Movie Review Repost -- The Lego Movie (2014)

Another busy week where I had no time to write up something new. You know what that means: a repost of an older review. Let's look at The Lego Movie from 2014. Looking back, this movie is just as fun as it was back then. If you still haven't seen it, then give it a try. Everything is awesome about it.

   You know, theatrically released movies about toys aren't always that great: Transformers, GI Joe, The Care Bears, Garbage Pail Kids... Fortunately, The Lego Movie breaks this mould spectacularly and plays by its own set of instructions.

   Here's a toy movie that's very much self aware and actually casts the toys as its characters; it's one of those films that knows how silly it is and has fun with it. The story follows Emmet, an ordinary construction worker Lego figure who is prophesied to become a master builder and save the Lego world from the tyrannical Lord Business. Along the way he gets help from an assortment of other Lego characters including Metal Beard the Pirate, a cat-unicorn hybrid, a 1980's astronaut, a wizard, a two-faced cop, the 2002 NBA All-Star team, the crew of the Millennium Falcon, and Batman just to name a few. We also get to see a wide variety of settings (but I won't spoil it for you here). Anyways, the story is surprisingly intricate; the finale gives us a decent twist and a heart-warming ending. And of course, the film is relentlessly funny. The jokes just keep coming out one after the other, satirizing everything from Lego toys, society, commercialism, and other movies as well. The Lego Movie boasts an ensemble cast – Chris Pratt, Will Ferrell, Liam Neeson, Elizabeth Banks, Will Arnett, and Morgan Freeman – all doing a fine job, with some (Ferrell, Neeson) even playing multiple roles.

   The animation was fascinating. The Lego figures are all computer-generated, but appear as they do in real life and their movement is made to resemble stop-motion animation (with their faces being the only part of them that actually moves).

   Really, the only problem I have with The Lego Movie is that maybe it's a little too fast-paced. If you blink, you might miss an important plotpoint. Similarly, the action scenes are very rushed: fights barely last longer than several seconds. It'd be nice to have a little more time to appreciate the effort that went into making this breath-taking animation, don't you think?

   Regardless, The Lego Movie is still a grand adventure. Is it a plug for Lego products? Absolutely, but it's much more than the worthless cash-grab it easily could have been. There was real effort put into this project. It's an incredibly fun flick that'll make you feel like a kid again: suitable for both kids and adults.

Rating: four and a half stars out of five

Movie Review -- Wonder Woman

   Seventy-four years. It's really taken this long for Wonder Woman to have her own feature-length, theatrically released, live-action film? Batman's had nine and Superman's had eight (if we don't count Suicide Squad or The Lego Movie), but despite being considered one of DC Comics' Big Three, Diana Prince has had to wait until 2017 to finally have a starring role in a movie of her own. So was it worth the wait? Let's take a look!

   Wonder Woman tells us the origin of its titular hero from her formative years on the Island of Themyscira to her first exposure to mankind in Europe during the First World War. This makes for a pretty interesting and different origin story (though it might just feel that way because we haven't seen numerous on-screen re-imaginings of it). The overall story isn't terribly original, but it's done with a new character we only had a brief taste of in 2016's Batman v Superman, so I'm game. Plus it takes place in WWI, which is awesome. Wonder Woman's themes focus heavily on war, bringing to question the morality and consequences of armed conflict amidst the backdrop of one of the most morally-confusing wars in modern history. A good choice, I think. The film isn't as joylessly serious as the other films of the DCEU, but is still well-grounded with real life dilemmas. The whole war theme feels fresh for a superhero movie and it makes it stand out from any other DC film that I've ever seen – although there a couple moments where the film strays awfully close to a “hero the world needs, not the hero it deserves” line. There's also a couple moments where the dialogue feels a little too Care Bears-y.

   One thing I found to be a great relief was that Wonder Woman completely avoids progressive and SJW sentimentality. It doesn't shove toxic feminism down your throat. It doesn't make its audience members feel ashamed or guilty about anything. It doesn't tell you to hashtag BLM, revoke the 2^nd Amendment, impeach Trump, or any stupid crap like that. It's OK to like this movie regardless of your politics.

   Just don't expect a history lesson from watching this movie. Most obvious thing ever, I know, but as a student of history I was bothered by a few historical inconsistencies. For example, the film takes place in the Fall of 1918 but it suggests that the Germans still have a chance at holding out and prolonging the war. No mention is made of the German Revolution. Hydrogen is presented as a viable ingredient in mustard gas. And worst of all, Erich Ludendorff has no moustache! Disgraceful.

   Lots of people are going to be comparing Wonder Woman to 2011's Captain America: First Avenger so let's get this part out of the way now. While both movies have similar plots and even scenes (WW's climax partially rips off CA:FA's ending), the tone is pretty different. While First Avenger feels like a traditional superhero movie Wonder Woman feels more like a straight-up war film. WW deals with more relevant themes, is slightly more life-like (relatively speaking; these are superhero films after all), and has the main character actually fighting Germans, something Captain America never did in his film.

   Let's talk about the acting. It's rather good. Gal Gadot does a wonderful job of portraying the wonderful heroine with just the right mix of bravery, earnestness, and naivete. In the role of American (of course) spy hero Steve Trevor is Chris Pine, whose performance is just as good as you'd expect; no surprises. There's also Danny Huston as Colonel Stryker, I mean Colonel Stryker, I mean General Ludendorff, I mean Colonel Stryker. And lastly we have Elena Anaya as the diabolical Isabel Maru – AKA Dr Poison – who, while she isn't terribly interesting as a character, does have a cool appearance.

   And that's Wonder Woman, a capable superhero movie for both WW fans and non-WW fans alike. It manages to pull off the delicate balance of being both enjoyable and serious enough to both entertain you and make you think, something not easy to achieve for superhero films. It's easily the best – some might say the only good – movie of the DC Extended Universe so far, and as far as I'm concerned it went to the hero who deserved it most.

   And remember, just because you can't see the invisible jet doesn't mean it isn't there.

Rating:

Retrospective Movie Review -- O.K. Connery (1967)

Normally I don't include posters for Retrospective Reviews, but how can one not appreciate the ridiculous amount of stuff they try jamming into this one. Half of the stuff on this poster doesn't even appear in the movie!

   James Bond returns to Anachronarchy... sort of. This week we're not really looking at a Bond film, but we kind of are. As promised, we're looking at 1967's O.K. Connery, also known as Operation Kid Brother and Operation Double 007. For those of you who don't know of this hidden “gem”, let me explain. It's an Italian spy action film starring Neil Connery (Sean Connery's younger brother) and a bunch of other Bond film actors which tries emulating the cool, thrilling adventures of 1960's Bond movies. But thanks to the insane script, lousy acting, and strange dialogue it didn't quite match the success of the real McCoy. But is it still worth watching? Let's find out!

   The film starts off with the evil Mr. Thayer (played by Adolfo Celi, who was Largo in Thunderball) aboard his sailboat lair surrounded by his crew of mostly hot chicks in midriff-baring sailor uniforms. He uses his remote controlled-car to blow up not-James Bond's plane as it lands while Agent Maxwell (Lois Maxwell of Ms. Moneypenny fame) watches helplessly. A badguy henchman disguised as a firefighter steals the dead agent's McGuffin. Thayer celebrates with a victory screw of one of his deck hands. Also, the disguised henchman (named Maya Rafis) is played Daniela Bianchi who played Tatiana Romanova in From Russia with Love. Say what you will about O.K. Connery, but you've got to admit, like any 007 film worth its vodka martini, it certainly has a lot going for it in the beautiful women department.

   I think it's also worth pointing out that this movie really overdoes it with the music. No matter how mundane the scene is – whether it's characters sitting and talking or a character walking from point A to point B – the music really turns up the bombast, trying to keep you on the edge of your seat at all times. It reminds me a lot of the 1960's Spider-Man cartoon, but turned up to 11 and with no breaks. Sometimes the songs played are just straight lifted from the actual Bond films. And sometimes the scoring even has two songs playing at once! Damn, talk about sensory overload.

   Anyways, next scene we get to see Neil Connery playing Dr. Neil Connery, brother of the now-dead agent from before, who's a famous plastic surgeon who can also hypnotize people and read lips (as explained in a couple awkward few lines that go on unnecessary tangents). He's showing off one of his recent patients, Yashuko (who just happens to be his late brother's girlfriend), to a bunch of doctors and reporters, but then somebody tries kidnapping her in plain view of the whole room (by walking up to her and picking her up). All of a sudden a brawl involving everyone in the room breaks out for some reason. Yeah, that's another thing about this film; crap goes down at the drop of a hat, so don't blink! Also, the fight choreography leaves much to be desired. The blows don't come anywhere close to connecting and there's even a few instances of footage being reused. So Dr. Connery uses his martial arts skills to break some faces (killing a dude in the process), but during the chaos Yashuko is kidnapped. Connery meets with Maxwell and her secret service boss Commander Cunningham, played by Bernard Lee, the guy who played M. Cunningham convinces Connery to do some spy work; Yashuko knew some important stuff and so she must be found and interrogated.

   It's then revealed that Thayer is the betamale at the evil secret organization THANATOS whose plan is to steal the world's gold reserves. The alphamale, played by Anthony Dawson (Dr. No, FrwL, Thunderball), engages in typical Blofeld-ish stuff like killing his underlings, albeit in an even more nonchalant manner while trying desperately to keep a straight face.

   Next up is a long scene where we learn that Connery is also a gifted archer as he takes part in an archery tournament. Ok... Nothing happens, everyone talks to eachother one after the other, Connery tries and fails to land some dates, and Cunningham again pressures him into doing more espionage/investigations, this time in Spain. Once there, Connery hypnotizes (and then tries hitting on) a bad guy hot chick named Mildred who's been following him around and she reveals that Yashuko is being held captive – and being tortured by colourful flashing lights – in a castle. Connery, Maxwell, and some agents storm the castle and rescue Yashuko. While under Connery's hypnosis, she partially reveals THANATOS's plan. Before she can get out all the info, Mildred shoots her dead much to the mild annoyance of Connery. Mildred is shot seconds later.

   The next scene is one of the most bizarre things I've ever seen in a movie. Maya Rafis and a busload of female assassins dressed as can-can dancers/leopards intercept and hijack an army truck containing an atomic nucleus, disguising the truck as a casino-themed parade float. At least that's best I can describe it. If Diamonds Are Forever were directed by a Turkish dude in the 80's it would only be half as strange as this. Right after that goofy craziness the movie abruptly changes to a more serious down-to-earth tone as THANATOS discusses its plan: to create a powerful magnetic weapon capable of neutralizing all electronics and machines throughout a whole continent. So it's kind of like Goldeneye, but without satellites. The secret service knows that Maya Rafis is in Tetuan, Morocco, and that there's some sort of factory staffed entirely by blind people (not suspicious at all). Connery reluctantly goes there to investigate.

   It's at this point that I gotta say, Connery – both the character and the actor – kind of gets the shaft in this film. The character really doesn't want to be a spy and is often coerced into doing it to avoid jail time. Cunningham's a jerk. The doctor just wants to go back to doing doctor stuff and scoring with the ladies. He tries many times to get with the girls but doesn't succeed until the film's end. As for Neil Connery himself, he gets dubbed over by a voice actor (who's pretty monotone thoughout) speaking with an American accent. During filming, Neil was recovering from throat surgery and apparently the production crew couldn't be bothered to either wait for their lead actor to be ready for filming nor find a voice actor with a Scottish accent. I guess all the preposterous skills – archery, lip-reading, hypnosis, martial arts, plastic surgery – were added to compensate?

   Once in Tetuan, Connery meets Maya who invites him to some sort of party at Thayer's palace. Here, Connery overhears (or rather over-lip reads) Thayer's plans on assassinating Alpha to become the new head of THANATOS and also to blow up his yacht with all of his female crew members on board, for some reason. He tells all this to Maya in an attempt to make her switch sides, but it doesn't work. The next day Connery disguises himself as a blind man to gain entrance to the factory only to discover that its employees are working unprotected with dangerous radioactive material. He quite easily convinces the staff to panic and run away – like I said, drop of a hat – but is discovered and captured before he can escape. Connery is taken to Thayer's yacht and forced to perform surgery on some guy. To make a long story short, it goes awry, chaos ensues, another silly brawl springs up, and Thayer escapes in his speedboat that comes out of a couch (as I'm sure most evil masterminds' boats do). Thayer makes it to THANATOS headquarters, kills off Alpha, and becomes the new leader.

   Connery and Maya – who is apparently now a good guy – track the uranium shipments to Switzerland. At the airport they meet up with his teammates on the Scottish national archery team, who are all ready to go with their uniforms on and their bows in hand straight off the plane... and they don't even know what they're doing there. I mean I've got some great friends whom I'm willing to lend a helping hand to, but if one of them asked me out of nowhere to travel halfway across the continent right away without telling me why I think I'd have my reservations. Also not one of these Scottish guys has a Scottish accent: a shameful display.

   At their castle hideout, THANATOS is putting the finishing touches on its magnet weapon while wearing silly red versions of the HYDRA uniforms from Captain America: First Avenger. The weapon is activated on the locals, rendering the good guys' cars and guns inoperable. Connery infiltrates the castle and is captured again, but uses hypnosis to trick a couple guards into fighting eachother By the way, Connery can now hypnotize people simply by staring into their eyes. Should we add mind control to his growing list of skills? Maya leads the archers on horseback to the castle to raise hell. A battle ensues between the US/Highlands Boy Scouts hunting club and the adult Flash Gordon fanboys. I'm not sure if those archers still have any idea as to what's going on, but apparently they're just OK with killing these random guys they don't know. Connery and Thayer partake in what's actually a not half-bad fight scene culminating in a decent Mexican standoff with bows. Connery kills Thayer with an arrow through the heart. The good guys make it out before the castle explodes (I don't remember why), destroying the magnet machine. I wonder, are the effects of an EMP reversible? Oh well, who cares? The day is saved!

   In the final scene we see that apparently Connery now gets to keep Thayer's yacht. Our movie ends with Connery hypnotizing Cunningham to get him to piss off while the good doctor goes on a pleasure cruise with Maya and his crew full of hot chicks. The end!

   As insane as this all sounds, believe me there's a bunch of other nutty things that I didn't even mention. There's a crazed screaming man who jumps through glass, ceiling-mounted machine guns (because you'll never know when you might need one of those), a dumb innkeeper who doesn't know how telephones work, a guy watching TV shows projected onto a naked chick's back, and an explosion which seems to go on forever.

   While O.K. Connery can boast of a respectable budget – the sets and costumes are alright, they got their money's worth – its editing and camerawork leaves much to be desired. There's plenty of shots in which one or more of the subjects is out of frame and there's even a few shots where the camera appears to wobble and shudder. (Though to be fair I did just watch this movie on YouTube, so maybe it was just that particular version.) You'll also see a few cheesy, overly dramatic zoom-ins à la Austin Powers. And just like the 1960's Bond films, O.K. Connery has lots of dubbing. But whereas the Bond flicks' dubbing was sparing and good, here it is everywhere and it is awful, making the whole lip-reading ability seem even sillier in retrospect. There's even one instance where I guess the sound editor forgot to dub one of Adolfo Celi's lines, so for about four seconds or so Thayer is Italian all of a sudden.

   And that's O.K. Connery, a hastily pasted together, sloppily written, mess of a movie that looks like it was written by Ian Fleming's bizarre, but well-meaning Italian half-brother who spent significant stretches of his life locked up in Dracula's attic. It's pretty weird and funny, in the way that only a foreigner who doesn't fully understand Western cinema could achieve. It's not quite The Room (2003) levels of hilarity, but it's still rather humourous. And luckily the film's two biggest shortcomings – its wooden lead actor and its absolutely ludicrous script – actually make this film even more watchable by adding to the whole camp factor. On the whole, O.K. Connery certainly isn't a good film but it does manage to entertain, mostly by accident. If you're like me and you enjoy weird crap that pokes lighthearted fun at stuff you like then you'll find O.K. Connery to be a fun waste of time.

Grade: one out of five

Movie Review -- Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

   Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales continues the PotC trend of titles that increasingly have nothing to do with the movie they represent. It really should be called Pirates of the Caribbean: Beating a Dead Horse, because this series is really starting to grow barnacles. I mean, not all the series' films have been great but at least they gave us skeleton pirates, the Kraken, Davey Jones, the Flying Dutchman, Blackbeard. And what does this most recent outing give us? Ghosts... ghost pirates that are basically the same as the skeleton pirates we saw in the first film: cursed humans who are unkillable in a swordfight. There's also a ghost ship that eats other ships. Needless to say, the Pirates franchise has definitely run out of ideas, but what do you expect when you're watching the fourth sequel to a movie based on a theme park ride? The whole thing feels tired.

   And speaking of tired, Johnny Depp is back once again as the lovable Captain Jack Sparrow, but his performance comes off as rather overdone and complacent. The fact that Jack is drunk for half the film may have just been the director's way of working around this. New to this film is Javier Bardem as the ghostly Captain Salazar. While Bardem's performance isn't bad, it doesn't leave as big an impression as it should. Geoffrey Rush as Captain Barbossa, on the other hand, is just as awesome as ever. Yes, there are a bunch of recurring characters in Dead Men Tell No Tales – some we haven't seen since 2007's At World's End – but in taking a page from the X-Men: Apocalypse playbook none of them have aged a day even though this film takes place about 21 years after Curse of the Black Pearl. Come on! The only PotC character who should be immortal is Angelica (Penelope Cruz), who, since she isn't mentioned in DMTNT, I'm assuming is still immortal and marooned on an island doomed spend centuries dying from starvation again and again and again. (Isn't Jack such a nice guy?)

   There's also a couple original characters: Kaya Scodelario as Carina Smyth and Brenton Thwaites as Henry Turner, or as I like to call them Elizabeth and Will 2.0. Neither of these characters are very interesting or developed. Henry is pretty bland (a carbon copy of Will from the first movie) and Scodelario's acting is pretty bad. Oh yeah, and instead of a Keith Richards cameo we get a Paul McCartney cameo singing a pirated-up version of Maggie Mae. Because of course. Who are they going to get for the next movie? Roger Daltrey?

   Dead Men Tell No Tales' plot is about Henry Turner, son of Will and Elizabeth, searching for Poseidon's Trident so that he can free his father from the curse of the Flying Dutchman. Along the way he recruits the help of the astrologist/horologist Carina, Captain Barbossa, and of course Jack Sparrow. The plot has all the things you'd expect from a PotC film: action spectacles, fantastic creatures, people searching for their fathers, uninteresting people falling in love. It does try a few new things though. There's a flashback scene showing us how a young Jack Sparrow got his name and his captaincy. I have mixed feelings about this scene. On one hand it's cool to see the formative adventures of the series' funnest character, but on the other hand I'm not interested in learning the origin of random little things like Jack's hat, his beads, or his nickname. Also, seeing the de-aged Depp's face and hearing his not-so-de-aged voice just feels weird. Another new thing this film tries is some uninspired adult humour. And the whole film ends on a scene that is so sappy you'd swear that it was written by a six year-old girl.

   Not everything in DMTNT is bad. I thought the scenes with the undead sharks and Jack stuck in a guillotine were pretty fun. And to its credit DMTNT makes do without the confusing multitude of subplots that previous films in the series had. Instead all the confusion comes from how the supernatural stuff in this film works. What is the Devil's Triangle? Where does its power come from? How is it linked to Jack's compass? Why did the Triangle give Salazar's crew superpowers and make them the curators of it when everyone else who sails into it dies? Was his the first ship to sail into it? If so, then how did young Jack know about the Triangle's curse?

   You want some more plot holes? OK! How are just a dozen horses able to drag a whole two-story building (not on wheels or anything) all around the town streets? What was the deal with that witch character? She was only in a couple scenes and she didn't really do anything. Are we really expected to believe that Jack would be willing to give up his mystical compass just for some rum? Oh, and good thing Barbossa just happened to have the enchanted sword that could restore the Black Pearl out from the bottle. Real convenient, there. And most importantly, since all sea curses are now broken does that mean that Jack the monkey is mortal again? I could go at this all day, folks!

   But I won't. Overall, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales's story feels a lot like Curse of the Black Pearl but with a bit of On Stranger Tides's tone mixed in. It's got most of the same problems as the last Pirates movie, so if you liked that one then I guess you'll like this one too. Personally I want this series to stop settling for mediocrity. The first movie was so good, but they just keep messing it up!

Grade:

Movie Review Repost -- Looper (2012)

So I spent this morning washing my car in the hot spring sun. Staring at my modern-looking vehicle juxtaposed against the lush scenery of the farms right next to my house reminded me of the scenery of Looper, a 2012 sci-fi thriller film set in Kansas in 2044. So since I don't have anything new to show you this week (I will next week, don't worry) I thought it might be cool to elaborate on what I think is one of the most underrated films of 2012. Enjoy!

   During a momentary lull in the never-ending barrage of homework and tests I managed to find the time to watch a movie this week. I saw Looper, a time-travel action/thriller movie. And yes, it was a good choice (I mean did you even look at this article's title?).

   Right away, you'll be drawn into this movie's fascinating world set in 2044. The film follows Joe Simmons (Joseph Gordon-Levitt), a mob assassin known as a “looper” because he kills victims who are sent back in time from the future. Things turn serious when Joe encounters his older self (Bruce Willis) who wants to change the future. The story seems rather original (though it is somewhat comparable to Terminator, I guess). I especially like the part where Joe goes into a diner and has a really uncomfortable conversation with his older self. Looper's plot is smart and engaging, as well as funny at certain moments.

   Looper also benefits from a talented cast. Joseph Gordon-Levitt does a great job portraying Joe, the cocky, selfish, drug-addicted looper living in Kansas City. Old Joe, played by Bruce Willis, is not nearly as arrogant but instead is full of regret towards the life he led. Even the child actor who plays Cid is impressive; he comes off as really smart yet troubled.

   There's so many other things I could talk about that were brilliantly done: Gordon-Levitt's makeup that makes him look like Willis, the great special effects, the dialogue, the action, the ending... The only real complaint I have is that they could have explained the whole telekinesis thing a little better, especially since it plays a rather important role towards the end. (Did I forget to mention that in the future some people have limited telekinesis?)

   In spite of this, Looper is still an awesome movie. Action fans will like it. Sci-fi fans will like it. If you're even the least bit interested, then you definitely should go see it.

Final rating: five stars out of five!

All-Time Team: Quebec Nordiques (1979-95)

   It's time to finish off this month's series of all-time NHL teams, and we're doing it with the most successful of the now-defunct former WHA teams: the Quebec Nordiques. (For an abbreviated history of the WHA, see 7 May's article on the Winnipeg Jets).

The Nordiques hold the distinction of being the only major professional sports team in recent memory to be based in Quebec City, one of Canada's northernmost major cities (though Edmonton is the farthest north to host an NHL franchise). The team was a goal-scoring behemoth in the WHA, but was forced to give up most of its good players during the 1979 merger and thus finished dead last in the standings of its new league. But with the development of young stars such as Michel Goulet and the three newly-defected Stastny brothers the Nordiques quickly regained their scoring touch, becoming a force to be reckoned with. Quebec made the playoffs seven years in a row from 1981 to 1987. Unfortunately they often wound up having to play against the Montreal Canadiens or the Boston Bruins, no easy feat. And yet Quebec managed some respectable forays into the playoffs in the 1980's, winning six series and making it to the conference finals twice.

   During this time, the Nordiques developed a big-time rivalry with the Canadiens, the only other hockey team in the province of Quebec and the only other French speaking team at the time. The teams often competed for their division title, they faced off in the postseason four times (in the 80's), and their games commonly involved fights (sometimes even bench-clearing brawls). In other words, it was heaven for hockey fans.

   But in the late-1980's the team spiraled downwards in the standings, finishing last in their division five years in a row (1988-92), as well as last in the league three years in a row. The upshot is that this landed Quebec some excellent draft picks, including top prospect Eric Lindros. Unfortunately, Lindros whined and cried like a baby because he didn't want to play in Quebec City. So the Nordiques traded him away in 1992 to the Flyers for five all-star players and a few other dudes too. This windfall deal, combined with the development of recent draft picks, was a massive boost to the struggling Nordiques who doubled their season point total from 52 in 1991-92 to 104 in 1992-93. Their triumphant return to the playoffs was cut short by (who else) the Canadiens who would go on to win the Stanley Cup that year.

   Quebec struggled with injuries the following year, but would rally back in the shortened 1994-95 season with the best record in the Eastern Conference. They were knocked out of the playoffs by the defending Cup champion New York Rangers. For the previous few years, the team's financial difficulties had been mounting. Just like with the Winnipeg Jets, costs (especially player salaries) were rising faster than revenues in a weakened Canadian dollar from an already small fanbase could keep up. Unlike the Jets, the Nordiques' organization conducted operations almost exclusively in French, which severely limited the franchise's marketability and made the team look uninviting to some non-francophone players.

In one of the saddest franchise relocations ever, the Nordiques moved to the States to become the Colorado Avalanche winning the Stanley Cup in their very first year there. Since moving in 1995, the Avalanche have won two Stanley Cups, two President's Trophies (best regular season record), and nine division championships (including eight in a row) while making the playoffs in 13 of 21 seasons. Now that's impressive.

   In their NHL years, the Quebec Nordiques wound up winning two division championships. The last Nordiques player still active in the NHL was Adam Foote and he retired in 2011. Today, the Quebec Nordiques are remembered for being one of the few French-langauge NHL teams, their intense rivalry with Montreal, their cool logo, their unique name, and their individual stars whom we're here to look at today.

   Here's my picks for the all-time Quebec Nordiques. As usual, I've tried limiting it to players who've played at least 200 games with the team. And again, only these players' NHL performances as members of the Nordiques (not the Avalanche) will be considered: the reason why Peter Forsberg, Valery Kamensky, and Guy LaFleur aren't here.

Forwards

L-R: Michel Goulet; Marion, Peter, and Anton Stastny; Dale Hunter

Left Wing	Centre	Right Wing
Michel Goulet (1979-90)	Peter Stastny (1980-90)	Real Cloutier (1979-83)
Anton Stastny (1980-89)	Joe Sakic (1988-95)	Marian Stastny (1981-85)
Tony McKegney (1983-84, 1989-91)	Dale Hunter (1980-87)	Owen Nolan (1990-95)
Alain Cote (1979-89)	Paul Gillis (1982-91)	Wilf Paiement (1981-86)

For most of its history, the Quebec Nordiques were blessed with a wealth of scoring talent. First off is career points leader Peter Stastny, the second highest scoring player in the 1980's, seven time 100 point scorer. On his left is four time 50 goal scorer Goulet and on his right is consistent high-scorer Real Cloutier. On the second line is the high-flying captain Joe Sakic supported by the capable productive abilities of the other two Stastny brothers. The third line is made up of power forward Owen Nolan, the gritty and reliable fan-favourite Dale Hunter, and the special teams... uh... specialist Tony McKegney. The fourth line is designed to give a bit of defensive depth. That's why I've added defensive forward Cote, two-way playmaker Paiement, and the grinder/penalty killer Gillis.

Honourable mention: Mats Sundin, Marc Tardiff

Defencemen

L-R: Mario Marois, Curtis Leschyschyn

Mario Marois (1981-85, 1988-90)	Jeff Brown (1985-90)
Curtis Leschyschyn (1988-95)	Adam Foote (1991-95)
Randy Moller (1981-89)	Steven Finn (1985-95)

With the first defensive pair we've got two guys who are good at making plays from the blueline: the speedy Jeff Brown and the toughened Mario Marois. Leschyschyn and Foote are both excellent positional players who anchor the second pairing. And the third pairing is made up of a couple hard-nosed fellas known for using their brawns to clear their endzone: Moller and Finn.

Honourable mention: Gord Donnelly, Dale Hunter

Goaltenders

Dan Bouchard

Dan Bouchard (1981-85)

Stephane Fiset (1989-95)

Like in Winnipeg, good goaltenders were few and far between in Quebec City. So it's no wonder who the #1 spot goes to on this all-time team. Dan Bouchard, the only goalie to win 100 games as a Nordique, with three seasons of 20 or more wins. He even had a winning record, a rarity for Quebec netminders.

Honourable mention: Clint Malarchuk

All-Time Team: Hartford Whalers (1979-97)

   It's time for another all-time hockey team, this time of the Hartford Whalers. The Whalers were another WHA team that moved to the NHL after the merger (see last week's article for an abbreviated history on the WHA). After a so-so inaugural season which saw the team earning a playoff birth, Hartford spent the next few years as just another mediocre team thanks in part to some lousy trades.      But by the mid-1980's, the team was competitive once again. Their return to the playoffs in 1985-86 saw them sweep the division champions Quebec Nordiques in the first round – the team's only playoff series win. The following regular season would turn out to be their most successful with 93 points, resulting in the team's only division title. Unfortunately, the Nordiques got their revenge by defeating the Whalers in the first round of the 1987 playoffs. The Hartford Whalers were a pretty good team in the late-80's and early-90's – even developing a sweet rivalry with their top-tier neighbours, the Boston Bruins – and make the playoffs in the next five years in a row. However, just like the Jets the Whalers had the misfortune of going up against much better teams in the first round of the playoffs: the Bruins and the Montreal Canadiens.

   After the 1992 playoffs, the team tried to rebuild (all of its good players from the 80's had been traded away), adding a bunch of young future-stars. Despite some decent individual performances, Hartford failed to make a return to the postseason. Ticket sales weren't doing so well, exacerbated by the fact that Hartford was a pretty small market for professional sports. In 1996, the team's owner, Peter Karmanos, announced that the team would have to move if they didn't sell 11 000 season tickets for the following season, a rather unfair demand given that (A) the Hartford Civic Center could barely hold 14 000 people and (B) Whalers season tickets were only sold in 41-game full season packages, making them rather pricey. Unable to secure a deal for a new arena, the franchise left Hartford after one last mediocre season.

   The team relocated south to become the Carolina Hurricanes in 1997. They've been up-and-down since, making the playoffs five times in the past 19 seasons and winning three division championships. However, they have advanced to the Stanley Cup finals twice, winning it in 2006. Respect.

   The last remaining former Whaler in the NHL was Jean-Sebastien Giguere and he retired at the end of the 2013-14 season. Today the Whalers are remembered for their rivalry with the Bruins, the colour green, their cool logo (Doesn't it look cool?), and, of course, their individual stars who I'm in here to celebrate today.

   Here's my picks for the all-time Hartford Whalers. As before, I've tried to limit it to players who've played at least 200 games with the team. And again, only these players' NHL performances as members of the Whalers (not the Hurricanes) will be considered: the reason why Paul Coffey, Gordie Howe, Bobby Hull, Chris Pronger, and Brendan Shanahan aren't here.

Forwards

L-R: Ron Francis, Kevin Dineen, Geoff Sanderson

Left Wing	Centre	Right Wing
Blaine Stoughten (1979-84)	Ron Francis (1981-91)	Kevin Dineen (1984-91, 1995-97)
Sylvain Turgeon (1983-89)	Andrew Cassels (1991-97)	Pat Verbeek (1989-95)
Geoff Sanderson (1990-97)	Ray Ferraro (1984-91)	Ray Neufeld (1979-86)
Dave Tippett (1983-90)	Robert Kron (1992-97)	Stewart Gavin (1985-88)

The scoring line's centre was a pretty obvious choice. Ron Francis: thrice team scoring leader, captain of six years, three-time all-star, career points leader. The best Whaler ever. Surrounding him are two-time 50 goal scorer Blaine Stoughten and fan-favourite power forward Kevin Dineen. The second line features a wealth of both goal-scoring and playmaking talent from all three players with a healthy dose of enforcing from Verbeek. The third line features forwards with fine setup ability as well as some scrappiness from the likes of Ferraro and Neufeld. Since the first three lines have enough aggression, I figured I might as well load up the fourth line with players who excel at both defence – Gavin and Tippett – and special teams – Gavin and Kron. To me, this forward lineup feels complete. Some good scoring talent combined with some toughness capable of holding the line and grinding down opponents.

Honourable mentions: Mark Janssens, Paul MacDermid, Torrie Robertson

Defencemen

L-R: Zarley Zalapski, Ulf Samuelsson

Mark Howe (1979-82)	Zarley Zalapski (1990-94)
Adam Burt (1988-97)	Dave Babych (1985-91)
Ulf Samuelsson (1984-91)	Joel Quenneville (1983-90)

The first defensive pair here specializes in moving up the puck, with Zalapski's speed and Howe's powerplay value. The second pair gives a more positional style of play, with a fair bit of playmaking from Babych (previously selected for Winnipeg's all-time team), one of the great underrated defencemen of his time. And of course, how could you have a fantasy Whalers team and not include Ulf Samuelsson, the hard-hitting Swedish brute that made life miserable for his opponents? With him is the venerable Joel Quenneville. Overall, I'd say this is a defensive corps that is versatile, has a little bit of everything.

Honourable mentions: Brad McCrimmon, Glen Wesley

Goaltenders

Mike Liut

Mike Liut (1984-90)

Sean Burke (1992-97)

When it comes to Whalers goaltenders, these two guys are all you really need to know about. And Liut was easily the better of the two, compiling three 20-win seasons (including one season of 31 wins), a spot on the Second All-Star Team (1987), and a decent goals against average in a time where goals were a dime-a-dozen.