My Thoughts on the Star Wars Sequel Trilogy (2015-19)

(Warning: this article contains SPOILERS for Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker.)

  At an end, the Sequel Trilogy is. And not short enough, it was.

  Star Wars is perhaps the most beloved fictional property of the past 40+ years and while only time will tell if Episodes VII, VIII, and IX are the last films we'll see in this franchise (I kind of doubt it) we'll at least be left with these recent three to contemplate for the foreseeable future. So I'd like to take this opportunity to discuss my thoughts on the Star Wars Sequel Trilogy (2015-19).

  But first let me give you a little background on my personal history with Star Wars movies. In the 1990's I grew up in the lingering cultural wake of the original films. Without having watched the Original Trilogy I already knew the main characters, some of the lore, and the basic gist of the story. And then The Phantom Menace came out and just like that the whole world was awash in hype, nostalgia, and toys; my brothers and I had so many Star Wars toys we didn't know what to do with them all. We all thought Episode I was awesome and we watched it dozens of times on VHS. When Attack of the Clones came out I was conflicted; I liked the world-building and the stories it told but I thought the film itself was mostly boring. In spite of this, I was hyped for Episode III and when it came out I was not disappointed. Revenge of the Sith completely blew me away and from that moment on I was hooked on Star Wars. I read dozens of Star Wars novels, played every video game I could get my hands on, and of course I went back and finally watched the Original Trilogy which I found easy to admire. Sure, my opinions on various Star Wars movies have changed over time – see articles published July 2017 – but what hasn't changed is my fondness for the series as a whole.

  And then I heard that a whole new trilogy was being made. I was skeptical at first – Hollywood has a well-deserved reputation for doing ill-advised things just because it can – but when I heard that talented people were being put in charge (not to mention that the special effects would be as practical as possible) I kept an open mind and saw the series' latest entry on opening night.

The Force Awakens

  Since that night in December 2015 I've rewatched The Force Awakens only once. That pretty much sums up how I feel about it: it was only once, but I did want to rewatch it. The review I wrote for it ended in a four-out-of-five score which in retrospect seems rather generous. Maybe I was caught up in the hype or I was so relieved that it wasn't a bad movie. Episode VII was and still is respectable. The action is thrilling enough, Kylo Ren was a decent villain (even if his temper tantrums made him hard to take seriously at times), and the music was well done. But on the other hand most of the new characters didn't have much going for them, the effects were mostly CGI just like every other movie these days, and the world-building is lacking; there's not much to fill audiences in on what's happened to the galaxy since Return of the Jedi. What is the First Order and where did it come from? Who is Snoke and where did he come from? Does the New Republic rule the whole galaxy or does it share it with the First Order? Is the New Republic at war with the First Order? If so then why is it making a Resistance movement fight them? Why did it allow the First Order to make the superweapon, Starkiller Base?

  What bothered me more than Episode VII's lack of background was the fact that 90% of the movie is simply a remake of A New Hope; the plot is more or less the same, even a bunch of the scenes are similar. Regardless, I was willing to forgive most of these shortcomings at the time. Cramming in all the details and interesting arcs of a trilogy into the first film is a tall order. The filmmakers will have more freedom next time for crafting a truly great Star Wars film with Episode VIII, right?

The Last Jedi

  Oh, I'm afraid the suckage was quite operational when my friends and I arrived at the cinemas in December 2017. The Last Jedi was both a transparent ripoff of The Empire Strikes Back and also a heavily Disney-fied snoozefest. It's bad enough that the film was loaded with cutesy humour, little details explained in very dumbed-down terms, and a not-so-subtle political slant (a whole subplot about war profiteering and animal rights in a Star Wars film? Really?) but could they have bothered to make the premise exciting? The film is about the Resistance leadership – which many characters now refer to as “the Rebels” – in a handful of ships on the run from a First Order fleet. Why can't the Resistance ships hyperspace jump away? Because this. Why don't the First Order ships open fire on them? Because that. Why doesn't the First Order fleet attack with bombers and more than just a handful of fighters? Because this. Why don't the First Order ships make a small hyperspace jump to close the distance between the two fleets? Because they lack imagination. Why doesn't (sigh) vice admiral Holdo tell her officers her plan for escape? Because that. This isn't a plot that's fun or exciting. This is a plot made up of excuses! Sure, the majority of Episode V was about trying to escape an Imperial fleet too but it involved a variety of neat tactics and manoeuvres that made you appreciate the ingenuity of the main characters. The other half of The Last Jedi has Finn and some boring chick named Rose go and find a hacker who can help the Resistance in their flight from the First Order fleet, and this whole subplot – I'd say at least 35 minutes of the film – leads nowhere and is pointless.

  As for the rest of the film, what isn't lazily ripping off Episode V is basically turning everything upside down and discarding all the new trilogy's intriguing possibilities that could've developed further. Luke Skywalker is a sad loser who scarcely resembles the optimistic Jedi he was at the end of Episode VI. Snoke is killed off before we've learned much of anything about him. Princess Leia is now Superman apparently. Captain Phasma is killed off unceremoniously; they said she would be this trilogy's Boba Fett which she indeed turned out to be... in the most disappointing way. Also, hyperspace jumping one capital ship into another can apparently destroy half a fleet: so why haven't we seen this done in Star Wars before or since? It sure looked cool and it sounds to me like a way more effective attack than going through the trouble of building a superweapon (that will inevitably be destroyed).

  So yeah, The Last Jedi pissed a lot of people off, and I was one of them; I've not rewatched it since nor do I particularly want to. At this point I was starting to lose hope in this franchise and my expectations for part three weren't great. I knew I was going to watch Episode IX not out of a sense of anticipation, but rather a sense of obligation. The only thing about the marketing that intrigued me was that Palpatine was back – now that got my attention.

The Rise of Skywalker

  According to The Rise of Skywalker's opening text crawl, a message from Palpatine was broadcast across the galaxy and everybody is scrambling to find its source. Now let me ask: why was this world-shaking event relegated to the opening text? Imagine how cool it would have been to see everyone's reaction upon hearing a surprise message from the Emperor, a powerful and evil Sith who's been thought to be dead for the past 30 or so years! That would've made for one hell of a cliffhanger ending for The Last Jedi, wouldn't you say?

  Now you're not going to believe me, but get a load of this: Episode IX is an approximate remake of Episode VI. The laziness – err, I mean pattern continues and it makes the film kind of predictable. We see an evil empire armed with planet-exploding weapons headed by Palpatine who is confronted face to face with a lone Jedi who is aided by a former Sith who sacrifices himself. The only thing missing is the Ewoks... oh wait, never mind. There actually are Ewoks in Episode IX. In fact there are a ton of little incidental things you may remember from other, more creative Star Wars movies because the best that this one has to offer is an overabundance of fan service, cameos, and rehashed dialogue.

  What The Rise of Skywalker does bring to the table is a bunch of fake-out deaths, a rather dull explanation for Snoke, and a brand new giant fleet of Star Destroyers called the Final Order that Palpatine has been building in secret. The only downside is that this Final Order fleet doesn't really do anything, has a massive weakness, and is defeated easily as it floats helplessly in one spot. It makes me wonder if this fleet is even staffed by living people or just remote controlled. Are the personnel of its command ship clones? Where did they come from? Also, remember the whole Finn-might-be-in-love-with-Rey subplot? It's left unresolved, totally abandoned even though it was hinted at in all three films. What they did remember to tell us is Rey's origin: turns out she's Palpatine's paternal granddaughter. This raises several questions, such as who is Rey's dad then? And when/with whom was Palpatine bumping uglies? Who was he R2-Doing and when did he Darth Invader?

  I will say that The Rise of Skywalker is a better movie than The Last Jedi. It shares all the things I liked about the latter film – the fights, the effects, Kylo Ren, the music – and it has less of the things I hated like the childish humour, heavy-handed liberal politics, and boring plot lines. But it seems like it was written as a damage-control type of film meant to undo the mistakes of the previous two. As a result there's a lot of stuff that happens in just Episode IX, suggesting that this trilogy wasn't plotted out in advance as a smoothly flowing and proper story arc like the other two trilogies were. If you wanted to get the gist, the bare-bones story of the Sequel Trilogy you could arguably skip Episodes VII and VIII and be fine with watching IX on its own.

Conclusion

  Just to be clear, I don't think the Sequel Trilogy films are bad per se. They're an OK-to-average bunch of films that I kind of despise. It really says something when one of the only characters I sympathize with was Chewbacca; even though the poor fella can't talk I felt bad that he has to watch his old friends die over and over again. Luke and Han were brought back only to turn out as grumpy old losers. I thought the main character, Rey, was flat and uninteresting and most of the other new characters weren't much better.

  If you couldn't tell already, one of this trilogy's biggest flaws is the stunning lack of imagination on the part of both the writers and the artists involved. We should have been given a more detailed explanation of what the galaxy was like in the 30 years following Episode VI. There should have been superweapons that do something else besides blowing up a planet. The Final Order fleet should have fought back. Star fleets shouldn't still be using TIE fighters and X-wings. (Though to be fair the TIE fighters in Episode IX now have hyperspace drives, which they didn't before. That's something, I guess.) And we shouldn't be seeing battles and plots we've seen before. This is Star Wars, dangit, the series that takes place a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Get creative with it!

  But perhaps my biggest gripe with the Sequel Trilogy is that it diminishes the events and characters of the previous films. The first six episodes cover the life of Anakin Skywalker, his origin, his rise to power, his turn to the dark side, and ultimately his redemption. With his death he fulfilled his destiny as the Chosen One and destroyed the Sith once and for all. But with these new films, I guess none of that mattered. Anakin wasn't the Chosen One after all. It's stuff like this that makes we wish the Sequel Trilogy never happened.

  But at the end of the day, I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed. No, my childhood isn't ruined by these new films. My childhood is in the past, therefore nothing can ruin it. To me, Star Wars is a series that never needed more than six parts and that's how I'll choose to remember it: the series that concluded with an Ewok festival on Endor.

Movie Review -- 1917

  Now this is how you start off a new year! Historical films about wars have always intrigued me and I'm pleased to see people are increasingly interested in the First World War. But a First World War movie directed by Sam Mendes, the same guy who made Jarhead and Skyfall? Sign me up, Sarge! Let's bust some caps at those Huns!

  1917 takes place on the Western Front and focuses on two British soldiers, Lance Corporals Schofield (George McKay) and Blake (Dean-Charles Chapman) who are tasked with relaying a message across occupied territory to a cutoff unit: that they're walking into a German trap. And so the two men are in a race against time to warn the oblivious battalion before it – along with Blake's brother – is wiped out. It's a movie reminiscent of both Saving Private Ryan – due to a comparable plot and up-close action – and '71 with its survival-against-all-odds motif. (Dude, if I wrote an article comparing those two movies it would be called '17 vs. '71. Neat, huh?) The story takes you places with some really tense moments, grim moments, and sad moments. There are a lot things that happen in 1917 but the pacing is excellent and things never seem as if they're being rushed along. I found 1917 to be a film that feels longer than it really is, but I mean that in a good way: by the time it winds down you'll have the impression that you've truly been on an adventure.

  This is given a huge boost by the film's immersive cinematography by the great Roger Deacons. I can't think of another movie that deserves the all-in-one-shot treatment more than 1917. If you've ever wanted to see WWI trench warfare up close then you need to see this film. A lot of the time it seems as if you're there yourself; the camera stays at ground level and never strays too far from the main characters. Along the way you'll end up seeing these scarred, barb wire-strewn battlefields just as our lads did more than one hundred years ago, complete with their filthy conditions and gruesome wreckage as rendered by the meticulous and highly detailed set design. It all lends an air of authenticity to the whole picture.

  This authenticity is upheld by the talented cast of all-British actors, with lesser-known ones portraying Blake and Schofield. The big-name cameos are fleeting and don't distract from the story you're watching. Tom Arnold does a fine job with the film's score, giving scenes a gloomy yet restless feel to them.

  It's funny: whenever I see a truly great film my review of it ends up being a short one. But what else can one say about a technical masterpiece of cinema like 1917? It plays on a level of immersive realism that I've scarcely seen before and is the best war movie since 2017's Dunkirk. In fact it might just be a bit better. Well done, Mr. Mendes.

Grade:

2019 Year in Review

Well folks, another year is in the books; another decade, in fact. Now I've only been reviewing movies since 2011 and since I've recently published top 10 lists on Arnold's Benediction of best and worst movies I've ever reviewed (in April and June of 2019 respectively) one could basically assume that those are my top 10 lists for reviewed films of the 2010's – with a couple exceptions as you'll see in a moment. And so today we'll ignore the past decade of films and look just at what I saw in 2019.

Movie-wise 2019 was more interesting than the previous year; in the past twelve months I saw 14 films in theatres and they earned an average of 3.2 stars each. Whereas the 2018 films (average 3.4 stars) I saw were either average or lacking in surprise, a bunch of the 2019 ones I saw were more unique and risky. That made this Year in Review article way easier to write than last time, which hopefully makes it more interesting for you to read. So without further ado, let's reminisce about the past year of movies.

Best Movie: Once Upon a Time in Hollywood

It was close but I decided to give this award to Quentin Tarantino's love letter to latter-day Golden Age Hollywood. OUATIH is a long, slow-paced movie but it rewards those who can appreciate its atmosphere and setting which was crafted with such a fine attention to detail that you may as well be watching a live-action late-1960's time capsule. There's a lot of fun to be had in watching Leonardo DiCaprio's and Brad Pitt's characters make their way through the sometimes-absurd world of show business, partially because the absurdity is often of their own making! Mixing these lively fictional characters in with real-life events during a tumultuous period of US history and having it all directed by a famously unorthodox filmmaker is, in this case, a recipe for true greatness. And yes, the ending is totally worth the wait.

Runner-up: Joker

Worst Movie: Cats

No contest here: Cats is by far the worst film I saw in 2019. When general film-making elements such as editing, camerawork, and sound balancing aren't done right you know you're dealing with some shoddy work. And that's before you lay your eyes upon the disgusting, quasi-feline monstrosities that barely look, move, or behave like the animals they're supposed to represent! Needless to say, if you don't like the musical genre – like me – then Cats certainly won't win you over. And even if you do you won't be too pleased at the inconsistent singing quality, the difficulty in discerning the lyrics, and the sub-par acting.

But is Cats the worst movie of the 2010's? No, that distinction still belongs to the movie that took the #1 spot on my Top 10 Worst Movies I've Ever Reviewed. I won't name it here but that film is way more boring and irritating, and is almost one hour longer.

Runner-up: (none)

Most Disappointing Movie: Star Wars Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker

I hate to do this but for the second time a Star Wars movie is my most disappointing film of the year. I hesitated at choosing The Rise of Skywalker to fill this spot since my expectations for it were not great – thanks to Solo (2018) and The Last Jedi (2017) – but gosh darnit this is Star Wars! I've been a Star Wars fan most of my life and to have this many mediocre films come out so rapidly is a tough pill to swallow (I mean at least Attack of the Clones was only one lousy film, not three!). Episode IX continues the Sequel Trilogy trend of remaking the Original Trilogy films one by one, but innovates in the overly-technical department with plenty of MacGuffins and an unnecessary amount of locations to make you start tuning things out. There are a bunch of plot threads that go nowhere and several plot elements and characters that are criminally under-utilized. In fact, there's so much that could've been done better that I'm planning on writing a separate article on the shortcomings of episodes 7, 8, and 9 that includes spoilers. To conclude, The Rise of Skywalker is better than The Last Jedi – in fact, it's not that bad in general. However it is a fittingly so-so capstone to a trilogy that I kind of wish never happened.

Runner up: Midway

Movie Review -- Cats

  And now for something completely different. Musicals aren't normally my bag but after hearing all the criticism going around about Cats I knew I had to check it out. Plus I had nothing better to do last Friday night. So is Cats a worthwhile means of passing the time? Let's take a look...

  And let's never take another look again. The felines in this movie look freakin' disgusting! If you haven't seen them then let me explain: they have human hands, feet, proportions, faces, limbs, fingers, and toes. Really the only cat-like things to them are the ears, whiskers, tails, and fur. So basically the cats just look like pygmies in really lazily slapped together cat costumes (if you've got fetishes then you'll really like this movie). Except they aren't even really that: the “costumes” are really just CG effects, and not very good CG at that. The computer generated effects are about on par with Monsters, Inc. which was 18 years ago. The actors' faces are very sloppily pasted on to the motion-captured digital bodies whose feet don't seem to be interacting with the ground properly (just watch their feet as they walk, you'll know what I mean). And last but not least, the four-legged freaks don't even land on their feet half the time.

  So who are these weirdos exactly? The main character Victoria is played by ballerina Francesca Hayward in her film debut which mostly consists of her not saying much for long stretches at a time while keeping that same dumbfounded facial expression throughout the film. The rest of the cast boasts some rather big names but there's two that really stand out for me. The first is Judi Dench as Old Deuteronomy because (a) she can't sing to save her life and (b) she's easily the most bizarre and creepy-looking creature in the whole film. The other notable character is Gus played by Ian McKellen who gives off this whole oblivious-grandpa-who-is-still-having-a-good-time vibe. Pretty much everything he says and does is hilarious and he's easily one of the best parts of the film.

  I guess I should mention the plot. It follows the recently abandoned Victoria as she's introduced to the world of the Jellicle Cats, a gang of stray cats in London who occasionally take part in a song and dance competition with the hopes of being reincarnated. It's a plot that's rather thin and goes off on a lot of tangents for the sake of giving the audience more songs to listen to. Some of the songs are alright, like the one about cat burglars that steal things from peoples' homes. Also Taylor Swift is here for about four minutes and her song is pretty good too – even though her English accent isn't quite up to par. However most of the songs are just “meh” – a lot of them have choruses/verses that are repeated too much – while the silly 1970's synthesizer filler music sounds weirdly out of place. And the whole movie is capped off by a fourth wall-breaking scene that takes forever to end.

  Cats's directing is a real letdown. There are a few nice-looking compositions, but most of the dance scenes are ruined by an overly-shaky handheld camera that makes it hard to see the choreography. Things don't get much better in the editing room. There's a ton of awkward cutting to random characters' faces during singing parts as if the movie is unsure of who the audience is supposed to look at. As if that wasn't bad enough, the sound balancing is inconsistent. Sometimes the lyrics are impossible to make out during choruses while some other songs sometimes have the music drowning out the singer's voice. This movie is a mess!

  And that's about all I can stand to say about Cats, a gross-looking, poorly-directed, sloppily-edited excuse for a movie. The only things that save this film from being utter trash is Ian McKellen and a couple decent songs. I don't want to be too harsh on Cats because, as mentioned before, musicals aren't really my thing. But that doesn't change the fact that Cats is one of the worst movies I've seen this decade.

Grade:

Movie Review -- Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker

  Another year, another Star Wars movie. Today I'm reviewing Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker, the last of the new sequel trilogy. After the double disappointments that were 2017's The Last Jedi and 2018's Solo can this latest entry redeem the current generation of this epic space fantasy series?

  Short answer: too little, too late.

  Taking place a few months after The Last Jedi, The Rise of Skywalker has both Resistance and First Order fighters searching for wayfinders that may lead to the origin of a mysterious broadcast from the not-so-dead Emperor Palpatine (this ain't no spoiler; he was in the trailer), who seeks to reestablish his Galactic Empire under Sith rule. This leads to... honestly there's an ass-load of stuff that happens throughout this movie. The riveting early scene introducing Palpatine notwithstanding, the first half of this film jumps around a lot with action scene after action scene, one right after the other. We're shown so many locations and so many MacGuffins that I couldn't help but tune out the finer technical details of things as the film ground on.

Remember what I said about TFA and TLJ, how they're remakes of the original trilogy films? TROS is no exception, a quasi-ripoff/remake of Return of the Jedi, especially in the last act. Here we get to see the return of:

• a planet-exploding weapon (What is this? The fourth time now?!),
• a jedi returning to an old master's retreat to do some more training,
• Lando and Chewbacca spearheading the attack in the Millennium Falcon during the final battle, and
• a jedi going alone to confront the bad guy leader as he eggs him (or in this case, her) on to kill somebody.
• (Trust me there are far more similarities that I can't mention without spoilers.)

  Return of the Jedi coincidences aside, The Rise of Skywalker's plot is very up and down. We learn the origin story of both Rey – which is pretty neat – and Snoke – which is totally lame. What's also lame is that the main characters are pretty much invincible; their ability to survive landspeeder crashes without a scratch, raid/board a star destroyer with only a handful of guys, and blast through a whole platoon of stormtroopers without even having to stop and take cover robs many of the action scenes of tension. There's one subplot that was established back in Episode VII that Rise of Skywalker hints at resolving but by the film's end this plot thread is still left hanging. Did the writers simply forget about it? I guess they were too busy working on the really disappointing and predictable ending and the half-dozen or so “what the hell” moments that occur in the film's last five minutes.

  The characters are about the same calibre as the previous two films: Rey is as to-the-point and lacking in personality as ever while Kylo Ren continues to be the best and most interesting character in the whole trilogy. While he's just as conflicted as he was before this time he's without a master and seeing him act with more agency – especially in relation to Rey – is a treat thanks to a focused performance from Adam Driver. John Boyega is around to shout Rey's name a whole lot. And of course it's always a delight to see Ian McDiarmid play the role of Emperor Palpatine once again. There's also Carrie Fisher back as Princess Leia one last time via unused footage from Episode VII; as you can imagine this doesn't make storytelling easy with her character so it's a good thing Maz Kanata (the goggles chick) follows her around and (apparently) reads her mind.

  As with other recent Star Wars films, Rise of Skywalker is a very well-produced film. The effects look great (better than the last two), the compositions are splendid, the music is top-notch, and the fight choreography is precise. In short, it's a nice-looking and nice-sounding film. The tone is somewhat more balanced than last time: there's slightly fewer cute critters to make the kids laugh. Some of the jokes are quite funny while some are simply bizarre and gratuitous.

  And that's Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker. I may have been a bit harsh on it, but the fact is that I don't hate this movie. Most of it is OK, that is until you get to the disappointing ending. It's a finely-crafted film and I believe that the only lazy thing to it was the writing. This movie remains trapped in familiar territory and simply doesn't bring anything new to the series – which is my main complaint about the sequel trilogy as a whole. But in case you're wondering, yes The Rise of Skywalker is better than The Last Jedi. But that's not saying much.

  Still, if you've ever wanted a Star Wars movie in which someone says the word “ass” then this is the one for you!

Grade:

Screw Die Hard: Top 10 Christmas Movies You Didn't Know Were Christmas Movies

Sometimes internet culture is like you when you were a little kid. You know, when you said something that the adults unexpectedly found funny so you repeated that same thing over and over again expecting the same hilarious result when in fact you were really making everyone sick of you. Case in point: OH MY GOSH GUYS, DIE HARD IS TOTALLY A CHRISTMAS MOVIE!!!!!!! AMIRITE? LOL FTW YOLO DOUBLE RAINBOW 360 NOSCOPE ROFL COPTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so sick and tired of people making the joke that Die Hard (1988) – a violent action movie that is not exactly festive in the traditional sense – is a legit Christmas movie simply because it takes place around 25 December, features a couple holiday songs, and has a handful of seasons greetings in it. It's an overdone joke that I've been hearing for at least eight years now and I'm simply tired of it, you know?

(Just for the record, I'm not hating on Die Hard. I thoroughly enjoy it and think it's one of the greatest action movies ever made. This is all just for fun.)

But I guess that if a few nods to Jesus' birthday and the festivities surrounding it is all you need to qualify as a Christmas movie then screw it, I guess Die Hard is a Christmas movie then. But you know what? Two can play at this game! This is my list of top ten other films that qualify as Christmas movies.

10. American Sniper (2014)

What? What are you talking about? American Sniper is totally a Christmas movie! There was that one scene where Chris Kyle is watching war footage of US soldiers getting shot in Iraq as he sits next to a Christmas tree in his living room. It demonstrates Chris' trouble with leaving the war behind and focusing on his family even during a holiday season on which families traditionally get together in peace. Chris sees his comrades in the military as his second family which he wishes to protect and thus he can't get the war out of his mind. And nothing says “Merry Christmas” like combat-induced stress in veterans, right?

9. Stalingrad (1993)

Stalingrad is a German war film about a platoon of Wehrmacht soldiers participating in the epic Battle of Stalingrad (1942-3). It is also unquestionably a Christmas movie. There's one scene set in late December where the situation for the Germans isn't looking good. The Red Army has them encircled, supplies are running low, and a breakout seems less and less likely with each passing day. The main characters have been sentenced to a penal company and are off to take part in a suicide mission. As they ride in the back of a freezing cold truck one of them spontaneously sings “O Tannenbaum” (or “Oh Christmas Tree” as it's known in English). As if that wasn't Christmassy enough, just look at all the snow that envelops three-quarters of this movie. Need I say more?

8. Miracle (2004)

You remember Miracle? It was one of the best hockey movies ever made and it's also a pretty darn good Christmas movie. During a brief holiday break from Olympic training camp the US hockey players take part in a gift exchange. I don't know about you but my holiday season isn't complete until I see Dave Silk being given a pair of silk underpants.

7. Jarhead (2005)

It turns out that it wasn't the waiting, the boredom, the heat, the sand, the thought of his girlfriend at home cheating on him, or his being denied the killing he was meticulously trained to do that drove Lance Corporal Anthony Swofford to have a mental breakdown. It was the fact that he missed out on Christmas 1990 with his family, of course! The closest he got was getting drunk and dancing naked wearing nothing but a Santa hat and even that got ruined by clumsy Fergus falling asleep on the job. Way to go Fergus, you ruined Christmas in Kuwait!

6. On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969)

I honestly don't know why people pick Die Hard as the definitive faux-Xmas flick over OHMSS. This one's got it all: a wintery Swiss setting chock full of winter sports, loads of Christmas decorations, and a gift exchange scene involving beautiful young ladies being hypnotized into committing acts of biological warfare. Does Die Hard have those things? Nuh uh. Does Die Hard have Ernst Stavro Blofeld saying “Merry Christmas, 007”? Didn't think so. Sure, in Die Hard John McLane and Holly get back together at the end but do they get married like Bond and Tracey did in OHMSS? No they don't. I rest my case.

5. The Godfather (1972)

The Godfather is often cited as one of the best movies ever made. It is also one of the best Christmas movies ever made and here's why. There's not one but two scenes showing characters shopping for Xmas presents. Michael and Kay are having a fun time shopping for their friends and Tom Hagen gets kidnapped by Sollozzo the Turk while shopping for his kids. What a nice way to spend the holidays.

4. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (2011)

You know I'll talk about this movie any chance I get. That's because TGWTDT is one of my favourite movies ever – and if we're going by Die Hard rules then it counts as my favourite Christmas movie of all time. In fact it's so Christmassy that it has Christmas in it twice! That's right, Xmas appears near the film's beginning – Blomkvist is at a Christmas party and Lisbeth gives a gift to her ward only to find that he's had a stroke – and again at the very end when Lisbeth gets a gift for her crush Blomkvist only to find that he's a man whore. Yeah, late December doesn't seem to work out well for Lisbeth Salander.

3. Batman Returns (1992)

Well, damn. Here I was going to make a big tongue-in-cheek thing about how Batman Returns is totally a Christmas movie – what with tons of decorations, trees, snow, and holiday greetings – but Wikipedia of all people beat me to it. Of course the joke was that Batman Returns is a somewhat dark movie with disturbing visuals and insane characters set against a backdrop of the most peaceful and joyous of holidays. But Wiki-freakin'-pedia already has it in their Christmas movies category. You know you've failed at comedy when an online encyclopedia beats you to the punch. Oh well, speaking of Batman...

2. The Dark Knight (2008)

There's a scene where one of Joker's crazy henchman says all the voices in him were replaced with lights “like Christmas”. 'Nuff said.

1. Jingle All the Way (1996)

You probably didn't know this but Jingle All the Way is actually a Christmas movie. Even though it clearly wasn't meant to be. It couldn't have been. There's no way that's what they were going for with this film. In truth Jingle All the Way was intended as a black comedy, a satire depicting the over-commercialization of North American society and how rampant consumerism has driven us all mad to the point of greed, violence, and theft. The film's “happy ending” is simply some greedy kid being given some plastic toy he covets. Materialism brings everyone together, I guess. But if you look closely you can see some subtle Christmas flavour sprinkled about. For example, in some scenes you can catch a glimpse of some Christmas decorations. And did you know the reason people are buying so much stuff in this movie is because 25 December is approaching? And lastly, if you look closely enough you might just see Santa Claus in there somewhere. The only downside is that in order to spot any of this you have to pay attention to the movie, which I wouldn't recommend.

Movie Review -- Midway

Hey, guys. I’m in the middle of moving again so I’m afraid I’m going to have to keep this review short. Thankfully I did find a moment to escape to the movie theatre to see Midway, an American war movie detailing the events surrounding the pivotal Battle of Midway in 1942. Is it as stunning a victory as the real-life event or does it land as a dud? Let’s take a look.

The film begins with the attack on Pearl Harbour. A leadership shuffle results in Admiral Chester Nimitz commanding the Pacific Fleet. He charges his intelligence officer Edwin Layton with keeping tabs on the Japanese plans and avoiding another disaster. Together they keep the Pacific Fleet busy in the following months as the navy’s pilots, led by the daring Lt. Richard Best, wreak havok on the high seas. And that’s only some of what goes on in this flick; there’s a lot of plot stuffed into this movie and some of it is ultimately inconsequential to the big picture. This includes the Doolittle Raid, the submarine Nautilus, and some film director on Midway Island.

Similarly there’s also a ton of characters in Midway and there’s only a few truly interesting ones to latch onto, chief among them Nimitz, Layton, and Admiral Yamamoto. Richard Best, played by Ed Skrein, is OK but his accent sure sounds weird.

Perhaps the most disappointing thing about Midway is the obvious CG-heavy effects. The Pearl Harbour attack scene looks downright terrible, like watching a cartoon. Moreover, pretty much every scene taking place at sea is green screened, lending an air of fakery to the picture and makes the battle scenes a little less exciting. It’s a shame that director Roland Emmerich – the guy who made 1996’s Independence Day – has only gotten lazier and lazier with his visual effects.

All in all there’s two movies that come to mind when I think of Midway. There’s similar subject matter to be found in Pearl Harbor (2001), which while way sappier at least has some exciting action and characters that stood out more. I’m also reminded of 1962’s The Longest Day in the overabundance of plot/characters and the whole old-fashioned war movie feel. But at least The Longest Day had some impressive real-world visuals.

So what does Midway have? Pretty much the only neat things I’ll remember are the dogfights, the submarine parts, and any scene showing the Japanese perspective. But these are all things that have been done better in other movies. In short Midway is, in a word, average.

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