Sometimes internet
culture is like you when you were a little kid. You know, when you
said something that the adults unexpectedly found funny so you
repeated that same thing over and over again expecting the same
hilarious result when in fact you were really making everyone sick of
you. Case in point: OH MY GOSH GUYS, DIE HARD IS TOTALLY A CHRISTMAS
MOVIE!!!!!!! AMIRITE? LOL FTW YOLO DOUBLE RAINBOW 360 NOSCOPE ROFL
COPTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so sick and tired
of people making the joke that Die Hard (1988) – a violent
action movie that is not exactly festive in the traditional sense –
is a legit Christmas movie simply because it takes place around 25
December, features a couple holiday songs, and has a handful of
seasons greetings in it. It's an overdone joke that I've been hearing
for at least eight years now and I'm simply tired of it, you know?
(Just for the record,
I'm not hating on Die Hard. I thoroughly enjoy it and think
it's one of the greatest action movies ever made. This is all just
for fun.)
But I guess that if a
few nods to Jesus' birthday and the festivities surrounding it is all
you need to qualify as a Christmas movie then screw it, I guess Die
Hard is a Christmas movie then. But you know what? Two can play
at this game! This is my list of top ten other films that qualify as
Christmas movies.
- American Sniper (2014)
What? What are you
talking about? American Sniper is totally a Christmas movie!
There was that one scene where Chris Kyle is watching war footage of
US soldiers getting shot in Iraq as he sits next to a Christmas tree
in his living room. It demonstrates Chris' trouble with leaving the
war behind and focusing on his family even during a holiday season on
which families traditionally get together in peace. Chris sees his
comrades in the military as his second family which he wishes to
protect and thus he can't get the war out of his mind. And nothing
says “Merry Christmas” like combat-induced stress in veterans,
right?
- Stalingrad (1993)
Stalingrad is a
German war film about a platoon of Wehrmacht soldiers
participating in the epic Battle of Stalingrad (1942-3). It is also
unquestionably a Christmas movie. There's one scene set in late
December where the situation for the Germans isn't looking good. The
Red Army has them encircled, supplies are running low, and a breakout
seems less and less likely with each passing day. The main characters
have been sentenced to a penal company and are off to take part in a
suicide mission. As they ride in the back of a freezing cold truck
one of them spontaneously sings “O Tannenbaum” (or “Oh
Christmas Tree” as it's known in English). As if that wasn't
Christmassy enough, just look at all the snow that envelops
three-quarters of this movie. Need I say more?
- Miracle (2004)
You remember Miracle?
It was one of the best hockey movies ever made and it's also a pretty
darn good Christmas movie. During a brief holiday break from Olympic
training camp the US hockey players take part in a gift exchange. I
don't know about you but my holiday season isn't complete until I see
Dave Silk being given a pair of silk underpants.
- Jarhead (2005)
It turns out that it
wasn't the waiting, the boredom, the heat, the sand, the thought of
his girlfriend at home cheating on him, or his being denied the
killing he was meticulously trained to do that drove Lance Corporal
Anthony Swofford to have a mental breakdown. It was the fact that he
missed out on Christmas 1990 with his family, of course! The closest
he got was getting drunk and dancing naked wearing nothing but a
Santa hat and even that got ruined by clumsy Fergus falling asleep on
the job. Way to go Fergus, you ruined Christmas in Kuwait!
- On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969)
I honestly don't know
why people pick Die Hard as the definitive faux-Xmas flick
over OHMSS. This one's got it all: a wintery Swiss setting chock full
of winter sports, loads of Christmas decorations, and a gift exchange
scene involving beautiful young ladies being hypnotized into
committing acts of biological warfare. Does Die Hard have
those things? Nuh uh. Does Die Hard have Ernst Stavro Blofeld
saying “Merry Christmas, 007”? Didn't think so. Sure, in Die
Hard John McLane and Holly get back together at the end but do
they get married like Bond and Tracey did in OHMSS? No they don't. I
rest my case.
- The Godfather (1972)
The Godfather is
often cited as one of the best movies ever made. It is also one of
the best Christmas movies ever made and here's why. There's not one
but two scenes showing characters shopping for Xmas presents. Michael
and Kay are having a fun time shopping for their friends and Tom
Hagen gets kidnapped by Sollozzo the Turk while shopping for his
kids. What a nice way to spend the holidays.
- The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (2011)
You know I'll talk
about this movie any chance I get. That's because TGWTDT is one of my
favourite movies ever – and if we're going by Die Hard rules
then it counts as my favourite Christmas movie of all time. In fact
it's so Christmassy that it has Christmas in it twice! That's right,
Xmas appears near the film's beginning – Blomkvist is at a
Christmas party and Lisbeth gives a gift to her ward only to find
that he's had a stroke – and again at the very end when Lisbeth
gets a gift for her crush Blomkvist only to find that he's a man
whore. Yeah, late December doesn't seem to work out well for Lisbeth
Salander.
- Batman Returns (1992)
Well, damn. Here I was
going to make a big tongue-in-cheek thing about how Batman Returns
is totally a Christmas movie – what with tons of decorations,
trees, snow, and holiday greetings – but Wikipedia of all people
beat me to it. Of course the joke was that Batman Returns is a
somewhat dark movie with disturbing visuals and insane characters set
against a backdrop of the most peaceful and joyous of holidays. But
Wiki-freakin'-pedia already has it in their Christmas movies
category. You know you've failed at comedy when an online
encyclopedia beats you to the punch. Oh well, speaking of Batman...
- The Dark Knight (2008)
There's a scene where
one of Joker's crazy henchman says all the voices in him were
replaced with lights “like Christmas”. 'Nuff said.
- Jingle All the Way (1996)
You probably didn't
know this but Jingle All the Way is actually a Christmas
movie. Even though it clearly wasn't meant to be. It couldn't have
been. There's no way that's what they were going for with this film.
In truth Jingle All the Way was intended as a black comedy, a
satire depicting the over-commercialization of North American society
and how rampant consumerism has driven us all mad to the point of
greed, violence, and theft. The film's “happy ending” is simply
some greedy kid being given some plastic toy he covets. Materialism
brings everyone together, I guess. But if you look closely you can
see some subtle Christmas flavour sprinkled about. For example, in
some scenes you can catch a glimpse of some Christmas decorations.
And did you know the reason people are buying so much stuff in this
movie is because 25 December is approaching? And lastly, if you look
closely enough you might just see Santa Claus in there somewhere. The
only downside is that in order to spot any of this you have to pay
attention to the movie, which I wouldn't recommend.
