And now for something
completely different. Musicals aren't normally my bag but after
hearing all the criticism going around about Cats I knew I had
to check it out. Plus I had nothing better to do last Friday night.
So is Cats a worthwhile means of passing the time? Let's take
a look...
And let's never take
another look again. The felines in this movie look freakin'
disgusting! If you haven't seen them then let me explain: they have
human hands, feet, proportions, faces, limbs, fingers, and toes.
Really the only cat-like things to them are the ears, whiskers,
tails, and fur. So basically the cats just look like pygmies in
really lazily slapped together cat costumes (if you've got fetishes
then you'll really like this movie). Except they aren't even really
that: the “costumes” are really just CG effects, and not very
good CG at that. The computer generated effects are about on par with
Monsters, Inc. which was 18 years ago. The actors' faces are
very sloppily pasted on to the motion-captured digital bodies whose
feet don't seem to be interacting with the ground properly (just
watch their feet as they walk, you'll know what I mean). And last but
not least, the four-legged freaks don't even land on their feet half
the time.
So who are these
weirdos exactly? The main character Victoria is played by ballerina
Francesca Hayward in her film debut which mostly consists of her not
saying much for long stretches at a time while keeping that same
dumbfounded facial expression throughout the film. The rest of the
cast boasts some rather big names but there's two that really stand
out for me. The first is Judi Dench as Old Deuteronomy because (a)
she can't sing to save her life and (b) she's easily the most bizarre
and creepy-looking creature in the whole film. The other notable
character is Gus played by Ian McKellen who gives off this whole
oblivious-grandpa-who-is-still-having-a-good-time vibe. Pretty much
everything he says and does is hilarious and he's easily one of the
best parts of the film.
I guess I should
mention the plot. It follows the recently abandoned Victoria as she's
introduced to the world of the Jellicle Cats, a gang of stray cats in
London who occasionally take part in a song and dance competition
with the hopes of being reincarnated. It's a plot that's rather thin
and goes off on a lot of tangents for the sake of giving the audience
more songs to listen to. Some of the songs are alright, like the one
about cat burglars that steal things from peoples' homes. Also Taylor
Swift is here for about four minutes and her song is pretty good too
– even though her English accent isn't quite up to par. However
most of the songs are just “meh” – a lot of them have
choruses/verses that are repeated too much – while the silly 1970's
synthesizer filler music sounds weirdly out of place. And the whole
movie is capped off by a fourth wall-breaking scene that takes
forever to end.
Cats's directing
is a real letdown. There are a few nice-looking compositions, but
most of the dance scenes are ruined by an overly-shaky handheld
camera that makes it hard to see the choreography. Things don't get
much better in the editing room. There's a ton of awkward cutting to
random characters' faces during singing parts as if the movie is
unsure of who the audience is supposed to look at. As if that wasn't
bad enough, the sound balancing is inconsistent. Sometimes the lyrics
are impossible to make out during choruses while some other songs
sometimes have the music drowning out the singer's voice. This movie
is a mess!
And that's about all I
can stand to say about Cats, a gross-looking, poorly-directed,
sloppily-edited excuse for a movie. The only things that save this
film from being utter trash is Ian McKellen and a couple decent
songs. I don't want to be too harsh on Cats because, as
mentioned before, musicals aren't really my thing. But that doesn't
change the fact that Cats is one of the worst movies I've seen
this decade.
Grade:
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