Back
in April I celebrated my 100 movie reviews by counting down the top 10 best
films I'd written a review for. I think it's only fair that I do the same for
the not-so-great masterpieces of crap that I've had to sit through. And so for
your reading pleasure here are the top 10 worst movies that I've ever reviewed.
(By the way, all of these reviews you can find posted here on Arnold's
Benediction.)
10.
Project Almanac
(2015)
Now,
to be fair Project Almanac isn't a horrible movie but it is a very
forgettable one. In fact right now I'm struggling to recall things that I can
say about it. All I remember is that the characters were a bunch of
self-absorbed brats who used time travel for their own personal gain (though
really, who can blame them?) and the ending left a bunch of lingering
questions. I have mentioned this film a few times on this blog so if you want
to do some time travelling yourself just head on over to that search bar.
Sorry, that's all I've got for this one.
9.
Apollo 18
(2011)
“There's
a reason we've never gone back to the moon.” There's also a reason I've never
watched this movie since it landed in theatres: it's dull. It's a shame that
with such an interesting premise – a found footage horror movie taking place on
a lunar mission in the 1970's – Apollo 18 could turn out to be so boring
and forgettable. I remember the cinematography being good and the plot being
threadbare, but not much else. I guess some found footage movies are better
left unfound.
8.
Amazing Spider-Man 2
(2014)
Now
this is what you call a hot mess. At the time I still thought well of 2012's Amazing
Spider-Man so my expectations were good for this one. But as the end
credits started rolling on this 2014 sequel I knew I had just witnessed a
stinker of a film. It has a lot in common with another disappointing spidey
flick, Spider-Man 3 (2007). They've both got intriguing relationships,
good acting, and decent action but they've also got an overloaded plot with too
many villains and unnecessary references to Peter Parker's past. But Amazing
Spider-Man 2 is less watchable and has an irritating amount of
sequel-baiting for a follow-up that never came to pass. I would say that it's a
good thing that the Spider-Man movies got rebooted again in 2017 but honestly
my appetite for the webslinger on the big screen has diminished significantly.
So yes, it's possible that this movie was so bad that it killed my enthusiasm
for Spider-Man movies. Way to go, guys.
7.
The Lone Ranger
(2013)
A
heroic, high-flying western made by the same guys who did the Pirates of the
Caribbean movies was an undertaking that had a lot of potential, but also a
lot of warning signs. Unfortunately The Lone Ranger contented itself
with emulating the lamer POTC films with its bloated length, confused tone, and
overstuffed story. But it added to the list of old familiar problems by having
a total wussie of a main character who puts the moves on his brother's widow
mere days after the man's death. It is true that The Lone Ranger is a
great looking movie – the cinematography is superb and the sets and costumes
are fine crafted down to a T – and the end train-chase sequence is thrilling,
but ultimately it isn't enough to lasso victory from the jaws of defeat. The
rest of the film is simply too much of a chore to sit through.
6.
Independence Day: Resurgence
(2016)
1996's
Independence Day was some good cheesy fun. As a kid I loved it so much I
remember watching it with some friends for my birthday party once. Its hefty
scope, likeable characters, and ground-breaking special effects made it a
must-see for its day. It's certainly a shame that its 20-years-later sequel
gets none of those things right. Instead we get an overblown scope that makes
the whole thing look silly, dull characters who lack charisma, and
run-of-the-mill CG effects that we've since grown numb to. Add to that a ton of
expository dialogue, subtract anything that might get you emotionally invested,
and round it all off with a cynical amount of sequel-baiting (good luck with
that) and you'll end up with this fine mess. Pretty much the only things I did
like about Independence Day: Resurgence was the interesting setting and
Jeff Goldblum. In short, Resurgence is just another one of those
“remember me?”, almost a franchise, CG-laden, snorefests that Hollywood loves
to crank out these days. Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life here.
5.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men
Tell No Tales (2017)
Oh
right, I keep forgetting that this series continues. And I really don't see why
it does either. It's sad. By the time Dead Men Tell No Tales came around
the well of pirate-related ideas had pretty much run dry. The bad guys in this
movie are ghosts, which seems rather underwhelming given the multitude of
creatures and monsters seen in previous instalments. What this movie does carry
over from its predecessors are the never-ending plot holes and the boring
romances. Not even the performances of Johnny Depp, Goeffrey Rush, and Javier
Bardem are enough to make this film worth watching. I think the perfect word to
describe Pirates of the Caribbean at this point is draining. We've had
our fun with pirates, but now it's time to let it end. Please just stop.
4.
Jason Bourne
(2016)
Oh
my gosh, it's Jason Bourne! Was it any surprise that this movie sucks
the big one? The warning signs were all there. First off, it's a Bourne movie
that's come long after audiences' appetite for these films has dried up. Next,
it ignores the not-great-but-still-better-than-this Bourne Legacy (2012)
by not including the much more likeable Jeremy Renner. And third, the title's
laziness is a pretty good indicator of how copy-paste the rest of the film is
going to be (it's rarely a good sign when after a bunch of sequels the latest
instalment's title is simply the character's name). The titular agent is an
empty shell of a man. He wasn't much interesting to begin with but in this
outing Matt Damon simply looks tired of doing this again as indicated by his
meagre dialogue. Well if they bothered resurrecting this dormant series they
probably came up with a good, gripping story, right? But no, it's the same plot as all the
others. A shady high-ranking CIA dude who's at risk of being publicly exposed
tries to hide evidence of his wrongdoing by sending an assassin to go kill off
his former agent Bourne who tries forming an uneasy partnership with a female
agent on the inside. It's lazy, so lazy that the previous two sentences you just
read were copy-pasted straight from my review of Jason Bourne. If the
film's writers can do it then so can I! And don't get me started on the
incomprehensibly choppy action scenes that're fit to give you motion sickness
just like it did to me. All in all, the only part of Jason Bourne that
gave me joy was that I got to use the phrase “hardcore Bourne-ography” in my
review. Other than that, it's trash.
3. God's Not Dead 2 (2016)
The first God's Not Dead is a
film so bad that it's a blast. I've seen it several times with friends and
we've laughed ourselves silly. But God's Not Dead 2 is a film so joyless
and dull that I've not seen it since it slumped into theatres. That's probably
because it actually tried (a tiny bit) harder to portray more believable
situations and people. Gone are (most of) the evil atheist stereotypes, gone
are the terrible folks of other faiths who beat their family members senseless,
and gone are the Duck Dynasty cameos. On the other hand we see the return of
one-sided arguments, pointless subplots, dull acting, and Reverend Dave having
the worst luck in the world. Oh yeah, the Newsboys are back too. Can't forget
that. On the whole, God's Not Dead 2 is kind of boring and plays like a
movie that could've been straight to DVD. And as it says in the Book of Tony,
being boring is one of the wickedest sins any film doth committeth.
2. After Earth (2013)
How? How did this happen? I'll tell you
how: Will Smith wanted to show how off how cool his son Jaden is so he hastily
wrote a dull, unimaginative story that was somehow supposed to spawn a trilogy
of films because that's what all films try doing nowadays. Here's an idea: just
make a good movie, worry about sequels later! Bringing on M. Night Shyamalan to
direct certainly didn't do the lifeless script any favours either with his
propensity for unenthused narration, uninspired sets, boring monologues, and
numerous flashbacks. There's also some plotholes and illogical nonsense. For
example, how come the whole “Earth's gravity is stronger than home's” stuff
isn't brought into play? What does Cypher expect a toddler to do against a
man-eating monster that's invaded his house? Why does the Ursa – the
aforementioned monster – stick its victims on trees instead of eating them? But
ironically it's the acting that stands out as the worst part of After Earth,
a film meant to showcase the two lead actors. Will Smith gives an
unaccountably emotionless performance as he spends most of the movie sitting in
the same chair, talking directly to the camera. Meanwhile, Jaden Smith comes
off as a whiny dweeb who falls asleep at least five times throughout the film.
He tries but he severely lacks the charisma his father has (y'know, in other
movies!). At the end of the day After Earth isn't the worst sci-fi movie
ever made, but it will be remembered as a laughingstock for years to come.
1. Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014)
And here we are, the worst movie I've
ever written a review for: Transformers: Age of Extinction. Is anyone
surprised? For years now it's been en vogue to roast Michael Bay's Transformers
series of films as nothing more than overhyped, big-budget, brain-dead drivel.
While I normally try to go into a movie with an open mind I must confess I knew
this was going to be a bad one. The most I expected was that perhaps this
fourth Transformers movie would be slightly more refined than previous
instalments, maybe a few lessons learned, kinks ironed out. But no, how naive.
The trademark horribleness is in full force here with the familiar kooky
humour, irritating robots, dizzying camera movement/editing, mindless action
scenes that go on for way too long, preposterous romances, puzzling casting,
blatant product placement, in-your-face US flags, and explosions ad nauseum.
Optimus Prime screams manically like a coked-up Vietnam vet and we're supposed
to believe that Mark Wahlberg is a nerdy inventor. The goodguy transformers
suck and they fight eachother more than they do the badguys. And to top it all
off the film is obscenely boring, no thanks to the overabundance of action and
humourless comedy. You'll have gone numb to the dazzling effects and
never-ending action by the time the climax comes 'round. Not even robot
dinosaurs were able to pull me back into this mess. That's the biggest thing I
want everybody to know about Age of Extinction: the boredom it induces.
We all like to poke fun at the Transformers series but do you really
remember how it felt the last time you sat through one of these things? It was
a chore, an utter waste of time. I'm never going back. You can't make me.
