chase scene, the obvious stunt doubles, and of course Christopher Walken, who might just be the straight-up craziest Bond villain ever. When I'm in the right mood for it A View to a Kill can be an entertaining movie, but that doesn't make it a good movie.

20. Spectre (-9)

And here we have the movie that's fallen the furthest in my Bond film rankings: Spectre. In some ways this was inevitable; when I did the previous rankings list I had only seen Spectre once and it was five months prior to the writing of that article and thus I was mainly judging it based on my first impressions. But in the five years since then successive viewings have really put this film into perspective for me and now I think it's a pretty average, unremarkable 007 film. Making Blofeld Bond's adoptive brother – and then not going anywhere with it – was a boneheaded move. (Also how am I supposed to take Blofeld as a serious threat when he wears ankle-exposing pants, no socks, and shoes with no laces?) The romance wasn't all that convincing, the plot is pretty standard, and the action, while not bad, isn't very memorable. The one problem that I believe has plagued every Daniel Craig-era movie is that they focus on the continuity and world-building at the expense of making each film complete in their own right. Aside from some great cinematography, a dramatic theme song, and an expert performance from Craig there isn't much about Spectre that stands out to me.

19. Tomorrow Never Dies (+1)

Tomorrow Never Dies moves up one spot mostly because other films moved lower on this list. My opinion hasn't changed much. With mostly bland settings, a lame-ass villain, and an overemphasis on all-out action over intrigue and stealth, TND remains an average Bond film for me. However there are still things about this movie that are enjoyable. I like how Elliot Carver, as unimposing as he is, has a sense of humour. While the film is very action-heavy the action scenes are done rather well – my favourites are the car chase in the parkade and the motorcycle chase in Ho Chi Minh City. While lacking in chemistry with Bond, Wei Lin is still a kickass Bond girl. And while it didn't amount to much I do like how the film tried something different with Bond returning to a past lover. All in all, Tomorrow Never Dies is a mixed bag that could've been better.

18. Octopussy (+3)

Probably the biggest surprise as I made up this list is how much more I like Octopussy than I did before. Repeat viewings have led me to conclude that this one may not be as average as I once thought. First off, India makes for a pretty unique and interesting setting – it makes one wish more movies took place there! The assortment of villains is excellent with the intimidating Gobinda, the slimy yet smooth Kamal Khan, and the slightly unhinged General Orlov. The title character is a splendid addition, arguably the best bond girl of the Roger Moore films with their decent chemistry, and she's no slouch either: with her henchmen, secluded lair, and self-defence skills she could easily have qualified for a bond villain herself. Top it all off with some cool stunt work, like with the fight scenes atop a moving train or even atop a flying airplane! I was wrong before; this movie ain't half-bad!

17. Dr. No (-1)

Coming in at almost the same spot is the one that started it all: Dr. No. When you compare it to the almost sixty years' worth of action movies since it's easy to see this film as quaint and kind of campy. While I must admit that there isn't much Dr. No does better than any other Bond film it still has an undeniable charm to it, and the the coolness of its main character – and especially his introductory scene – still makes for a decent watch.

16. Diamonds Are Forever (+2)

I never thought I'd say this but I think I like Diamonds Are Forever more than Dr. No. It probably just took me a little bit to get over the campiness of it all. I can now appreciate the film's (at times) bizarre sense of tongue-in-cheek humour, this devious and arrogant version of Blofeld (played by Charles Gray) has really grown on me, and the assortment of villains is quite entertaining. Sean Connery still manages to give one more magnetic performance as agent 007 and Jill St. John is a fun addition as Tiffany Case. All in all Diamonds Are Forever is more enjoyable than I originally thought and is serviceable entertainment. It's basically Austin Powers but without the stupidity.

15. No Time To Die

Coming in at 15^th is the most recent Bond flick, No Time To Die, and as you can see I'm a lot more reserved in my ranking of the new film this time around. I think it's just because I'm a little more cautious with how I've compared this against all the other twenty-four movies. But that doesn't mean that I'm any less enthusiastic about how I view No Time To Die. With some great action scenes, dazzling cinematography, and fine characters NTTD is a pretty good addition to the series and a suitable end to the Daniel Craig era. If it weren't for Bond's out-of-character dialogue, the villain's unclear goals, and the over-the-top premise this film would have ranked even higher. For more detail, check out my full review from October.

14. The Spy Who Loved Me (+1)

Not much has changed with my opinions of The Spy Who Loved Me, probably the most popular of the Roger Moore 007 films. As such I really don't have much to say in addition to what I wrote back in 2016. It's a fine movie with good heroes, exhilarating action, a fun story, decent theme song, but lacklustre villains. Good enough to take it almost to the halfway point of this list.

13. For Your Eyes Only (+1)

Since 2016 I've rewatched For Your Eyes Only multiple times and I've decided that this movie is awesome – dumbass opening scene notwithstanding. The outlandish plots of previous films were reigned in to tell a more down-to-earth story with more believable action scenes and a compelling bond girl in Melina Havelock. But what I've really grown to appreciate are this film's locations: Greece and the Italian Alps are fascinating places to set a spy film, and seeing Bond partake in winter sports never gets old. All in all, FYEO is an excellent entry in the 007 series, one that you oughtta watch!

12. Live and Let Die (same)

Six years later and here I am still convinced that Live and Let Die is the best of the Roger Moore era 007 films. It remains the most different of the Bond movies and if the whole British-secret-agent-in-a-blaxploitation-movie thing isn't your cup of tea then I understand but for me this is a welcome change of pace and it serves as an enjoyable first outing for Roger Moore in this series. In spite of – or possibly because of – its uniqueness Live and Let Die proved that the 007 series was capable of going on post-Connery and it continues to entertain to this day.

11. The Living Daylights (-3)

The Living Daylights is unfortunately one of those films that's noticeably dropped in my rankings since last time. I say unfortunately because this is a film that I still very much like. Timothy Dalton's ruthless performance as Bond is a welcome change of pace, the settings (Cold War Central Europe, Afghanistan) are awesome and appropriate for the movie's period (1987), and I appreciate the (mostly) more serious tone. The only downside is that I've become more aware of the lack of a strong villain character; Whitaker and Koskov aren't all that intimidating or threatening. It's true that there are a few more 007 films that I've grown to appreciate more, but nevertheless The Living Daylights still manages to capture my attention every time.

10. The World Is Not Enough (+3)

Starting off the Top 10 of my list is The World Is Not Enough, a movie that gets better every time I see it. This one has all the things that were great about the Pierce Brosnan era: the one-liners, the over-the-top gadgets that verge on being silly, the henchman with a gimmick, Bond's personal drama, and some tongue-in-cheek self-awareness (Denise Richards is a nuclear physicist – just go with it). You've also got some memorable side characters – M, the new Q, Zukovsky, Robinson, Bullion – some exciting action scenes, and even a female villain, a rarity in this series. I'll admit that sometimes it seems that the over-the-top nature of the action and plot can sometimes conflict with the seriousness that the film tries to go for – something that the later Craig-era films did better – but The World Is Not Enough is still a great underrated Brosnan-era Bond film.

9. Thunderball (same)

Remaining at number nine is the 1965 classic Thunderball. Please excuse this brief description but there's not much I can say about it that I haven't already. It was a good movie then and it's a good movie now. 'Nuff said.

8. License to Kill (+2)

In a move that surprises me, License to Kill has replaced The Living Daylights as my preferred Timothy Dalton Bond film. As was the case with the latter film this one continues acknowledging the trends of its time period – the War on Drugs, hyper-violent action films, explosions, televangelists – and plays them off of Dalton's intense and cynical portrayal of Bond and it works so much better this time around, even if it does every so often seem like the film is grasping at the coattails of Scarface. The story of Bond's revenge for what happened to the Leiters is a welcome deviation from the typical 007 plot. It also helps that it has a compelling pair of Bond girls as well as some of the series' best action scenes ever (how could one forget that tanker truck chase scene?). License to Kill is a Bond film for the ages.

7. You Only Live Twice (-1)

This is the movie you go to when you want some all-out, high stakes action from the classic 007 entries. You Only Live Twice has it all: exotic locations, threatening villains, ninjas, exciting action, and dazzling set design: you know, all the things that Austin Powers copied. Really the only thing YOLT is missing is some memorable Bond girls and a little more vitality to Sean Connery's performance; these things could have elevated it to #4. But as it is You Only Live Twice is still makes for an excellent spy adventure.

6. GoldenEye (-1)

After six years of no 007 films this one comes along and totally breathes new life into the series. GoldenEye has it all: a pulse-pounding opening scene that brilliantly introduces us to the new Bond actor, an expertly-crafted tone throughout, a riveting ensemble of villains, a proficient Bond girl in Natalya Simonova, some intense fight scenes, a high stakes villain plot, and a cool, confident debut performance from Pierce Brosnan. In addition we're treated to likeable new supporting characters who would turn up in successive films, such as Valentin Zukovsky, Jack Wade, and Judi Dench's M. I don't even mind the much-maligned scoring. GoldenEye was the near-perfect start of a new era for 007 and for many filmgoers it made the series matter again.

5. On Her Majesty's Secret Service (-1)

I still think On Her Majesty's Secret Service is an upper-tier Bond film and I watch it frequently enough – after all, it's the closest the series has to a Christmas movie. The action is intense by 1960's standards, the locations are dazzling, the score sets the tone excellently, and the performances are all great... except I find that my appreciation of George Lazenby has diminished slightly. “Same ball park as Connery?” Yeah right. Lazenby wasn't terrible – especially for a first-time actor – but he didn't exactly have the nuance and attention to detail we'd see with other 007 actors. It also didn't help that his lone 007 film demanded a lot from him as far as emotional displays goes. Despite this OHMSS can be enjoyed by just about any action movie fan.

4. From Russia With Love (+3)

Much like with The World Is Not Enough, From Russia With Love is a film that only gets better every time I watch it. FRWL is twice as thrilling as its predecessor, with a lot more tension – assassin Red Grant posing as Bond's associate on the Orient Express – but still some neat action scenes like the fight at the gypsy camp and the speed boat chase. Sean Connery is on fire in this film building upon the coolness established in Dr. No – and with a surprising amount of intensity too. Casting is also on point with the ensemble of villains we get to see, as well as Daniela Bianchi playing Tatiana Romanova. In many ways From Russia With Love is the film that really established the 007 series' look and method going forward, the one against which all successive films would be compared. And with a movie like this I'd say they set the bar pretty high.

3. Skyfall (same)

I'd say that Skyfall is easily the most popular Bond film of my lifetime: the one that plays on TV all the time, the one that everybody saw when it was in theatres, the only film of the series to have grossed over a billion dollars at the box office. For a lot of my friends this is the only Bond film they've ever seen. And if you're only ever going to watch just one 007 movie (what the hell is wrong with you?) then Skyfall is a very good candidate. Not only does it have the exciting edge-of-your-seat action moments, a fine story, a outstanding villain, gorgeous cinematography, and top notch performances from Judi Dench and Daniel Craig, but it also has the advantage of not being bogged down by continuity; unlike the other Craig-era films you can watch this one on its own and not miss anything important. But for those of you who do pay close attention, you'll be pleased at the multitude of subtle references to the past Bond films in this 50 year anniversary adventure. All in all, Skyfall is a fitting tribute to one of action cinema's greatest franchises and is one of the very best this series has to offer. My appreciation for it has only grown, but alas not enough to put it past the next film on this list.

2. Goldfinger (same)

Five years later and I'm still trying to come up with something unique to say about Goldfinger. It's regarded by many to be the best in the series and for good reason. Connery's performance as James Bond is spot on and cool and you can tell he's having a blast playing this character. The cocky but clever Auric Goldfinger, the domineering Oddjob, and the graceful, no-nonsense Pussy Galore make up what's arguably the series' most memorable supporting cast. The action and stunts are spectacular and give us just the right amounts of suspense balanced against just the right amount of levity. Top it all off with an unforgettable theme song, eye-catching sets, and brilliant villain scheme and you've got one hell of a 007 movie. With this third entry the series had now fully hit its stride, making Goldfinger the (gold) standard that all subsequent Bond films would be measured against.

1. Casino Royale (same)

That's right, my top three movies didn't change at all from last time. Coming in at number one is that Bond film that I can't stop talking about on this blog: Casino Royale. You're probably sick of me gushing about how gripping the opening scene is, how cool the credits sequence is, how riveting the action is, and how pitch-perfect the acting is. Since 2016 I've come to appreciate other aspects of Casino Royale like its beautiful photography and the character progression of Bond. It also has unquestionably the best romance of the series (yes, even better than Spectre & No Time To Die). In the mid-2000's people were unsure of whether the 007 series needed a reboot, but looking back I believe it was the correct choice – for better or worse – and Casino Royale was a great start to a new era of Bond. I eagerly await the day another film in this franchise can approach this one's excellence. (I mean I know there was Skyfall but... you know what I'm saying.)

Movie Review -- No Time To Die

 Time, Mr. Craig? Is it really that time again? It seems as if you only just arrived. You've done a great deal in a small time span. So it's only fitting that you go out with a bang, wouldn't you say? Yes the time for No Time To Die has finally come. After nearly two years of anxious waiting this damned film finally saw theatres and at last we can take in what is Daniel Craig's last outing as agent 007. His filmography in this series has been uneven so far, so does No Time To Die end his run on a high note? Let's take a look.

After an opening scene split into two parts – a flashback and a scene that happens right after the end of Spectre – NTTD picks up five years later with a retired James Bond living in Jamaica. He's approached by the CIA – and discouraged by MI6 – to assist in the search for a missing scientist who's developed a nanotechnology weapon that can kill pre-programmed targets. The trail leads him to some shadowy organizations and forces him to reconsider his lover Madeleine Swann. Honestly, this is a plot that has more in common with Mission Impossible films than Bond films: a generic spy movie premise, fanciful sci-fi situations, a story that focuses on the hero's personal life, and the highest stakes possible.

Nevertheless there is still the old 007 familiarity that accompanies No Time To Die, from the gunbarrel opening to the customary supporting characters and everything in between. Seriously, there are a ton of references and callbacks in this film, including but not limited to musical themes, models of cars, lines of dialogue, and portraits on walls. Try to spot them all! We even get the welcome return of post-kill one-liners and those henchmen who are based around one particular gimmick. And of course there's some great action scenes throughout put on dazzling display thanks to the capable cinematography and the often simplistic, yet lived-in looking set design. I especially loved the last 40 minutes or so: it includes this one gunfight in a stairway that's up close, consists of long shots, and is relentlessly intense. It beats any action scene found in Spectre by a mile.

While the acting is fine across the board the characters are a bit of a mixed bag. For instance, Rami Malek delivers the creepiness as villain Lyutsifer Safin (real subtle with the name there...) but after his chilling introduction his subsequent appearances have diminishing returns, not helped by the fact that his endgame remains a little unclear. Lashana Lynch shows up as Nomi, the new agent 007 since Bond's retirement. Her character's not so bad though she could have used a bit more development. On the other hand we have Ana de Armas as the inexperienced, yet effervescent agent Paloma. Her appearance in NTTD is brief but delightfully fun.

But perhaps the most surprising performance comes from Daniel Craig himself. In contrast to Craig's usual Bond exploits, No Time To Die's Bond is much more talkative, jokey, and expressive than the cool, steely agent we've seen before. Although some might argue this is because Bond's personal life plays a bigger role in NTTD, it still doesn't quite seem right.

As far as overall quality goes I'd rank No Time To Die squarely in the middle of Daniel Craig's 007 films. (Expect an updated Bond films rankings sometime soon!) While it doesn't hit the highs set by Casino Royale and Skyfall, it's at least better than Quantum of Solace and its predecessor Spectre thanks to its more exciting action, more colourful characters, and more memorable story. If it weren't for Craig's atypical performance, the fantastic premise, and the bloated length – not to mention the forgettable theme song – this could have been truly great. But as it is No Time To Die is a suitable end to the Craig era of Bond. Mission accomplished.

Grade:

Screw Die Hard: Top 10 Christmas Movies You Didn't Know Were Christmas Movies

Sometimes internet culture is like you when you were a little kid. You know, when you said something that the adults unexpectedly found funny so you repeated that same thing over and over again expecting the same hilarious result when in fact you were really making everyone sick of you. Case in point: OH MY GOSH GUYS, DIE HARD IS TOTALLY A CHRISTMAS MOVIE!!!!!!! AMIRITE? LOL FTW YOLO DOUBLE RAINBOW 360 NOSCOPE ROFL COPTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so sick and tired of people making the joke that Die Hard (1988) – a violent action movie that is not exactly festive in the traditional sense – is a legit Christmas movie simply because it takes place around 25 December, features a couple holiday songs, and has a handful of seasons greetings in it. It's an overdone joke that I've been hearing for at least eight years now and I'm simply tired of it, you know?

(Just for the record, I'm not hating on Die Hard. I thoroughly enjoy it and think it's one of the greatest action movies ever made. This is all just for fun.)

But I guess that if a few nods to Jesus' birthday and the festivities surrounding it is all you need to qualify as a Christmas movie then screw it, I guess Die Hard is a Christmas movie then. But you know what? Two can play at this game! This is my list of top ten other films that qualify as Christmas movies.

10. American Sniper (2014)

What? What are you talking about? American Sniper is totally a Christmas movie! There was that one scene where Chris Kyle is watching war footage of US soldiers getting shot in Iraq as he sits next to a Christmas tree in his living room. It demonstrates Chris' trouble with leaving the war behind and focusing on his family even during a holiday season on which families traditionally get together in peace. Chris sees his comrades in the military as his second family which he wishes to protect and thus he can't get the war out of his mind. And nothing says “Merry Christmas” like combat-induced stress in veterans, right?

9. Stalingrad (1993)

Stalingrad is a German war film about a platoon of Wehrmacht soldiers participating in the epic Battle of Stalingrad (1942-3). It is also unquestionably a Christmas movie. There's one scene set in late December where the situation for the Germans isn't looking good. The Red Army has them encircled, supplies are running low, and a breakout seems less and less likely with each passing day. The main characters have been sentenced to a penal company and are off to take part in a suicide mission. As they ride in the back of a freezing cold truck one of them spontaneously sings “O Tannenbaum” (or “Oh Christmas Tree” as it's known in English). As if that wasn't Christmassy enough, just look at all the snow that envelops three-quarters of this movie. Need I say more?

8. Miracle (2004)

You remember Miracle? It was one of the best hockey movies ever made and it's also a pretty darn good Christmas movie. During a brief holiday break from Olympic training camp the US hockey players take part in a gift exchange. I don't know about you but my holiday season isn't complete until I see Dave Silk being given a pair of silk underpants.

7. Jarhead (2005)

It turns out that it wasn't the waiting, the boredom, the heat, the sand, the thought of his girlfriend at home cheating on him, or his being denied the killing he was meticulously trained to do that drove Lance Corporal Anthony Swofford to have a mental breakdown. It was the fact that he missed out on Christmas 1990 with his family, of course! The closest he got was getting drunk and dancing naked wearing nothing but a Santa hat and even that got ruined by clumsy Fergus falling asleep on the job. Way to go Fergus, you ruined Christmas in Kuwait!

6. On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969)

I honestly don't know why people pick Die Hard as the definitive faux-Xmas flick over OHMSS. This one's got it all: a wintery Swiss setting chock full of winter sports, loads of Christmas decorations, and a gift exchange scene involving beautiful young ladies being hypnotized into committing acts of biological warfare. Does Die Hard have those things? Nuh uh. Does Die Hard have Ernst Stavro Blofeld saying “Merry Christmas, 007”? Didn't think so. Sure, in Die Hard John McLane and Holly get back together at the end but do they get married like Bond and Tracey did in OHMSS? No they don't. I rest my case.

5. The Godfather (1972)

The Godfather is often cited as one of the best movies ever made. It is also one of the best Christmas movies ever made and here's why. There's not one but two scenes showing characters shopping for Xmas presents. Michael and Kay are having a fun time shopping for their friends and Tom Hagen gets kidnapped by Sollozzo the Turk while shopping for his kids. What a nice way to spend the holidays.

4. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (2011)

You know I'll talk about this movie any chance I get. That's because TGWTDT is one of my favourite movies ever – and if we're going by Die Hard rules then it counts as my favourite Christmas movie of all time. In fact it's so Christmassy that it has Christmas in it twice! That's right, Xmas appears near the film's beginning – Blomkvist is at a Christmas party and Lisbeth gives a gift to her ward only to find that he's had a stroke – and again at the very end when Lisbeth gets a gift for her crush Blomkvist only to find that he's a man whore. Yeah, late December doesn't seem to work out well for Lisbeth Salander.

3. Batman Returns (1992)

Well, damn. Here I was going to make a big tongue-in-cheek thing about how Batman Returns is totally a Christmas movie – what with tons of decorations, trees, snow, and holiday greetings – but Wikipedia of all people beat me to it. Of course the joke was that Batman Returns is a somewhat dark movie with disturbing visuals and insane characters set against a backdrop of the most peaceful and joyous of holidays. But Wiki-freakin'-pedia already has it in their Christmas movies category. You know you've failed at comedy when an online encyclopedia beats you to the punch. Oh well, speaking of Batman...

2. The Dark Knight (2008)

There's a scene where one of Joker's crazy henchman says all the voices in him were replaced with lights “like Christmas”. 'Nuff said.

1. Jingle All the Way (1996)

You probably didn't know this but Jingle All the Way is actually a Christmas movie. Even though it clearly wasn't meant to be. It couldn't have been. There's no way that's what they were going for with this film. In truth Jingle All the Way was intended as a black comedy, a satire depicting the over-commercialization of North American society and how rampant consumerism has driven us all mad to the point of greed, violence, and theft. The film's “happy ending” is simply some greedy kid being given some plastic toy he covets. Materialism brings everyone together, I guess. But if you look closely you can see some subtle Christmas flavour sprinkled about. For example, in some scenes you can catch a glimpse of some Christmas decorations. And did you know the reason people are buying so much stuff in this movie is because 25 December is approaching? And lastly, if you look closely enough you might just see Santa Claus in there somewhere. The only downside is that in order to spot any of this you have to pay attention to the movie, which I wouldn't recommend.

Top 20 Good Parts of Bad Movies, Part 1

Sometimes even bad movies aren't all bad. It's very rare to find a bad movie that has absolutely no redeeming qualities to it. A lot of bad movies have at least one good part – be it an actor, a particular scene, or some other element – that make the whole thing... tolerable, the only thing you might look forward to when you watch it. So for the next couple weeks I'm going to count down the Top 20 Good Parts to Bad Movies. For this list I've tried sticking to films that had only one redeeming element to them; so you're not going to see movies like Spider-Man 3 or Attack of the Clones because, while they weren't that great, they did have several individual good things in them. And keep in mind that my ranking of this list is very subjective. I tried ranking it in order of which movies benefited the most from their one good thing. Trust me, it'll make more sense when you read it. And lastly, I'm not counting things that are ironically good or so-bad-they're-good. So you won't see Tommy Wiseau's acting or Birdemic's editing on this list. So here we go.

Honourable mentions: the thumbs up GIF from Batman Forever, the hand-to-hand combat in Jack Reacher: Never Go Back, the baseball scene in Twilight

20. Jack Black as Augie in Airborne (1993)

If you don't know Airborne, don't feel bad. It's not worth knowing. Apart from Seth Green's ludicrous haircut the only thing of note here is a young Jack Black playing some jock/bully who has one angry outburst. Some hippie surfer dweeb is introducing himself to the class at highschool and Jack Black just jumps to the front, interrupts the dude, and shouts him down. It's pretty amusing. Thank you, Jack Black.

19. Colin Farrell in Total Recall (2012)

The Total Recall remake isn't a terrible movie; if you switch your brain off it can be modestly entertaining. But one can't deny that it's a derivative and wholly unnecessary film with nothing new to say for both science fiction and the 1990 original and is just cashing in on the original's name recognition. But at least Colin Farrell was pretty good in it. He makes for a decent action hero and he capably pulls off the whole everyman-being-swept-along-with-crazy-events thing. Still, he's not as memorable as Schwarzenegger.

18. Malcolm McDowell as Dr. Loomis in Halloween I & II (2007, 2009)

The two Rob Zombie Halloween films aren't very good. You might like them if you enjoy films in which everyone is a redneck jerk, there's tons of mean-spiritedness, and there's no tension or suspense... and if you never liked the original Halloween films to begin with. (On second thought, maybe I'll write an article on this one day.) But at least Malcolm McDowell makes a great Dr. Loomis. Sure, he's got an ego, he's not all that great a doctor, and this performance doesn't compare with the intensity and gravitas of Donald Pleasence's but this version of Dr. Loomis is still rather good. Like the original, he's an obsessed doctor who despairs at how he can't help Michael Myers. What makes him different from classic Loomis is that McDowell's Loomis sort of says “screw it”, becomes an arrogant jerk, and tries profiting off the whole mess which sets up his redemption later on. Again, this isn't as interesting as the classic Loomis, but it is by far the best thing about Rob Zombie's Halloween films and this mainly thanks to McDowell's performance.

17. The Three Stooges in The Three Stooges (2012)

As I've said before, I've been a big fan of the 3 Stooges since childhood. Who doesn't get some sort of enjoyment from watching a trio of chowder-heads slap eachother around and get into wacky hi jinks? The 2012 3 Stooges movie wasn't all that great, but the one thing it got right was really the only thing it needed to get right, and that's the Stooges themselves. (I mean, nobody goes into a 3 Stooges movie expecting groundbreaking cinematography or an expertly crafted musical score.) Chris Diamantopoulos (Moe), Sean Hayes (Larry), and Will Sasso (Curly) all play their characters to a T. These wise-guys so closely resemble the classic Stooges that it's almost eerie, they've been brought back to life. These three knickle-heads have done their comedic idols proud and 3 Stooges fans soitenly couldn't have asked for better.

16. The train chase in The Lone Ranger (2013)

Too little, too late? Perhaps, but one can't deny that the final train chase scene of Lone Ranger was some good fun. For once in this two-and-a-half hour movie, the thing doesn't take itself so seriously (or try cramming in some weird ivory fetishes). What follows is several minutes of some over-the-top Pirates of the Carribean-style spectacle with an impressive blend of special effects, stunt work, humour, fast-paced action, and the classic William Tell overture. If you're curious, then just watch this one scene and don't bother with the rest of the film. I guarantee it'll be the most fun you've seen on a train in movies since Spider-Man 2. All aboard!

15. The Battle of Passchendaele in Passchendaele (2008)

Canadian cinema doesn't exactly have the most enviable reputation around, and Passchendaele is no exception to the rule. Don't get me wrong, it isn't a terrible movie but it is a pretty dull one. To call it the Great White North's answer to Pearl Harbor wouldn't be that far from the truth. At times it plays like a history lesson, and not a particularly interesting one. There's only two battle scenes: a very brief one at the film's beginning and the titular 1917 battle toward the film's end. And this is a right proper battle scene as brutal as anything in Saving Private Ryan with perhaps even more grit. Canadian and German soldiers slog it out in the rain and mud, shooting, stabbing, impaling, drowning, blasting, and beating eachother in an orgy of death that is directed serviceably. It has some tense moments and you'll care about what's happening to at least a few of the characters. It is my belief that every country that produces movies deserves at least one really badass historical battle scene. This is Canada's and I'm proud to call it my own.

14. Pierce Brosnan as James Bond in Die Another Day (2002)

Sure he was just on the verge of being too old for the role, but Pierce Brosnan does do an alright job in his last outing as agent 007, which is one of the few positive things I can say about Die Another Day. If you read Arnold's Benediction often then you probably already know my thoughts on Die Another Day and it's a shame that Brosnan's last James Bond performance was in such a lame film (which seems to happen a lot to Bond actors). I consider him to be one of the better James Bond actors; a well-rounded, total package sort of performance. While not all of his 007 flicks were great Pierce Brosnan was often a highlight in them. Mission accomplished.

13. Jennifer Aniston in Just Go With It (2011)

I'm just going to come out and say this – and you're not going to believe me – but Just Go With It is a worse movie than Jack and Jill. It is half an hour longer with a wholly pointless, meandering plot, spotty logic, and wretched characters who don't care about anyone but themselves. The only lifelike, believable, down-to-earth one amongst them is the one played by Jennifer Aniston who has surprisingly good comedic timing and decent chemistry with the main character (the Adam Sandler dude; trust me, it's not worth the time to look up these characters' names). I mean yeah, it is obvious that they're going to get together at the end, but in a movie this bad I'll take what I can get.

12. Seth Green as Scott Evil in Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999)

Hmm. You know, I was originally going to mention how much I liked Seth Green in the second Austin Powers movie, but then I did some research and realized that most of his scenes that I liked actually took place in Man of Mystery (1997), the first film in the trilogy. But you know that's what happens when you've got three films with dull plots, shallow main characters, and recycled jokes that become progressively dumber and immature. I liked these films when I was 12 (big surprise), but since then my admiration for Austin Powers films has almost vanished. (Having said that I have come to appreciate the attempt at spoofing 1960's Bond films. There was at least a respectable amount of effort in that regard.) Having said that, the character of Scott Evil was a highlight for me, especially in the first two films. This may be perhaps because he is at one and the same time both the bewildered straight man/slacker of the Evil organization and a bright-eyed teenager who wants to be accepted by his evil mastermind father. It's brilliant. Too bad it's surrounded by dick jokes and poop gags.

11. Michael Ironside as General Katana in Highlander II: The Quickening (1991)

I think everyone already knows that this is one of the worst films ever made, so I'm just going to skip ahead to the good stuff. Michael Ironside is an actor I enjoy watching. He plays the tough guy/villain role well and his voice sounds so cool. In Highlander II we get all this and more: he hams it up a bit with goofy one-liners and jokes and over-the-top faces. It's just too bad that his character is dumb as a post and has no real motivation for doing the things he does... 'Dat voice, though.

Video Game Retrospective -- GoldenEye: Rogue Agent (2004), Part 2

And now, the thrilling conclusion to my look back at the most frustrating 007 video game of them all, GoldenEye: Rogue Agent.

  Next up is not-SPECTRE headquarters in an underwater lair called the Octopus, which sort of reminds me of Stromberg's base from The Spy Who Loved Me. Other than that, there's not much to say. The Octopus is just more of the same bland tedium found in the rest of the game. By the next level, Goldfinger's found out that Dr. No's home base is in Crab Key and dispatches GoldenEye there to kill the doctor and target the island for an OMEN strike. This is the only level that seems to open up into wide open spaces as you brainlessly sludge your way through the docks, around the mine, and finally into the base itself. There's two tanks guarding the base's entry doors, but if you activate your invincibility and sprint around them you can safely shoot rockets at their backs since they can't turn around for some reason. The level ends with a pretty good boss fight against Dr. No. Once he is dead, Goldfinger, believing the rogue agent to be too powerful to control – and revealing that he has plans to overthrow not-Blofeld to take over not-SPECTRE – betrays GoldenEye and leaves him to die in the OMEN strike. However GoldenEye manages to escape before the island is destroyed.

  With Scaramanga and Pussy's help, he returns to the volcano lair (straight outta You Only Live Twice) to confront Goldfinger. This is the final and most difficult level of the game. Not only is it ungodly long, but it's also the only level featuring the OMEN rifle. This weapon uses OMEN technology to fire glowing blue thingees that kill in just one hit (or two if you've got your invincibility shield active). The blue thingees can be dodged, but it's very biased. OMEN wielding enemies fire their guns very rapidly and if the blue thingees come anywhere near you you're dead. However when you use the rifle (which can only fire 3 shots before needing to reload, by the way) you don't get to fire rapidly, reload times are slow, and the enemies always seem to dodge the projectiles at a distance of anything more than 15 meters or so. My tactics for this level avoided using the OMEN rifle and involved a lot of hiding behind cover, a lot of grenade spamming, and very brief and careful poking of my head out to shoot for brief seconds lest I get hit by a stray OMEN blue glowing thingee. You have NPC allies at certain points but they're useless; they die quickly and only serve to momentarily distract the enemies.

  So you forge ahead through so many freakin' rooms, many of which are repeated multiple times. I should also mention that while Rogue Agent does have a checkpoint-respawn system, not all checkpoints are save points. So if you try leaving the game in the middle of one of its ceaselessly long levels, you may lose a bunch of progress when you come back. Finding this out was not fun, believe me. Eventually you make it to this wide round room with loads of badguys (including some OMEN gunners) pouring out of multiple doors. Cover is sparse, ammo is out in the open, enemies are constantly running around all over the place, and you can't go back since the door behind you closes. Unless you stay in the doorway and pick off badguys from afar (even this doesn't accomplish much) there's nowhere to hide. Once you enter that room, you're committed. I was stuck on this one room for over an hour before I gave up, threw the game disc against the wall, and watched a longplay on YouTube to see what I missed. It turns out that there's only one hallway and one cutscene after this room. So yes, I didn't fully beat the game but I did complete 99.9% of it. That much effort is far more than this game deserved.

  So after the hell room and straightforward easy hallway following it, you reach some bulletproof glass behind which Goldfinger makes his grand villain speech with the OMEN by his side. Unbeknownst to him, GoldenEye (that is , the player) has been using this moment to hack the OMEN and activate it, killing the evil mastermind and his remaining henchman. Were you expecting a final boss fight or something? What are you, crazy? Pussy Galore picks up the agent in her helicopter and the two celebrate with a victory shag. Little do they know that the events of this whole game were part of not-Blofeld's plan and that he and Scaramanga (who was in on it) will be keeping an eye on the rogue agent.

  So that does it for the singleplayer campaign and to sum it all up it's one of the most dreary and joyless video games I ever forced myself to slog through (or at least 99.9% of the way through). The plot is uninteresting, the enemies suck, and the levels are obscenely long. What it needed – aside from the aforementioned level design and gameplay variety – was a main character who had a bit of personality. Never once throughout the entire game, including cutscenes, does GoldenEye speak or even show some character. He's an empty skull for the player to rent. GoldenEye: Rogue Agent would've also benefited from a level in which you could fight James Bond as a boss. How cool would that be?

  As for multiplayer, I can't really say all that much because I didn't play too much of it. There's two reasons why. The first is that there's no bots, which is a real letdown because multiplayer shooters are generally funner with more opponents (plus previous 007 games did have bots). The second is that the GoldenEye abilities, which are available in MP, take some explaining/getting used to for players who haven't played the singleplayer campaign – and let me tell you, I've never met anyone else who played Rogue Agent's SP. Other than that, the multiplayer is pretty average. There's few match types, the character skins are dull, and the weapons are all the same as in SP. The most noteworthy thing about this game mode is the maps which most 007 fans may find rather interesting. There's maps based on Tomorrow Never Dies, A View to a Kill, The Man With the Golden Gun, and Moonraker, and a lot of them have traps that can be activated on one's opponents.

  And that's all there is to say about GoldenEye: Rogue Agent; it's a very dull, very bland, very colourless FPS that barely feels like it has anything to do with the 007 franchise. It's no wonder the game's box comes with a flashy “007 Presents:” sticker on it, just to remind you what it is. They even took the name of the most popular 007 game ever – GoldenEye 64 – and slapped it on this one in a blatant cash-in attempt. It doesn't work because this doesn't feel like a Bond game, nor does it feel like a Bond villain game. It's a no name henchman simulator, a wasted opportunity destined to be forgotten by all but the most hardcore of Bond fan completionists. For everyone else, don't bother with Rogue Agent.

Video Game Retrospective -- GoldenEye: Rogue Agent (2004), Part 1

  There are a ton of James Bond video games out there. There's 007 games for just about every console from the ZX Spectrum to the Wii U and I'm sure most fans of the Bond movies have tried at least one of the franchise's many interactive experiences. I've only played a handful – Agent Under Fire (2001), Everything or Nothing (2003), GoldenEye 007 (1997) – and to be honest I suck at most of them (the only one I've ever completed is AUF). But earlier this year I put myself through one 007 game that I just had to write about, 2004's GoldenEye: Rogue Agent.

  Although its title implies the game's based on the 1995 film GoldenEye, Rogue Agent is an entirely original creation. Taking place in an alternate universe, the plot follows a former MI6 agent who's turned evil and gotten a job with Auric Goldfinger of not-SPECTRE (remember, this was when the legal rights to the name SPECTRE were in dispute). Playing a Bond-style adventure as a villain instead of the familiar hero had a lot of potential. Just think of all the stuff an evil version of James Bond could get up to! This is going to be amazing, right?

  Let's go through the single player campaign together, shall we? The game begins with an introductory level at Fort Knox just like in Goldfinger, except you take on the roll of some agent dude partnered with Bond. You spend a minute getting acquainted with the controls, which this game maps out serviceably. Within moments your helicopter crashes and falls through a roof, crushing agent 007. Oops.

  It's in this beginning level you're introduced to the gunplay, so let's go over that for a moment. Unlike most 007 games of the era, Rogue Agent only allows you to carry two weapons instead of a full arsenal. Lame! There's a basic pistol you always have in reserve, but it thankfully disappears if you choose to dual wield two other weapons. That's right, you can dual wield in this game. This only goes for some weapons though; larger weapons like rocket launchers and assault rifles need both hands to operate them. Also, most of the guns don't allow you to zoom in. Ranged weapons are limited. You've got a limited assortment of weapons: 2 pistols, an assault rifle, an SMG, a grenade launcher/detonator, a rocket launcher, a lever-action shotgun, a slow-firing rail gun, and a poison/stun gun that slows people down. That's pretty much it. The only real escalation in firepower comes in the form of a minigun (in the 4^th or 5^th level) and the final level's OMEN rifle. More on that one later...

  As far as abilities go, you can't jump, but you can melee and you can also take enemies as human shields which is always good for a laugh. However, the dumb badguys can often be seen doing the same... to eachother.

  Anyways, you fight through Fort Knox to prevent a nuclear bomb from detonating and as soon as it looks like you're going to fight Oddjob, the bomb detonates and the level ends. But it's OK because it was just a simulation. M (voiced by Judi Dench herself) scolds the unnamed agent and dismisses him. The player is then treated to a rather cool opening “credits” scene setting up the plot. The agent gets a job with Goldfinger, Dr. No breaks away from not-SPECTRE and tries to take over the world on his own, a rivalry develops between Goldfinger and Dr. No, the doctor shoots the agent in the eye, and Francisco Scaramanga, not-SPECTRE's tech specialist (voiced by Christopher Lee himself), implants a cybernetic eye of gold in the vengeful agent's head thus giving him the moniker “GoldenEye”. Uh hum. This eye gives the player special abilities that are gained as the campaign progresses. These include MRI vision, hacking, brief invincibility, and later telekinesis. Weird.

  The next cutscene shows off Goldfinger's new weapon, the OMEN, which destroys organic matter and disintegrates dudes. Dr. No and his forces discover it's being held at Goldfinger's secret arctic hideout and attack it. And so the second level tasks you with defending the arctic base, and it's not all that great a level. It's a boring arrangement of dull rooms and hallways. The only real highlights are (1) the level's traps that you can activate and (2) the appearance of the laser from the movie Goldfinger (too bad you can't use that as a trap!). Anyways, the base is wrecked but the OMEN is shepherded away. GoldenEye is picked up by Pussy Galore who, by the way, looks and sounds almost nothing like she did in the film. Here she's basically your chauffeur... in a pink helicopter. Remember that from Goldfinger? I don't.

  The next mission takes place in Hong Kong where GoldenEye is tasked with assassinating Dr. No. Spoiler alert: it doesn't work. With an objective like this they could've mixed things up a bit with a sniping mission or stealth gameplay. But no, the majority of this level is shooty-shooty bang-bang inside and above dozens of high rise buildings. Hong Kong may be a bit more colourful than the previous level, bit it's just as mind-numbingly boring. Not only is this the most tedious level yet, but it's also far longer than it has any right to be! It just goes on and on and on and on. The idea is that you've got to go to a specific rooftop for Pussy to pick you up from, but why does the building she picked have to be on the other side of town? Any old freakin' rooftop will do!

  Once that nightmare is over, you head over to Las Vegas where you've got to defend the OMEN in its casino hideout from Xenia Onatopp who is rumoured to be working for Dr. No. This level is only slightly less dull than the previous ones. The gameplay is unchanged but I'll give it credit for being the most visually interesting level in Rogue Agent. The places here look vibrant and alive. If only the other elements of the game were like that!

  It's not until the following level where we actually get to go toe-to-toe (or is that thigh-to-thigh?) against Xenia Onatopp in a boss fight atop Hoover Dam. The only problem is that it comes after about an hour of the worst level in the game: an unending series of similar, lifeless, grey, concrete rooms with generic enemies. (By the way, all the bad guys bleed bright blue blood. I guess it was to avoid an M rating?) You start the level at the bottom of one side of the dam, you go inside, fight your way to the top, cross it halfway whilst taking on dozens of tanks and helicopters, go back down to the bottom of the dam, retrieve the seismic bomb (your mission objective), climb back to the top again, and cross the other half. It is a brainless chore. This game is in serious need of some variety. Other Bond games had vehicle sections, turret sections, stealth sections, even on-rails sections. But in this level I was so fed up I found myself simply running past enemies in order to get to the end quicker.

  There's also a cutscene in which Oddjob betrays GoldenEye, but the rogue agent throws the henchman down a bottomless shaft. And that's the last we see of Oddjob. Why did he betray GoldenEye? Was he really working for Dr. No? Did Goldfinger order him to do it? Seriously, the game never explains it and it's never mentioned again. What a waste of a cool character! By this point I had stopped caring. The only thing motivating me to continue was to see what would happen to the characters and what movie references would be made next. If I weren't a 007 fan this game would've been in the garbage by now.

That's all I can take for now. Check in next week for part 2!

Retrospective Movie Review -- O.K. Connery (1967)

Normally I don't include posters for Retrospective Reviews, but how can one not appreciate the ridiculous amount of stuff they try jamming into this one. Half of the stuff on this poster doesn't even appear in the movie!

   James Bond returns to Anachronarchy... sort of. This week we're not really looking at a Bond film, but we kind of are. As promised, we're looking at 1967's O.K. Connery, also known as Operation Kid Brother and Operation Double 007. For those of you who don't know of this hidden “gem”, let me explain. It's an Italian spy action film starring Neil Connery (Sean Connery's younger brother) and a bunch of other Bond film actors which tries emulating the cool, thrilling adventures of 1960's Bond movies. But thanks to the insane script, lousy acting, and strange dialogue it didn't quite match the success of the real McCoy. But is it still worth watching? Let's find out!

   The film starts off with the evil Mr. Thayer (played by Adolfo Celi, who was Largo in Thunderball) aboard his sailboat lair surrounded by his crew of mostly hot chicks in midriff-baring sailor uniforms. He uses his remote controlled-car to blow up not-James Bond's plane as it lands while Agent Maxwell (Lois Maxwell of Ms. Moneypenny fame) watches helplessly. A badguy henchman disguised as a firefighter steals the dead agent's McGuffin. Thayer celebrates with a victory screw of one of his deck hands. Also, the disguised henchman (named Maya Rafis) is played Daniela Bianchi who played Tatiana Romanova in From Russia with Love. Say what you will about O.K. Connery, but you've got to admit, like any 007 film worth its vodka martini, it certainly has a lot going for it in the beautiful women department.

   I think it's also worth pointing out that this movie really overdoes it with the music. No matter how mundane the scene is – whether it's characters sitting and talking or a character walking from point A to point B – the music really turns up the bombast, trying to keep you on the edge of your seat at all times. It reminds me a lot of the 1960's Spider-Man cartoon, but turned up to 11 and with no breaks. Sometimes the songs played are just straight lifted from the actual Bond films. And sometimes the scoring even has two songs playing at once! Damn, talk about sensory overload.

   Anyways, next scene we get to see Neil Connery playing Dr. Neil Connery, brother of the now-dead agent from before, who's a famous plastic surgeon who can also hypnotize people and read lips (as explained in a couple awkward few lines that go on unnecessary tangents). He's showing off one of his recent patients, Yashuko (who just happens to be his late brother's girlfriend), to a bunch of doctors and reporters, but then somebody tries kidnapping her in plain view of the whole room (by walking up to her and picking her up). All of a sudden a brawl involving everyone in the room breaks out for some reason. Yeah, that's another thing about this film; crap goes down at the drop of a hat, so don't blink! Also, the fight choreography leaves much to be desired. The blows don't come anywhere close to connecting and there's even a few instances of footage being reused. So Dr. Connery uses his martial arts skills to break some faces (killing a dude in the process), but during the chaos Yashuko is kidnapped. Connery meets with Maxwell and her secret service boss Commander Cunningham, played by Bernard Lee, the guy who played M. Cunningham convinces Connery to do some spy work; Yashuko knew some important stuff and so she must be found and interrogated.

   It's then revealed that Thayer is the betamale at the evil secret organization THANATOS whose plan is to steal the world's gold reserves. The alphamale, played by Anthony Dawson (Dr. No, FrwL, Thunderball), engages in typical Blofeld-ish stuff like killing his underlings, albeit in an even more nonchalant manner while trying desperately to keep a straight face.

   Next up is a long scene where we learn that Connery is also a gifted archer as he takes part in an archery tournament. Ok... Nothing happens, everyone talks to eachother one after the other, Connery tries and fails to land some dates, and Cunningham again pressures him into doing more espionage/investigations, this time in Spain. Once there, Connery hypnotizes (and then tries hitting on) a bad guy hot chick named Mildred who's been following him around and she reveals that Yashuko is being held captive – and being tortured by colourful flashing lights – in a castle. Connery, Maxwell, and some agents storm the castle and rescue Yashuko. While under Connery's hypnosis, she partially reveals THANATOS's plan. Before she can get out all the info, Mildred shoots her dead much to the mild annoyance of Connery. Mildred is shot seconds later.

   The next scene is one of the most bizarre things I've ever seen in a movie. Maya Rafis and a busload of female assassins dressed as can-can dancers/leopards intercept and hijack an army truck containing an atomic nucleus, disguising the truck as a casino-themed parade float. At least that's best I can describe it. If Diamonds Are Forever were directed by a Turkish dude in the 80's it would only be half as strange as this. Right after that goofy craziness the movie abruptly changes to a more serious down-to-earth tone as THANATOS discusses its plan: to create a powerful magnetic weapon capable of neutralizing all electronics and machines throughout a whole continent. So it's kind of like Goldeneye, but without satellites. The secret service knows that Maya Rafis is in Tetuan, Morocco, and that there's some sort of factory staffed entirely by blind people (not suspicious at all). Connery reluctantly goes there to investigate.

   It's at this point that I gotta say, Connery – both the character and the actor – kind of gets the shaft in this film. The character really doesn't want to be a spy and is often coerced into doing it to avoid jail time. Cunningham's a jerk. The doctor just wants to go back to doing doctor stuff and scoring with the ladies. He tries many times to get with the girls but doesn't succeed until the film's end. As for Neil Connery himself, he gets dubbed over by a voice actor (who's pretty monotone thoughout) speaking with an American accent. During filming, Neil was recovering from throat surgery and apparently the production crew couldn't be bothered to either wait for their lead actor to be ready for filming nor find a voice actor with a Scottish accent. I guess all the preposterous skills – archery, lip-reading, hypnosis, martial arts, plastic surgery – were added to compensate?

   Once in Tetuan, Connery meets Maya who invites him to some sort of party at Thayer's palace. Here, Connery overhears (or rather over-lip reads) Thayer's plans on assassinating Alpha to become the new head of THANATOS and also to blow up his yacht with all of his female crew members on board, for some reason. He tells all this to Maya in an attempt to make her switch sides, but it doesn't work. The next day Connery disguises himself as a blind man to gain entrance to the factory only to discover that its employees are working unprotected with dangerous radioactive material. He quite easily convinces the staff to panic and run away – like I said, drop of a hat – but is discovered and captured before he can escape. Connery is taken to Thayer's yacht and forced to perform surgery on some guy. To make a long story short, it goes awry, chaos ensues, another silly brawl springs up, and Thayer escapes in his speedboat that comes out of a couch (as I'm sure most evil masterminds' boats do). Thayer makes it to THANATOS headquarters, kills off Alpha, and becomes the new leader.

   Connery and Maya – who is apparently now a good guy – track the uranium shipments to Switzerland. At the airport they meet up with his teammates on the Scottish national archery team, who are all ready to go with their uniforms on and their bows in hand straight off the plane... and they don't even know what they're doing there. I mean I've got some great friends whom I'm willing to lend a helping hand to, but if one of them asked me out of nowhere to travel halfway across the continent right away without telling me why I think I'd have my reservations. Also not one of these Scottish guys has a Scottish accent: a shameful display.

   At their castle hideout, THANATOS is putting the finishing touches on its magnet weapon while wearing silly red versions of the HYDRA uniforms from Captain America: First Avenger. The weapon is activated on the locals, rendering the good guys' cars and guns inoperable. Connery infiltrates the castle and is captured again, but uses hypnosis to trick a couple guards into fighting eachother By the way, Connery can now hypnotize people simply by staring into their eyes. Should we add mind control to his growing list of skills? Maya leads the archers on horseback to the castle to raise hell. A battle ensues between the US/Highlands Boy Scouts hunting club and the adult Flash Gordon fanboys. I'm not sure if those archers still have any idea as to what's going on, but apparently they're just OK with killing these random guys they don't know. Connery and Thayer partake in what's actually a not half-bad fight scene culminating in a decent Mexican standoff with bows. Connery kills Thayer with an arrow through the heart. The good guys make it out before the castle explodes (I don't remember why), destroying the magnet machine. I wonder, are the effects of an EMP reversible? Oh well, who cares? The day is saved!

   In the final scene we see that apparently Connery now gets to keep Thayer's yacht. Our movie ends with Connery hypnotizing Cunningham to get him to piss off while the good doctor goes on a pleasure cruise with Maya and his crew full of hot chicks. The end!

   As insane as this all sounds, believe me there's a bunch of other nutty things that I didn't even mention. There's a crazed screaming man who jumps through glass, ceiling-mounted machine guns (because you'll never know when you might need one of those), a dumb innkeeper who doesn't know how telephones work, a guy watching TV shows projected onto a naked chick's back, and an explosion which seems to go on forever.

   While O.K. Connery can boast of a respectable budget – the sets and costumes are alright, they got their money's worth – its editing and camerawork leaves much to be desired. There's plenty of shots in which one or more of the subjects is out of frame and there's even a few shots where the camera appears to wobble and shudder. (Though to be fair I did just watch this movie on YouTube, so maybe it was just that particular version.) You'll also see a few cheesy, overly dramatic zoom-ins à la Austin Powers. And just like the 1960's Bond films, O.K. Connery has lots of dubbing. But whereas the Bond flicks' dubbing was sparing and good, here it is everywhere and it is awful, making the whole lip-reading ability seem even sillier in retrospect. There's even one instance where I guess the sound editor forgot to dub one of Adolfo Celi's lines, so for about four seconds or so Thayer is Italian all of a sudden.

   And that's O.K. Connery, a hastily pasted together, sloppily written, mess of a movie that looks like it was written by Ian Fleming's bizarre, but well-meaning Italian half-brother who spent significant stretches of his life locked up in Dracula's attic. It's pretty weird and funny, in the way that only a foreigner who doesn't fully understand Western cinema could achieve. It's not quite The Room (2003) levels of hilarity, but it's still rather humourous. And luckily the film's two biggest shortcomings – its wooden lead actor and its absolutely ludicrous script – actually make this film even more watchable by adding to the whole camp factor. On the whole, O.K. Connery certainly isn't a good film but it does manage to entertain, mostly by accident. If you're like me and you enjoy weird crap that pokes lighthearted fun at stuff you like then you'll find O.K. Connery to be a fun waste of time.

Grade: one out of five

Top 20 Best Movies I've Ever Seen - Part 1

I love writing about movies, both from a critical and a personal perspective. Reviewing movies is a fun and engaging way to talk about and appraise both our culture's artistic expression and the worthiness of the various methods by which we entertain ourselves. There are some movies that do both those jobs so conspicuously well, that I think they are worth a mention. And so for the next two weeks or so I'm counting down the Top 20 Best Movies I've Ever Seen. The rules are simple, these films need to have been theatrically released and I need to have seen them. And just so you know, I'm going to try to judge this list as objectively as I can. So don't go thinking that this is the list of my top 20 favourite movies. That one will probably come later some time.

Honourable Mentions: Koyaanisqatsi (1982), Seven (1995), Der Untergang (2005), Sicario (2015)

20. A Christmas Carol (AKA Scrooge)(1951)

Ah, Christmas movies... Who doesn't love to kick back and watch a good X-mas flick every December? And this timeless gem is one I watch every year. Even though it may seem archaic by today's movie making standards, that only seems to add to the overall “old-ness” of the film's setting. The tone perfectly – albeit somewhat retroactively – complements the story and theme of this very much Industrial Era film. I remember reading the book A Christmas Carol in elementary school and upon rewatching this film afterwards, I saw just how faithful it was to Charles Dickens's original tale. And I believe the few changes that were made in the film were for the better. The scoring is classic, and it enhances the mood quite nicely. I find this most evident in the scenes depicting the Cratchit family. They'll get you right in the feelies, they will. And lastly, who could forget the fantastic performance of Alastair Sim as Ebenezer Scrooge? In all the iterations I've seen of this story, no one pulls off the transition from bitter, grumpy old man to jovial good guy better than Mr. Sim. If there's any one film that can brighten your cold winter day and put you in the Christmas spirit, then this is it, my friends.

19. Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World (2003)

I remember in my grade 7 drama class my teacher showed us this film, instructing us to pay extra attention to the acting, the choreography, the drama, and the story-telling. It was the first time I recall ever watching a movie with a critical eye. And Master and Commander was a fine film to learn from. Aside from being an engaging and epic thrill with edge-of-your-seat action scenes, it has some exceptional production design and interesting characters. I love how the movie balances its focused portrayal of Napoleonic naval warfare and the relationships between characters: in particular, Russel Crowe as Captain Jack Aubrey and his friend Dr. Stephen Maturin played by Paul Bettany. It's one of those films that achieves the perfect balance between story, action, and characterization. Huzzah!

18. The Revenant (2015)

Alejandro Inarritu's two most recent films – Birdman (2014) and The Revenant – have found widespread mainstream success. While the two aren't all that different in style, I believe that the Revenant is the superior of the two. This one has a more interesting setting and is just all-round more entertaining. I enjoy a good western every now and then and the Revenant has got to be the most visceral yet also the most beautiful of the ones I've seen. Each shot looks like a work of art. I've already written a review on this movie, so the only thing different I can say is try watching this movie alone some time. Take in the atmosphere, the spectacle. It's quite an experience.

17. Casino Royale (2006)

No, not the one with Woody Allen. This is the one with Texas Hold 'Em, son. If you're familiar with my blog then you probably already know that Casino Royale is my preferred Bond film. In fact I'd list it as a strong candidate for best action movie of this generation. It successfully mixes an intense, gritty (yet coherently edited, thank you) feel with the patented wit and style that Bond films are known for. I particularly love how the tone is set with the stylish opening scene and the brilliant opening credits set to hard rock music. The smart dialogue and shining performances – from the likes of Daniel Craig, Eva Green, Judi Dench, and Mads Mikkelsen – will pretty much obligate you to rewatch it again and again.

16. Interstellar (2014)

Christopher Nolan has made some pretty remarkable films over the past decade an a half, but this one must be his most fascinating. How can you not love a science fiction movie that takes itself so seriously, tries very hard to be scientifically plausible, and yet sets up fantastic new worlds to explore and dire problems to solve? This type of expressive imagination is the very stuff that movies were invented for, as early as 1902's La Voyage dans la Lune. Interstellar is one of those films in which everything seems to come together perfectly: the commendable acting, the seamless special effects, masterful directing, and of course the amazing Hans Zimmer soundtrack. By the time it's over, you may be surprised to find out that it's almost three hours long. Partly because it eschews most of the long philosophical debates of other Nolan films, and partly because it's so cool, Interstellar's viewers will experience a bit of time dilation themselves.

15. The Departed (2006)

For this entry I could simply recite the lyrics to King Missile's “Martin Scorsese”, but he really does make such excellent movies. In the Departed, you'll find a great crime thriller in which the tension just builds unrelentingly as the plot thickens again and again. Featuring first-rate performances from pretty much every one of the ensemble cast members (Matt Damon, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Jack Nicholson just to name a few), this film has the type of drama that you really care about without a doubt for any of the characters' intentions or motivations. As Scorsese himself has said, “This is the first movie I've done with a plot.” And that ending! The movie has a triple-twist ending in rapid succession, one that you won't see coming but will surely leave you satisfied. So get watchin'.

14. Das Leben der Anderen (AKA The Lives of Others) (2006)

I first saw Das Leben der Anderen in my Soviet Union history class a few years ago. I thought it was cool. For those of you who don't know, The Lives of Others is about a Stasi agent in 1984 who runs a surveillance operation on a suspected dissident playwright who increasingly makes the agent second guess his political and moral beliefs. Unlike most spy movies which are all about action and suspense, this one sticks to realism and is more focused on drama, making it a unique entry in the spy genre of films. Its gripping opening scene alone is enough to get you hooked for the next two hours. The historical accuracy of the film's setting and organizations is quite stunning, even going so far as to use real-life locations such as the former Stasi headquarters building. The Lives of Others also boasts terrific acting, a powerful visual style, brief moments of dark humour, clever subtlety (plot-wise), and one of the greatest and most touching endings to any movie I've ever seen. If you haven't heard of it, I would highly recommend checking it out.

13. No Country For Old Men (2007)

It seems that people love to sing the praises of the Coen Brothers' films, but for me they seem to be hit and miss. I liked The Big Lebowski (1998), but Hail, Caesar (2015) didn't do it and I just didn't get Fargo (1996). But No Country for Old Men is a film that I immediately understood. A modern neo-western thriller set in Texas in 1980, the film is loaded with deep themes typically found in most other Coen Brothers flicks. The narration, conspicuous absence of music, and impressive cinematography all work together to establish a powerful mood which is bleak and foreboding. Combine this with the standout performances of Tommy Lee Jones, Josh Brolin, and Javier Bardem and you've got an endlessly watchable gem of a film.

12. Full Metal Jacket (1987)

And here we have a Stanley Kubrick classic, one of my favourite films ever: Full Metal Jacket. What can I say about this film that hasn't already been said? It's a Vietnam War film in the style of both a drama and a black satire with loads of irony. It's comparable to Kubrick's earlier work, Dr. Stangelove (1964), but much more harsh and violent. In this film he explores the psychological effects of militarism and warfare on the individual. Full Metal Jacket depicts warfare as a grotesque machine infused with sexual frustration and child-like naivete, ultimately making it insane, much like some of its participants as portrayed here by Vincent D'Onofrio. The film's other performances are excellent, especially Lee Ermey as the foul-mouthed GySgt Hartman. It may not be the most original war movie ever made, but it sure looks pretty with Kubrick's trademark direction and it has by far the most gripping boot camp scenes of any war movie.

11. Zodiac (2007)

David Fincher is my favourite director. He has made a bunch of great movies, but if I had to pick just one as his very best it would be Zodiac. It's the first of his films that really feels complete, where his methods and style have fully matured (digital cameras, practical lighting, etc.). This is evident when you compare the film to Fincher's first serial killer movie Seven (1995), which is still really good by the way. Here Fincher uses his distinctive visual style to emphasize both the paranoia and anxiety that gripped the San Francisco bay area during the Zodiac Killer's reign of terror and also to portray the passing of time as the case frustratingly drags on and on. I actually have read the book this movie is based on and from what I recall this film is extremely faithful to its source material. It sticks to the real-life facts and accounts, even those that contradicted each other, the main source of frustration to our main characters played handily by Mark Ruffalo, Robert Downey Jr., and Jake Gyllenhaal. Lastly, Zodiac's display of highly detailed set design and seamless CG backgrounds make for an extremely accurate and convincing period drama. Overall, Zodiac is a film whose tone and subject matter perfectly matches its director's artistic sensibilities. A true masterpiece.

Stay tuned next week for the top 10!

Alternate James Bond Continuity Theories

As I mentioned last week, fans of the James Bond 007 series are pretty dedicated and creative, enough to come up with such fan theories as the Code Name Theory. As promised, I'm going to go over some other 007 chronology theories today: not because I think any of them are valid, but because they seem rather interesting and fun. Let's take a look.

The Dual Timelines Theory

   One theory I've heard is that the ending to On Her Majesty's Secret Service spawned two separate alternate universes. The first splits directly into the Roger Moore era, in which Bond was able to keep his rage and anguish from losing Tracey under control. That's why the James Bond of the Roger Moore era is so lighthearted and pleasant; it's his way of coping with it. Once he finally, and rather luckily, got his revenge on Blofeld in the opening of For Your Eyes Only, he found true closure and happily continued a few more years until his retirement after A View to a Kill.

   The alternate timeline picks up at The Living Daylights. In this version Tracey's death led to Bond being consumed with anger and the drive for revenge. This accounts for why Timothy Dalton's Bond is so ruthless and intense. This timeline continues to the end of the Brosnan era. (The Daniel Craig era is presumably a different universe altogether.)

   This is a pretty interesting theory. The only problem though is that it doesn't account for the events of Diamonds Are Forever. Which timeline does that one belong to, if any?

Tying Up Loose Ends

   Another theory I've heard is that James Bond is indeed a codename passed down successively through agents, but each new 007 appointee is given a file detailing their predecessor's activities. This is so that each new agent can tie up the loose ends of his predecessor. This explains why Connery's Bond is so obsessed with finding Blofeld in Diamonds Are Forever. Perhaps Lazenby's Bond just couldn't handle seeing his wife killed and quit the service, thus forcing Connery to return from extended leave to finish this one last mission. This explains why Blofeld doesn't recognize Bond in OHMSS. Also according to this theory, Lazenby's Bond wasn't reminiscing over the gadgets in his office; he was wondering what they were. He hadn't been agent 007 for long, so it may be possible that he hadn't fully cleaned out Connery's junk from his office yet.

   As for Blofeld, one could argue that that name is also passed down along to the next highest ranking Spectre agent: number two, number three, etc.

   While this is a pretty creative idea, it's a bit too convoluted to take seriously. I'd like to think that both Bond and Blofeld are the same guys they've always been.

The Spirit of Bond

   I've seen a couple comments saying that Bond's character is always the same, it's just that his consciousness switches bodies...OK. So 007's spirit floats around and possesses the bodies of already-grown men after leaving the body it's possessed for the past decade or so? Then whose consciousness was it originally? Is that man still alive? Is it Ian Fleming's? Is each host's body already an MI6 agent? What happens to the host body after the spirit leaves? Did it possess Connery twice then? This is just weird.

Daniel Craig's Bond is Connery Bond's Son

   Think about it, man. In real life Craig was born in 1968, when Bondmania was at its height. Perhaps Craig's Bond is the illegitimate son of Connery's Bond, named after his father. He then grew up wanting nothing more than to be a spy. His lifelong training is what allowed him to develop such marvelous skills. Under the watchful eye of Judi Dench's M he is swiftly promoted to 00 status, leading to his cocky attitude in Casino Royale. It makes perfect sense, right? After all, both characters are Scottish! Yes, this is just some crap I cooked up. You got me.

James Bond is a Time Lord

   Yeah, heh heh heh heh heh. No! If you've ever browsed any sort of comments section talking about the Code Name Theory then you've probably seen this joke about 10,000 times. And no, it doesn't get any funnier the 10,001^st time. Also, I'm not from the UK; I couldn't care less about Doctor Who. So I've got a better idea...

James Bond is an Immortal à la Highlander

   It's brilliant, isn't it? The only downside is that he's only ever been in one sword fight (Die Another Day). Future movies should have a long-haired Bond get in epic swordfights and slicing dudes' freaking heads off while hard rock music blasts. I wanna see more of that in the sequels!