Sunday 12 November 2023

All-Time Team: Florida Panthers (1993-present)

 

This article took far too long to write. Sorry 'bout that.

These are terrible and dark times indeed. In a tragic turn of events this year, Lord Stanley's Cup was won by the Las Vegas Golden Knights – I refuse to just call it “Vegas” – a very unpopular team that has enjoyed an inordinate amount of early success in its first six seasons. In a break from tradition I will not be doing an all-time lineup for this year's Stanley Cup champs, for two reasons. The first is that the Golden Knights are a team I absolutely despise! The second and more pressing reason is that I simply can't. That team doesn't have enough historical players for me to draw on; not enough Golden Knights qualify by the “minimum 220-240 games rule” for me to make a full roster of 20 players. So just like in 2021, I'm going to go with the runners up. Here is the all-time team for the Florida Panthers! But first, a brief history.

The NHL added a lot of expansion teams throughout the 1990's thanks to the newfound (supposed) boost in hockey's popularity in the American sunbelt. In 1993 the league welcomed its two newest teams: the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim and the Florida Panthers. Not only were the Panthers the first professional hockey team in Miami since 1939, but their arena wasn't built yet and not a single person in the team's business operations knew anything about hockey. In other words, it was your typical southern expansion team BS. The Panthers picked some decent players in the expansion and entry drafts of 1993, assembling a respectable team for their inaugural season (1993-94) in which they just barely missed the last playoff spot. In their first year Florida finished with 83 points, which set a new record for an expansion team.

After a second near-miss season a shake-up happened. A new coach, the drafting of defenceman Ed Jovanovski, and the acquisition of Ray Sheppard was the shot in the arm that the Panthers needed. Not only did the team make the playoffs for the first time, but they went on a tear through other – and most would say, better – Eastern Conference teams on the way to the Stanley Cup finals thanks to some heroic goaltending from John Vanbiesbrouck. But alas, the Panthers were crushed in a four-game finals sweep against the mighty Colorado Avalanche.

Florida began the 1996-97 season strongly but coasted its way into the playoffs that year, getting eliminated in five games in the opening round. With this, the Panthers began a long period of stagnation and failure. A blockbuster trade in January 1999 brought in goal-scoring legend Pavel Bure, who helped push Florida back into playoff action the following year, but the team got swept in the opening round by the eventual Cup champions, the New Jersey Devils. Draft picks just weren't working out they way many had hoped and there were some bad trades that got rid of talented players, the most infamous of which dealt away star goaltender Roberto Luongo in 2006 for a has-been and some chump change. All told, the Florida Panthers only qualified for the playoffs three times in the 21 seasons between 1998 and 2019! Home game attendance suffered heavily during this time and the Panthers were seen by many as a joke of a franchise.

An early-2010's rebuild finally got the team in order, with many new players, a new general manager, and a new head coach. The Panthers won their first ever division championship in 2011-12 and made the playoffs for the first time in over a decade(!), losing again to the Devils in the opening round. However, the club stumbled over the next two years, finishing at or near the bottom of the league standings. One interesting stat I found to illustrate just how bad the Panthers were around this time was that Nick Bjugstad led the team in scoring in 2013-14 with a measly 38 points – the lowest team-leading points total ever in an 82-game season! Another rebuild around 2013-15 brought improvements, with a new head coach, the reacquisition of Luongo, and the drafting of stars such as Aleksander Barkov and Aaron Ekblad. By 2015-16 the team had turned its fortunes around so well that it finished with another division title and its best record ever. Unfortunately the season came to an end with yet another first-round exit at the hands of the New York Islanders.

Things fell apart shortly thereafter as the Panthers failed to make the playoffs for another three seasons between 2017-19. But by the 2019-20 season (after multiple new head coaches) things had finally levelled off. Since then the Panthers have been a consistently competitive club, earning a playoff spot every year and even winning a few rounds. How about that? During this time the Panthers finally became the challenging rivals they were always meant to be to fellow Florida team Tampa Bay Lightning.

In their twenty-nine NHL seasons the Florida Panthers have qualified for the playoffs nine times, made two Stanley Cup finals appearances, won three division titles, and won one President's Trophy (best regular season record in 2021-22).

Now let's take a look at the best players this franchise has ever had. Only their performances in a Panthers uniform will be considered and only players who have spent at least 220 games as a Panther will be included. Let's go!

Forwards

L-R: Whitney, Jokinen, Barkov


Left Wing

Centre

Right Wing

Ray Whitney (1997-2001)

Jonathan Huberdeau (2013-22)

Pavel Bure (1999-2002)

Rostislav Olesz (2005-11)

Olli Jokinen (2000-08)

Nathan Horton (2003-10)

David Booth (2006-11)

Alexsander Barkov (2013-present)

Radek Dvorak (1995-99, 2007-11)

Peter Worrell (1998-2003)

Brian Skrudland (1993-97)

Scott Mellanby (1993-2001)

For our first forward line we've got the Panthers' all time assist leader Jonathan Huberdeau, who is also second on the team's all-time points list. He is joined by the underrated-yet-consistent playmaker Ray Whitney (227 points in 273 games) and the Russian Rocket Pavel Bure who twice led the NHL in goal-scoring during his time in Florida, with 58- and 59-goal campaigns. (Bure was previously selected for my all-time Canucks team in October 2017.) The second line features some tight defensive work from Olesz (who kept a consistent +/- for some pretty weak teams), and the scoring prowess of Nathan Horton (5x20 goals) and Olli Jokinen (3x30 goals, 4x65 points). Smooth skater and forechecker David Booth (3x20 goals), two-way specialist Barkov (4x70 points), and defensive anchor Radek Dvorak (+8 overall while playing on some lacklustre squads) make up the third line. And on the fourth trio we've got the team's first captain Skrudland, a key contributor in the franchise's early years; the feared enforcer Worrell (1375 total penalty minutes); and the Rat Man himself, power forward Scott Mellanby (354 total points).

Honourable mentions: Evgenii Dadonov, Bill Lindsay, Rob Neidermayer, Stephen Weiss

Defencemen

L-R: Bouwmeester, Laus

Jay Bouwmeester (2002-09)

Brian Campbell (2011-16)

Robert Svehla (1995-2002)

Aaron Eckblad (2014-present)

Ed Jovanovski (1995-99, 2011-14)

Paul Laus (1993-2002)

For the first defensive pairing we've got what I think are the two most versatile d-men that have ever played for Florida. Both Brian Campbell (376 consecutive games) and Jay Bouwmeester (5 seasons without missing a game, 3x40 points) were skilled skaters and iron men who could shut down opposition and contribute on the offence. Both Svehla (4x40 points) and Eckblad (8x10 goals) add even more offence from the blueline. Meanwhile the third pairing adds some toughness from Jovanovski (also on the all-time Canucks team) and gritty defensive work from fan-favourite Paul Laus.

Honourable mentions: Erik Gudbranson, Gord Murphy

Goaltending

Luongo

Roberto Luongo (2000-06, 2014-19)

John Vanbiesbrouck (1993-98)

This one was a pretty easy call to make. While the Beezer did have some great seasons in the 1990's, Roberto Luongo is undoubtedly the most talented netminder that Florida has had. Although the team didn't experience much success during his tenure, Luongo was often the guy carrying the whole team. Quick, durable (4x60 games), and highly competitive, he stole the show regularly. Trading him away in 2006 was the biggest mistake Florida ever made. (He's also the starting goaltender of my all-time Canucks team.)

Honourable mention: Tomas Vokoun


Sunday 16 April 2023

Was Corporal Upham a Coward? (Saving Private Ryan)

 As you can probably guess one of my favourite movies ever is 1998's Saving Private Ryan (see my article from November 2016). As one of the greatest war films ever made it touches upon a range of themes and topics for discussion, from the ideals of duty and patriotism to the realities of war's violence and moral ambiguity. One thing that jumps out at me whenever I'm with someone watching this movie for the first time is their reaction to Corporal Timothy Upham seizing up during the movie's climatic battle in the town of Ramelle and failing to intervene in a hand-to-hand fight which results in his comrade Private Stanley Mellish getting killed by a German soldier's knife. Almost invariably the new viewer criticizes Upham for not climbing those stairs and lifting a finger to rescue Mellish. In a mixture of frustration and disbelief they dismiss Upham as a coward, but personally I've always thought that this was an unfair criticism of this character. Here's why.

We first meet staff assistant Upham as he's being recruited into Captain Miller's squad to serve as their interpreter. Upon hearing that their destination has “a lot of Germans,” the corporal explains that he has no combat experience; in fact he hasn't fired even fired a weapon since his basic training, implying that he never underwent infantry training. Herein lies Upham's biggest weakness: his lack of training makes him ill-prepared for the stress of combat. People often question why boot camp drill instructors are so mean and verbally abusive towards their recruits. Some believe that they're trying to make the recruits into unthinking automatons that will obey any order given. Nothing could be further from the truth. The real reason for this is that the drill instructors are conditioning their recruits to think under pressure, preparing them for the high-stress situations they will have to work under some day. In the movie Jarhead, the Marine drill instructor chides Private Swofford: “You can't think while I'm giving you a few love taps?! How the f--- are you going to fire your rifle when grenades are going off in your face?!” This is the purpose behind live-fire exercises. The more risky and realistic the training, the better-prepared the recruit will be – technically, tactically, and mentally – to handle the danger, chaos, and sheer terror of combat. Without this psychological preparation, the average person's reaction to high-stressed situations will simply be determined by their fight-or-flight instinct.

In addition, proper training and conditioning is what prepares a soldier to kill. To the average person – especially a mid-20th century American – the act of killing somebody is abhorrent and does not come naturally. It is something most people need to be trained into doing. This is summed up in a famous quote by Gunnery Sergeant Hartman in Full Metal Jacket: “Your rifle is only a tool. It is the hard heart that kills. If your killer instincts are not clean and strong you will hesitate at the moment of truth; you will not kill.” Sometimes even infantry training didn't do the trick. There have been multiple post-war studies that concluded that a large percentage of US troops in the Second World War (as well as in Korea and Vietnam) did not shoot to kill; in fact, some never even fired their weapon in battle at all!

In movies it's common for there to be a “new guy” type of character, one who's uninitiated and not used to the environment he/she is now in. It's a tried-and-true method to give the audience someone to identify with, a means through which the viewer can become acquainted with the setting of the story. Timothy Upham is this type of character. Like much of the film's audience he has no combat experience and he is horrified at the events going on around him. Just like with his lack of infantry training, Upham's lack of experience makes it harder for him to handle the stress of battle. War changes you psychologically.

This is demonstrated at around Saving Private Ryan's halfway point in which Miller's squad assaults a lone German machine gun pit, capturing it and taking one prisoner at the cost of their medic, Wade. The other squad members expect to execute the prisoner, nicknamed “Steamboat Willie.” They know they can't bring prisoners with them and they want to kill the German in revenge for Wade but Upham protests, claiming that such a thing would be morally wrong and “against the rules.” It's clear that he still clings to the value of human life and decency. A heated argument ensues, ending with the squad releasing the prisoner even though it endangers their mission. Later on near the film's conclusion Steamboat Willie has rejoined his comrades and takes part in the Battle of Ramelle, delivering a fatal shot to Capt. Miller. Upham – after his breakdown and Mellish's death – captures Willie, recognizes him, and then shoots him dead. By now Upham has learned that soldiers in war must be ruthless when faced with tough decisions. He now knows what it means to be a soldier in combat. He is a changed man.

Unfortunately the change came too late to save Private Mellish because Corporal Upham couldn't work up the nerve to intervene in the knife fight. It is true that is was a failure on Upham's part, but to only focus on this one scene would be unfair when you consider all the other things he did during this battle. Throughout the battle at Ramelle Upham supplies ammunition to the machine gunners as they shift position. To do so this untrained staff clerk has to run through German machine gun fire as well as dodge tank fire while buildings are being blown up all around him. He witnesses his comrades – men braver and more experienced than him – get shot apart and literally blown to pieces. He wasn't expecting to go through any of this stuff, and yet he maintains his composure. But he can only take so much; it's only when he hears the sounds of a savage hand-to-hand fight going on upstairs that he finally cracks under the stress and is unable to go on any further.

It may be easy to curse out this character for not having the fortitude to intervene in a fight to save a life, but how many of us have been in the same situation? Corporal Upham, a man who wasn't prepared nor expecting to go through combat, just wanted to live. Is that any different from your ordinary movie-goer?

Was Timothy Upham wrong for not saving Stanley Mellish? Yes he was, but I implore you: don't be too quick to judge.

Sunday 17 July 2022

All-Time Team: Colorado Avalanche (1995-present)


Heh heh heh. No threepeat this year, Tampa Bay. I get to write about a new championship team this time. The Colorado Avalanche have just won the Stanley Cup as the NHL's top team and as per tradition I'm going to assemble the all-time best that this franchise has to offer. But before we get to that here's a brief rundown of Avalanche history.

That history began at the start of the 1995-96 season when the Quebec Nordiques moved to Denver and continued operations there as the Avalanche – so really, just go back and read up my all-time team article on the Nordiques (from May 2017). To put things bluntly, a Cup-contending team was delivered right on the front doorstep of those lucky Colorado hockey fans and with the midseason blockbuster trade for goaltender Patrick Roy the final piece of the championship puzzle had been assembled. With multiple Hall of Famers on their roster (Roy, Joe Sakic, Peter Forsberg), it's little wonder why the team captured the Stanley Cup in their very first year.

As one of the dominant NHL teams of the late 1990's to early 2000's, the Avs were doing pretty fabulously. They were division champions in each of their first eight seasons and in the playoffs they made it to the semi-finals or better six times between 1996 and 2002. The franchise captured its second Stanley Cup in 2001. Around this time, the Avalanche developed a titanic rivalry with the Detroit Red Wings, the other dominant Western Conference team of the age. The two teams faced off in the playoffs five times from 1996 to 2002, with Colorado winning three of those matchups.

But by the 2005-06 season things had changed. The core of the championship lineups had gone – whether by trade or retirement – and the newly implemented NHL salary cap had forced Colorado to let go of a lot of its top talent. That season saw the Avalanche get swept in the second round of the playoffs by the Anaheim Mighty Ducks. In 2007 the Avs failed to qualify for postseason play for the first time ever (while at the same time becoming the first ever team to miss the playoffs despite amassing 95 points). Some free agent acquisitions helped boost the team back to postseason play for 2007-08, but the bottom fell out for Colorado the following season as they finished third-last in the league's regular season standings.

The next few years were a rebuilding phase for this franchise. This usually means a bunch of sub-par showings and the Avalanche's record during this time was no exception. Between 2009 and 2017 the team only qualified for the playoffs twice, despite a division championship resurgence in 2013-14 under their new head coach Patrick Roy. He resigned two years later. And yet during this time Colorado was slowly assembling a team of talented young guns, taking full advantage of its favourable draft picks: Gabriel Landeskog in 2011, Nathan MacKinnon in 2013, Mikko Rantanen in 2015, and Cale Makar in 2017. Add to that some wise trades deals – Nazem Kadri in 2019 and Darcy Kuemper in 2021 – and you've got a high-scoring, competitive team that had no problem returning to playoff glory. This team, which hasn't missed the postseason since 2017, finished with the NHL's best regular season record in 2020-21 and won its third Stanley Cup championship the following year.

In its twenty-six seasons the Colorado Avalanche have eleven division championships, eighteen playoff appearances, and three Stanley Cup finals appearances, all of which ended in victory.

Today this article will pay tribute to the best players that this franchise has to offer throughout its history since 1995. Only players' achievements during their time with Colorado will be considered for this roster and they must have played a minimum of 240 games with this team to have qualified (sorry, Cale Makar). Let's begin.

Forwards

L-R: Forsberg, Sakic, MacKinnon


Left Wing

Centre

Right Wing

Alex Tanguay (1999-2006, 2013-16)

Joe Sakic (1995-2009)

Mikko Rantanen (2015-present)

Gabriel Landeskog (2011-present)

Peter Forsberg (1995-2004, 2008-11)

Milan Hejduk (1998-2013)

Valeri Kamensky (1995-99)

Nathan MacKinnon (2013-present)

Claude Lemieux (1995-99)

Cody McLeod (2007-17)

Ryan O'Reilly (2009-15)

Dan Hinote (1999-2006)

First line: top scorers only. First we've got Alex Tanguay the 5-time 20 goal scorer (and 4x60 points). Next to him is all-time franchise points leader Joe Sakic with 1015 total points, two 50-goal seasons, and three 100-point seasons. (Joe Sakic was previously chosen for my all-time Quebec Nordiques team.) Rounding out the first line is the point-per-game playmaker Miko Rantanen who so far has thrice managed 55+ assists. On the second scoring line is the sniper Milan Hejduk with three 30-goal seasons (including one season with 50 tallies). His linemates are the gritty, two-way player Gabriel Landeskog (8x50 points) and unstoppable set-up man Peter Forsberg (0.92 assist per game, 1.30 points per game) who was one of the greatest forwards of his time. As for the third line we have the Avs current career points leader Nathan MacKinnon fresh off his fourth 80+ point season (1.31 points per game in the past five seasons). On his left is Valeri Kamensky, a vital component of the 1996 championship team (3x65 points), and on his right is everyone's (least) favourite pest Claude Lemieux. On the final line there's enforcer Cody McLeod, two-way expert Ryan O'Reilly (3x50 points), and penalty killer Dan Hinote.

Honourable mentions: Matt Duchene, Ian Laperriere, Paul Stastny, Stephane Yelle

Defencemen

L-R: Ozolinsh, Foote


Rob Blake (2001-06)

Adam Foote (1995-2004, 2008-11)

Tyson Barrie (2012-19)

Sandis Ozolinsh (1995-2000)

Greg de Vries (1998-2003)

Erik Johnson (2011-present)

This all-time team's defensive corps is headlined by the tough and dependable Adam Foote (only three full seasons with a negative +/-) and Rob Blake, playmaker (averaged 37 assists per season) and world-class checker. (Adam Foote was previously selected for my all-time Nordiques team as well.) On the next pair is a couple more d-men who were capable of chipping in offensively: Tyson Barrie (averaged 39 assists per season) and Sandis Ozolinsh (4x50 point seasons, only one negative +/- season). The third pairing provides some stay-at-home toughness on the blueline from the likes of de Vries and Johnson.

Honourable mentions: Alexei Gusarov, Jon Klemm, Nikita Zadorov


Goaltenders

Roy


Patrick Roy (1995-2003)

Semyon Varlamov (2011-18)

No contest here. St. Patrick was my pick as best Canadiens' goalie of all-time (September 2021) and he's easily the best Avalanche goalie of all-time too. In his seven full seasons in Colorado Roy never played less than 60 games, never won less than 31 games, never had a save percentage of less than 0.913, and recorded 34 shutouts. He was selected to play in five all-star games and was named playoff MVP in 2001. As far as Colorado hockey history goes, no one else comes close.

Friday 18 March 2022

Bond Film Rankings Redux

 This list took far too long to write. My bad.


You knew this was coming, and not just because I mentioned it in my review of No Time To Die. Way back in March/April 2016 I gave my personal rankings of all the official James Bond movies. That was six years ago and since then I've rewatched them all – yes, even Die Another Day – and there's been a new movie released. So have my opinions on these films changed in the past six years? Yes, obviously! But how exactly have they changed? Did they rise or fall? Which movies do I appreciate more? Which ones don't I like as much anymore? And where does NTTD fit into all this? Let's find out!


  1. Die Another Day (position change from last time: -1)

Yep, six years later and I'm still unimpressed. You remember how silly superhero movies were in the 1990's? That's what Die Another Day reminds me of: a film that's trying so hard to be cool but is too silly to take seriously. The one good thing I can say about this film is that it is very reminiscent of the 007 video games that were released around that same time period, with the outlandish plots, fanciful gadgets, and improbable action scenes – not to mention the bad CGI. This might be an OK movie to watch when I'm feeling nostalgic for my bright-eyed preteen years – so I guess you could say that I don't hate it as much as I used to – but regardless Die Another Day isn't a movie I feel like watching often.


  1. Quantum of Solace (-5)

The second Bond movie of the Daniel Craig era takes a steep fall in my rankings since last time for two reasons. The first is, as I've complained many times before, it isn't always a pleasant movie to watch because of the incomprehensible action scenes and the obnoxious editing. The second is that there simply isn't much to this movie story-wise. The development of Quantum of Solace's script may have been affected by the 2007 Writer's Guild strike and it shows in the lacklustre plot and the forgettable villains (although I did think the ending was alright). What we end up with is a 106 minute sequel to a 144 minute film that at the same time tries to be more than it is with an unsuitably artsy direction and a half-baked environmental message. The result is a messy flick that's just as confusing as its title suggests.


  1. Moonraker (same)

The reason I don't like Moonraker much is because it has too much in common with Die Another Day: the outlandish plot, lousy humour, and overall campiness. Aside from that, Bond and Holly Goodhead have no chemistry, Jaws is an unimposing bore, and the whole thing lacks originality: the same tired 007 formula (and basically the same plot as The Spy Who Loved Me) trying to chase after that Star Wars popularity. The reason it's not last place is that Hugo Drax does make for an fine villain and the film boasts some impressive set design and special effects for its time.


  1. The Man With the Golden Gun (-5)

TMWTGG is another movie that's taken a sharp dive in my personal rankings since 2016 which doesn't surprise me at all. Aside from Christopher Lee's coolness and the jaw-dropping corkscrew car jump there's really not much about this flick to draw me back since most of the rest is lame comedy, ripping off kung fu movies, and an uninspired performance by Roger Moore. There's not much The Man With the Golden Gun does better than any other Bond movie and as such it's a film I pretty much only watch if I'm doing some sort of marathon or watch-through.


  1. A View to a Kill (+1)

Yeah, A View to a Kill still isn't great but I don't view it quite as unfavourably as I did before. My previous complaints haven't changed: the setup is boring at first, the Bond chick Stacey Sutton is kind of useless, and Moore is getting too old for this crap. But on the other hand I can't help but admire how bizarre the whole experience is. There's that weird genetic/steroid experimentation subplot, that over-the-top firetruck chase scene, the obvious stunt doubles, and of course Christopher Walken, who might just be the straight-up craziest Bond villain ever. When I'm in the right mood for it A View to a Kill can be an entertaining movie, but that doesn't make it a good movie.


  1. Spectre (-9)

And here we have the movie that's fallen the furthest in my Bond film rankings: Spectre. In some ways this was inevitable; when I did the previous rankings list I had only seen Spectre once and it was five months prior to the writing of that article and thus I was mainly judging it based on my first impressions. But in the five years since then successive viewings have really put this film into perspective for me and now I think it's a pretty average, unremarkable 007 film. Making Blofeld Bond's adoptive brother – and then not going anywhere with it – was a boneheaded move. (Also how am I supposed to take Blofeld as a serious threat when he wears ankle-exposing pants, no socks, and shoes with no laces?) The romance wasn't all that convincing, the plot is pretty standard, and the action, while not bad, isn't very memorable. The one problem that I believe has plagued every Daniel Craig-era movie is that they focus on the continuity and world-building at the expense of making each film complete in their own right. Aside from some great cinematography, a dramatic theme song, and an expert performance from Craig there isn't much about Spectre that stands out to me.


  1. Tomorrow Never Dies (+1)

Tomorrow Never Dies moves up one spot mostly because other films moved lower on this list. My opinion hasn't changed much. With mostly bland settings, a lame-ass villain, and an overemphasis on all-out action over intrigue and stealth, TND remains an average Bond film for me. However there are still things about this movie that are enjoyable. I like how Elliot Carver, as unimposing as he is, has a sense of humour. While the film is very action-heavy the action scenes are done rather well – my favourites are the car chase in the parkade and the motorcycle chase in Ho Chi Minh City. While lacking in chemistry with Bond, Wei Lin is still a kickass Bond girl. And while it didn't amount to much I do like how the film tried something different with Bond returning to a past lover. All in all, Tomorrow Never Dies is a mixed bag that could've been better.


  1. Octopussy (+3)

Probably the biggest surprise as I made up this list is how much more I like Octopussy than I did before. Repeat viewings have led me to conclude that this one may not be as average as I once thought. First off, India makes for a pretty unique and interesting setting – it makes one wish more movies took place there! The assortment of villains is excellent with the intimidating Gobinda, the slimy yet smooth Kamal Khan, and the slightly unhinged General Orlov. The title character is a splendid addition, arguably the best bond girl of the Roger Moore films with their decent chemistry, and she's no slouch either: with her henchmen, secluded lair, and self-defence skills she could easily have qualified for a bond villain herself. Top it all off with some cool stunt work, like with the fight scenes atop a moving train or even atop a flying airplane! I was wrong before; this movie ain't half-bad!


  1. Dr. No (-1)

Coming in at almost the same spot is the one that started it all: Dr. No. When you compare it to the almost sixty years' worth of action movies since it's easy to see this film as quaint and kind of campy. While I must admit that there isn't much Dr. No does better than any other Bond film it still has an undeniable charm to it, and the the coolness of its main character – and especially his introductory scene – still makes for a decent watch.


  1. Diamonds Are Forever (+2)

I never thought I'd say this but I think I like Diamonds Are Forever more than Dr. No. It probably just took me a little bit to get over the campiness of it all. I can now appreciate the film's (at times) bizarre sense of tongue-in-cheek humour, this devious and arrogant version of Blofeld (played by Charles Gray) has really grown on me, and the assortment of villains is quite entertaining. Sean Connery still manages to give one more magnetic performance as agent 007 and Jill St. John is a fun addition as Tiffany Case. All in all Diamonds Are Forever is more enjoyable than I originally thought and is serviceable entertainment. It's basically Austin Powers but without the stupidity.


  1. No Time To Die

Coming in at 15th is the most recent Bond flick, No Time To Die, and as you can see I'm a lot more reserved in my ranking of the new film this time around. I think it's just because I'm a little more cautious with how I've compared this against all the other twenty-four movies. But that doesn't mean that I'm any less enthusiastic about how I view No Time To Die. With some great action scenes, dazzling cinematography, and fine characters NTTD is a pretty good addition to the series and a suitable end to the Daniel Craig era. If it weren't for Bond's out-of-character dialogue, the villain's unclear goals, and the over-the-top premise this film would have ranked even higher. For more detail, check out my full review from October.


  1. The Spy Who Loved Me (+1)

Not much has changed with my opinions of The Spy Who Loved Me, probably the most popular of the Roger Moore 007 films. As such I really don't have much to say in addition to what I wrote back in 2016. It's a fine movie with good heroes, exhilarating action, a fun story, decent theme song, but lacklustre villains. Good enough to take it almost to the halfway point of this list.


  1. For Your Eyes Only (+1)

Since 2016 I've rewatched For Your Eyes Only multiple times and I've decided that this movie is awesome – dumbass opening scene notwithstanding. The outlandish plots of previous films were reigned in to tell a more down-to-earth story with more believable action scenes and a compelling bond girl in Melina Havelock. But what I've really grown to appreciate are this film's locations: Greece and the Italian Alps are fascinating places to set a spy film, and seeing Bond partake in winter sports never gets old. All in all, FYEO is an excellent entry in the 007 series, one that you oughtta watch!


  1. Live and Let Die (same)

Six years later and here I am still convinced that Live and Let Die is the best of the Roger Moore era 007 films. It remains the most different of the Bond movies and if the whole British-secret-agent-in-a-blaxploitation-movie thing isn't your cup of tea then I understand but for me this is a welcome change of pace and it serves as an enjoyable first outing for Roger Moore in this series. In spite of – or possibly because of – its uniqueness Live and Let Die proved that the 007 series was capable of going on post-Connery and it continues to entertain to this day.


  1. The Living Daylights (-3)

The Living Daylights is unfortunately one of those films that's noticeably dropped in my rankings since last time. I say unfortunately because this is a film that I still very much like. Timothy Dalton's ruthless performance as Bond is a welcome change of pace, the settings (Cold War Central Europe, Afghanistan) are awesome and appropriate for the movie's period (1987), and I appreciate the (mostly) more serious tone. The only downside is that I've become more aware of the lack of a strong villain character; Whitaker and Koskov aren't all that intimidating or threatening. It's true that there are a few more 007 films that I've grown to appreciate more, but nevertheless The Living Daylights still manages to capture my attention every time.


  1. The World Is Not Enough (+3)

Starting off the Top 10 of my list is The World Is Not Enough, a movie that gets better every time I see it. This one has all the things that were great about the Pierce Brosnan era: the one-liners, the over-the-top gadgets that verge on being silly, the henchman with a gimmick, Bond's personal drama, and some tongue-in-cheek self-awareness (Denise Richards is a nuclear physicist – just go with it). You've also got some memorable side characters – M, the new Q, Zukovsky, Robinson, Bullion – some exciting action scenes, and even a female villain, a rarity in this series. I'll admit that sometimes it seems that the over-the-top nature of the action and plot can sometimes conflict with the seriousness that the film tries to go for – something that the later Craig-era films did better – but The World Is Not Enough is still a great underrated Brosnan-era Bond film.


  1. Thunderball (same)

Remaining at number nine is the 1965 classic Thunderball. Please excuse this brief description but there's not much I can say about it that I haven't already. It was a good movie then and it's a good movie now. 'Nuff said.


  1. License to Kill (+2)

In a move that surprises me, License to Kill has replaced The Living Daylights as my preferred Timothy Dalton Bond film. As was the case with the latter film this one continues acknowledging the trends of its time period – the War on Drugs, hyper-violent action films, explosions, televangelists – and plays them off of Dalton's intense and cynical portrayal of Bond and it works so much better this time around, even if it does every so often seem like the film is grasping at the coattails of Scarface. The story of Bond's revenge for what happened to the Leiters is a welcome deviation from the typical 007 plot. It also helps that it has a compelling pair of Bond girls as well as some of the series' best action scenes ever (how could one forget that tanker truck chase scene?). License to Kill is a Bond film for the ages.


  1. You Only Live Twice (-1)

This is the movie you go to when you want some all-out, high stakes action from the classic 007 entries. You Only Live Twice has it all: exotic locations, threatening villains, ninjas, exciting action, and dazzling set design: you know, all the things that Austin Powers copied. Really the only thing YOLT is missing is some memorable Bond girls and a little more vitality to Sean Connery's performance; these things could have elevated it to #4. But as it is You Only Live Twice is still makes for an excellent spy adventure.


  1. GoldenEye (-1)

After six years of no 007 films this one comes along and totally breathes new life into the series. GoldenEye has it all: a pulse-pounding opening scene that brilliantly introduces us to the new Bond actor, an expertly-crafted tone throughout, a riveting ensemble of villains, a proficient Bond girl in Natalya Simonova, some intense fight scenes, a high stakes villain plot, and a cool, confident debut performance from Pierce Brosnan. In addition we're treated to likeable new supporting characters who would turn up in successive films, such as Valentin Zukovsky, Jack Wade, and Judi Dench's M. I don't even mind the much-maligned scoring. GoldenEye was the near-perfect start of a new era for 007 and for many filmgoers it made the series matter again.


  1. On Her Majesty's Secret Service (-1)

I still think On Her Majesty's Secret Service is an upper-tier Bond film and I watch it frequently enough – after all, it's the closest the series has to a Christmas movie. The action is intense by 1960's standards, the locations are dazzling, the score sets the tone excellently, and the performances are all great... except I find that my appreciation of George Lazenby has diminished slightly. “Same ball park as Connery?” Yeah right. Lazenby wasn't terrible – especially for a first-time actor – but he didn't exactly have the nuance and attention to detail we'd see with other 007 actors. It also didn't help that his lone 007 film demanded a lot from him as far as emotional displays goes. Despite this OHMSS can be enjoyed by just about any action movie fan.


  1. From Russia With Love (+3)

Much like with The World Is Not Enough, From Russia With Love is a film that only gets better every time I watch it. FRWL is twice as thrilling as its predecessor, with a lot more tension – assassin Red Grant posing as Bond's associate on the Orient Express – but still some neat action scenes like the fight at the gypsy camp and the speed boat chase. Sean Connery is on fire in this film building upon the coolness established in Dr. No – and with a surprising amount of intensity too. Casting is also on point with the ensemble of villains we get to see, as well as Daniela Bianchi playing Tatiana Romanova. In many ways From Russia With Love is the film that really established the 007 series' look and method going forward, the one against which all successive films would be compared. And with a movie like this I'd say they set the bar pretty high.


  1. Skyfall (same)

I'd say that Skyfall is easily the most popular Bond film of my lifetime: the one that plays on TV all the time, the one that everybody saw when it was in theatres, the only film of the series to have grossed over a billion dollars at the box office. For a lot of my friends this is the only Bond film they've ever seen. And if you're only ever going to watch just one 007 movie (what the hell is wrong with you?) then Skyfall is a very good candidate. Not only does it have the exciting edge-of-your-seat action moments, a fine story, a outstanding villain, gorgeous cinematography, and top notch performances from Judi Dench and Daniel Craig, but it also has the advantage of not being bogged down by continuity; unlike the other Craig-era films you can watch this one on its own and not miss anything important. But for those of you who do pay close attention, you'll be pleased at the multitude of subtle references to the past Bond films in this 50 year anniversary adventure. All in all, Skyfall is a fitting tribute to one of action cinema's greatest franchises and is one of the very best this series has to offer. My appreciation for it has only grown, but alas not enough to put it past the next film on this list.


  1. Goldfinger (same)

Five years later and I'm still trying to come up with something unique to say about Goldfinger. It's regarded by many to be the best in the series and for good reason. Connery's performance as James Bond is spot on and cool and you can tell he's having a blast playing this character. The cocky but clever Auric Goldfinger, the domineering Oddjob, and the graceful, no-nonsense Pussy Galore make up what's arguably the series' most memorable supporting cast. The action and stunts are spectacular and give us just the right amounts of suspense balanced against just the right amount of levity. Top it all off with an unforgettable theme song, eye-catching sets, and brilliant villain scheme and you've got one hell of a 007 movie. With this third entry the series had now fully hit its stride, making Goldfinger the (gold) standard that all subsequent Bond films would be measured against.


  1. Casino Royale (same)

That's right, my top three movies didn't change at all from last time. Coming in at number one is that Bond film that I can't stop talking about on this blog: Casino Royale. You're probably sick of me gushing about how gripping the opening scene is, how cool the credits sequence is, how riveting the action is, and how pitch-perfect the acting is. Since 2016 I've come to appreciate other aspects of Casino Royale like its beautiful photography and the character progression of Bond. It also has unquestionably the best romance of the series (yes, even better than Spectre & No Time To Die). In the mid-2000's people were unsure of whether the 007 series needed a reboot, but looking back I believe it was the correct choice – for better or worse – and Casino Royale was a great start to a new era of Bond. I eagerly await the day another film in this franchise can approach this one's excellence. (I mean I know there was Skyfall but... you know what I'm saying.)

Saturday 23 October 2021

Movie Review -- No Time To Die


 Time, Mr. Craig? Is it really that time again? It seems as if you only just arrived. You've done a great deal in a small time span. So it's only fitting that you go out with a bang, wouldn't you say? Yes the time for No Time To Die has finally come. After nearly two years of anxious waiting this damned film finally saw theatres and at last we can take in what is Daniel Craig's last outing as agent 007. His filmography in this series has been uneven so far, so does No Time To Die end his run on a high note? Let's take a look.

After an opening scene split into two parts – a flashback and a scene that happens right after the end of Spectre – NTTD picks up five years later with a retired James Bond living in Jamaica. He's approached by the CIA – and discouraged by MI6 – to assist in the search for a missing scientist who's developed a nanotechnology weapon that can kill pre-programmed targets. The trail leads him to some shadowy organizations and forces him to reconsider his lover Madeleine Swann. Honestly, this is a plot that has more in common with Mission Impossible films than Bond films: a generic spy movie premise, fanciful sci-fi situations, a story that focuses on the hero's personal life, and the highest stakes possible.

Nevertheless there is still the old 007 familiarity that accompanies No Time To Die, from the gunbarrel opening to the customary supporting characters and everything in between. Seriously, there are a ton of references and callbacks in this film, including but not limited to musical themes, models of cars, lines of dialogue, and portraits on walls. Try to spot them all! We even get the welcome return of post-kill one-liners and those henchmen who are based around one particular gimmick. And of course there's some great action scenes throughout put on dazzling display thanks to the capable cinematography and the often simplistic, yet lived-in looking set design. I especially loved the last 40 minutes or so: it includes this one gunfight in a stairway that's up close, consists of long shots, and is relentlessly intense. It beats any action scene found in Spectre by a mile.

While the acting is fine across the board the characters are a bit of a mixed bag. For instance, Rami Malek delivers the creepiness as villain Lyutsifer Safin (real subtle with the name there...) but after his chilling introduction his subsequent appearances have diminishing returns, not helped by the fact that his endgame remains a little unclear. Lashana Lynch shows up as Nomi, the new agent 007 since Bond's retirement. Her character's not so bad though she could have used a bit more development. On the other hand we have Ana de Armas as the inexperienced, yet effervescent agent Paloma. Her appearance in NTTD is brief but delightfully fun.

But perhaps the most surprising performance comes from Daniel Craig himself. In contrast to Craig's usual Bond exploits, No Time To Die's Bond is much more talkative, jokey, and expressive than the cool, steely agent we've seen before. Although some might argue this is because Bond's personal life plays a bigger role in NTTD, it still doesn't quite seem right.

As far as overall quality goes I'd rank No Time To Die squarely in the middle of Daniel Craig's 007 films. (Expect an updated Bond films rankings sometime soon!) While it doesn't hit the highs set by Casino Royale and Skyfall, it's at least better than Quantum of Solace and its predecessor Spectre thanks to its more exciting action, more colourful characters, and more memorable story. If it weren't for Craig's atypical performance, the fantastic premise, and the bloated length – not to mention the forgettable theme song – this could have been truly great. But as it is No Time To Die is a suitable end to the Craig era of Bond. Mission accomplished.

Grade:



Wednesday 1 September 2021

All-Time Team: Montreal Canadiens (1909-present)

  Well shoot, it's time to do another all-time line-up for an NHL team. Traditionally I put together a team roster made up of the best ever players from the most recent Stanley Cup-winning franchise but this year's champions, the Tampa Bay Lightning, were repeats. So go read last year's article and then come back here where I'm assembling a team from this year's runner-ups: the Montreal Canadiens (AKA the Habs), an Original Six team that's been around for over a century. Strap yourselves in. But first, an abbreviated history. 
  The oldest active pro hockey team in the world, the Canadiens were founded in 1909, eight years before the NHL. As part of the National Hockey Association (NHA) it was set up as the league's French-speaking team for francophone fans and players. They started out as badly as most expansion teams do but by 1913-14 they were qualifying for the post-season, capturing their first Stanley Cup in 1916 against the Portland Rosebuds. But the NHA met its end the following year and this led to the founding of the NHL, made up of the Canadiens, Montreal Wanderers, Ottawa Senators, Quebec Bulldogs, and the Toronto Blueshirts (who would later become the Toronto Maple Leafs). After relocating home arenas – upon the Montreal Arena's burning down in 1918 – the Canadiens, now Montreal's only NHL team, won the 1918-19 NHL championship. However this was before the NHL owned the Stanley Cup and the Habs' campaign against the Seattle Metropolitans was cut short due to the Spanish Flu pandemic, resulting in no Cup winner that year. 
  Montreal didn't qualify for the playoffs for the next three seasons but soon found themselves back in post-season action in 1923 – and would only miss the playoffs six times in the following 76 years! 1923-24 saw the debut of the NHL's first true superstar, the high-scoring Howie Morenz who led the Habs to their 1924 Stanley Cup victory. That same year saw the Canadiens play their first game against the Boston Bruins starting one of hockey's longest rivalries. The 1925-26 season did not start well as Montreal's longtime goaltender Georges Vezina collapsed during the first game and was sent to hospital. He died from tuberculosis four months later and the league created the Vezina Trophy in his honour. The Canadiens did not make the playoffs that season. Apart from that, the late 1920's/early 1930's were good times for Montreal: they found a new home in the Montreal Forum (where they would stay for the next 70 years), Morenz became the first ever 50-point scorer (in 43 games), and the team beat out the heavily favoured Bruins to win the Stanley Cup in 1930 which they would recapture the following year. 
  However the Great Depression hit Montreal's franchise quite hard, with declining attendance and revenue compounded by the team's sagging performance. Management was forced to trade away Morenz to reduce costs and the team narrowly avoided being moved to Cleveland when it was put up for sale in 1935. The new owners were able to get Morenz back in 1936 but he tragically died later that same year as a result of an on-ice injury. Things didn't improve for the Canadiens in the next few seasons, with the club finishing low in the standings, barely making the playoffs. The franchise was sold again and the new owners decided in 1940 to bring in a new head coach, Dick Irvin, who had previously coached the Toronto Maple Leafs to great success. 
  The impact of the Second World War proved serendipitous for the Montreal Canadiens; they were one the few teams whose rosters weren't heavily affected by enlistment/conscription. Under the guidance of Irvin, and the goal production of the Punch Line – which included the league's top three scorers Toe Blake, Elmer Lach, and Maurice Richard – the Habs' performance swiftly improved with regular season dominance and two Stanley Cup victories in 1944 and 1946. Superstar Maurice Richard famously became the first player to ever score 50 goals in 50 games, a feat that's only been (officially) repeated by four other NHL players since. Richard had become a hero in Quebec, so much so that his suspension in 1955 caused a riot. The Canadiens remained competitive throughout the late 1940s and early 1950s as they slowly assembled the pieces of a dynasty team, introducing goaltender Jacques Plante in 1953, acquiring Jean Beliveau for good that same year, and assigning Toe Blake as head coach in 1955. The results were immediate; with one of the best lineups in NHL history the Habs made the Stanley Cup finals an astounding ten years in a row (1951-60) and won five consecutive Cups from 1956 to 1960, a record that still stands to this day. 
  This period also marked the highpoint of the classic Canadiens-Maple Leafs rivalry. The two teams faced off in the postseason six times between 1960 and 1967 with three series wins apiece – including one win apiece in the Cup finals. As the only two Canada-based NHL teams at the time it was seen as a stand-in for the tensions between French-speaking and English-speaking Canada, as well as a competition between the country's two largest cities. 
  In 1964 Sam Pollock took over as Montreal's general manager. His strategy of trading away aging players to expansion teams for draft picks paid off enormously; within a few years his team had managed to pick up legendary players such as Ken Dryden, Guy Lafleur, and Larry Robinson. It was during this transitional phase that the Canadiens won six Stanley Cups in a nine year period between 1965 and 1973, but the best was yet to come. With coach Scotty Bowman at the helm, impenetrable defence, and with no less than nine Hall of Fame players on their roster, the Montreal Canadiens of the late 1970's proved to be the greatest team in NHL history. Not only did they win four straight Stanley Cups (1976-79) but they set new records for most wins (60), most points (132), and fewest losses (8) in an 80-game season in 1976-77. Guy Lafleur led the league in scoring three consecutive years and goaltender Ken Dryden allowed the fewest goals for four consecutive years. So overwhelming was Montreal's dominance that Dryden remarked to The Hockey News that he was starting to get bored at the lack of competition! 
  By the 1980's many of the late-70s Habs players had retired or been traded and new NHL dynasties – the New York Islanders and the Edmonton Oilers – had taken the spotlight, but Montreal was still a powerhouse team thanks to its shut-down defensive corps and respectable offence. The team made the playoffs every year that decade and won the Stanley Cup in 1986 thanks to some top-notch play from rookie goaltender Patrick Roy who would go on to become a franchise player. The 80's also saw the emergence of a bitter, often violent, rivalry with the only other French-speaking NHL team, the Quebec Nordiques who entered the NHL in 1979 as part of the WHA merger. The two teams met in five playoffs series between 1982 and 1993. 
  The early 1990's promised more of the same for Montreal fans with robust playing and consistent playoff appearances. The Canadiens were eliminated from the first or second round by the Boston Bruins four times from 1990 to 1994, but they managed to win the Stanley Cup against the favoured Los Angeles Kings in 1993 (which remains to this day the most recent Cup victory by a Canada-based team). Unfortunately a series of bad trades in the early-to-mid 1990s had gutted the team's core, dealing away such players as Chris Chelios, Eric Desjardins, John LeClair, Kirk Muller, Patrick Roy, and Pierre Turgeon. Consequently, the Habs began to sink in the standings. From 1994 to 1998 they won only one playoff series and failed to even qualify for post-season play from 1999 to 2001. For the first time in 60 years the Montreal Canadiens... weren't very good. 
  By 2001-02 the club had a new arena, new owners, a new head coach, and a new starting goaltender, Jose Theodore, who helped lead the team back to the playoffs that year. The next few years would see sporadic playoff appearances until the team finally hit its stride in 2007-08, missing the post-season only once between 2008 and 2015 with some deep playoff runs in 2010 and 2014. After a brief rebuilding phase in 2017-19, the Habs have qualified for postseason play in the most recent two years, but just barely so. Time will tell if this is the franchise that can bring Lord Stanley's Cup back to the great white north. 
  So with that out of the way let's take a look at what the best possible team assembled from Canadiens players might look like. And with a franchise whose history is as extensive as this, there was quite a lot of research I had to do here but it was pretty fun. This roster we're about to look at – even the honourable mentions! – is made up of some of the greatest hockey players of all time: all 20 guys I've selected here are Hall of Famers. So here we have what I think are the best Canadiens players by position who have played at least 240 games with Montreal. Allons-y! 

Forwards

L-R: M. Richard, Lafleur, Geoffrion

Left Wing

Centre

Right Wing

Toe Blake (1935-48)

Jean Beliveau (1950-71)

Maurice Richard (1942-60)

Steve Shutt (1972-84)

Howie Morenz (1923-34, 1936-37)

Guy Lafleur (1971-85)

Dickie Moore (1951-63)

Elmer Lach (1940-54)

Bernie Geoffrion (1951-64)

Bob Gainey (1973-89)

Jacques Lemaire (1967-79)

Yvan Cournoyer (1963-79)


This was a difficult one. There's been so many great Canadiens forwards that I could probably make up an entire second all-time team out of all the ones that didn't make this list. Anyways here's the ones who did make the cut. On the first line we've got two-thirds of the Punch Line: Toe Blake – who upon retirement was the second highest scoring player in NHL history – and the legendary Maurice Richard who remains Montreal's goal scoring leader with 544 (including four seasons of 40 or more goals). Centring this line is Jean Beliveau, two-time MVP and the most respected player of his generation. On the second line we have Steve Shutt, a vigilant sniper who was lethal on the powerplay; Howie Morenz, speedy scorer and three-time MVP; and Montreal's all-time leading scorer Guy Lafleur (6x50 goals, 6x100 points). For the third line we have the third piece of the Punch Line, two-time leading scorer Elmer Lach. On his left is sniper and two-time leading scorer Dickie Moore; on his right is “Boom Boom” Geoffrion, a 50-goal scorer and innovator of the slapshot. And on the fourth line there's the speedy Yvan Cournoyer (4x40 goals, 6x70 points) with Bob Gainey, a defensive specialist (4-time Selke Trophy winner for best defensive forward), and Jacques Lemaire, a clean-playing two-way forward, backing him up. 
Honourable mentions: Vincent Damphousse, Aurel Joliat, Frank Mahovlich, Pete Mahovlich, Newsy Lalonde, Mats Naslund, Henri Richard, Bert Olmstead 

Defencemen

L-R: Robinson, Harvey

Larry Robinson (1972-89)

Doug Harvey (1947-61)

Serge Savard (1967-81)

Emile Bouchard (1941-56)

Guy Lapointe (1969-82)

Jacques Laperriere (1962-74)


You may have noticed that half of these D-men are all from the same era: the late 1970's dynasty. That team's defensive corps was a key ingredient to the Habs' success during that period so why not recreate it, right? This group of three includes the jack of all trades, Serge Savard; playmaker (6x50 points) and bodychecker Guy Lapointe; and one of the all-time greats Larry Robinson, who had only one full season with a +/- rating lower than +23. The other three are from earlier decades. First is Doug Harvey, whose fast skating and playmaking ability (6x30 assists) redefined the role of defenceman. Next is the tough, stay-at-home blueliner Emile Bouchard. And lastly is Jacques Laperriere whose shot-blocking and poke-checking skills helped Montreal win the Cup six times in his twelve years on the team.
Honourable mentions: Chris Chelios, Eric Desjardins, Sylvio Mantha, Andrei Markov 

Goaltenders

Roy

Patrick Roy (1985-95)

Jacques Plante (1952-63)


As usual this was a difficult call to make; the Habs have had a plethora of excellent goaltenders over the past century. I thought long and hard about this and I've decided to go with St. Patrick as the starter because I believe he made the most difference to the teams that he played on. Simply put, Montreal would not have won the Stanley Cup in 1986 and 1993 without him. Easily the NHL's best goalie from the late-80's to the early-90's, Roy won two Conn Smythe Trophies (playoff MVP), four Jennings trophies (least goals allowed), and three Vezina Trophies (best goaltender). And for backup we've got another player whose name often comes up when debating who's the greatest netminder of all time: Jacques Plante. Montreal's backstop for nine full seasons, Plante's innovative stickhandling and pitch-perfect standup play made him a vital component of the late-50's Canadiens dynasty. His seven 30-win seasons and six Vezina Trophies say it all. 
Honourable mentions: Ken Dryden, Bill Durnan, Carey Price

Saturday 10 July 2021

Video Game Retrospective -- Machine Games' Wolfenstein (Part 2)

 Wolfenstein II: The New Colossus (2017)

To start off, The New Colossus's main menu is plain black text on a white background. After a long loading time you're treated to an opening that will instantly wipe any smile off your face with depictions of domestic abuse, racist tirades, dog-shooting, and life-threatening surgery. First-time players will get the impression that Wolfenstein II is a game that takes itself very seriously (but that'll soon change). Five months after TNO B.J. Blazkowicz awakens from a coma crippled from his wounds sustained during the previous game's finale. The resistance has headquartered itself on the U-boat commandeered in the previous game and after expelling some pesky Nazi boarders they decide to sail to the USA to foment rebellion against the German occupation there. The main villain this time around is Frau Engel who somehow went from failed camp commandant in Croatia to minister of pretty much everything in the US. And yet apart from killing her, you accomplish surprisingly little during this game's story – although it does set up what will probably be a really awesome third game.

A lot of the plot also concerns Blazkowicz learning to deal with his troubled childhood and his own mortality. This is manifested by your limited health in the game's first half: only 50 points maximum. While this does make narrative sense it frustratingly makes the first several levels noticeably more difficult than expected, even going so far as forcing the player to adopt more cautious cover-based tactics. Combine this with B.J.'s poor decisions, rattled state of mind, fabulous eyelashes, and his emotional dependence on women and you get a protagonist who's rather frail by FPS standards. Thankfully this changes in the game's second half: BJ receives a new upgradeable body after surviving decapitation – don't ask – giving the player access to new abilities and further exploration.

The stealth sections of previous games return in overabundance; kill-the-commanders-first areas appear one after the other which is really unfortunate because I found this game's stealth to be more finicky than before. Enemies seem to spot you quicker and from a greater distance; half the time I'm found out I don't even know who spotted me. Multiple stealth areas have two commanders and these parts always place the second commander as obnoxiously far away from your starting position as possible. But once the shooting starts you've got plenty of options at your disposal. Not only is every weapon upgradeable but you can now dual wield almost any combination of weapons through the use of two clunky selection wheels that I tried to avoid using whenever possible. At least dual wielding doesn't slow you down any more and with the right weapons (shotguns, upgraded assault rifles) it turns you into an unstoppable juggernaut. Ammo is now picked up simply by walking over it – a welcome improvement – but armour still sometimes needs to be picked up manually (sometimes, at least). Melee is mostly unchanged, the only difference being that instead of a knife B.J. has started using a hatchet guaranteed to separate limbs from badguy bodies. Regardless of your methods, no enemy in The New Colossus simply falls down dead in one piece. Each kill results in plentiful gibs and buckets of blood splashing everywhere with all the subtlety of Machine Games' political views (more on that later).

While the gunplay remains alright the same can't be said of the level design. While the locations look great thanks to the new id Tech 6 engine, they have no variety at all. Save for the one level where you're walking through a small town's main street, every mission in this game can be described either as a sci-fi/industrial complex or a ruined city. That's it. The only thing keeping the levels from all blending together is the memory of how awful they were to play! This is due to two reasons: the aforementioned difficulty and their excessive length. Area 51 made me despair, Ausmerzer part 2 had me grinding my teeth, and the level on Venus was about the closest thing to digital misery that I've experienced. The only saving grace is that you're able to simply run through some of these overly-long levels without even fighting the enemies, something I found myself doing frequently. In short, TNC's missions make me want to puke and there's not a single one that I look forward to replaying.

This game's hub level, the submarine, isn't as frustrating but equally as perplexing. Like the resistance headquarters in TNO, the submarine is where you'll go to explore, read stuff, eavesdrop on other characters, etc. It scarcely resembles the sub seen in the previous game, with wide open areas, individual suites, and cavernous rooms that more closely parallel an aircraft carrier. And once you learn of the shenanigans and drama that go on here, this place will start to remind you of a trailer park.

You can chalk that up to the game's writing, which could have seriously used another edit or two. Idiot logic abounds. The resistance – the hope of all free men – routinely sends out pregnant and intoxicated soldiers to carry out dangerous missions, barely knows how to sail a submarine, gets really drunk the night before an important mission, and apparently never cared to check and see if there were any remaining Germans hiding on board the boat when they first captured it five months earlier.

As if that wasn't bad enough, the game's humour is downright embarrassing. The jokes are lowbrow and crude, reminiscent of a stoner comedy. There's “jokes” of people getting high, people throwing up, and people having sex in unexpected places. On the sub alone we get not one, not two, but three instances of somebody stinking up a bathroom. There's also numerous WTF moments where the game jumps the shark. One example is this cutscene late in the game in which you see a screaming topless pregnant woman drenched in blood while firing two submachine guns, a scene that's so over-the-top ridiculous that I'm sure it was reverse-engineered just to create this insane visual.

The game's interminable cinematics – which take up several hours of the game's length – suffer as a result. As mentioned earlier the story of The New Colossus deals with some heavy stuff but the serious moments keep getting interrupted and subverted by the stupid humour and cutscenes that try jamming too many different story elements together. The tone and pacing of any given moment is a total crapshoot.

And lastly I have to mention the political overtones. The game tries very hard to make some connection between Nazism and US culture, as if to say that there's something about Americans or white people in general that might make them receptive to national socialism (even though half the US citizen NPCs you encounter clearly detest the new regime). When you notice the year this game was released it's not hard to see what they're really trying to get at – let's just say it rhymes with zonald gump. Female characters keep telling male characters how much they suck, communists are portrayed as freedom-loving heroes, and the badguys are always referred to as “Nazis” and nothing else. Never do you hear the words kraut, jerry, boche, or hun (more common names for Hitler's foot soldiers), and the only time you'll hear the word German is in reference to the language, not the nationality. When you consider all this in combination with the excessive gore you wind up with a game that takes self-righteous gratification in its simplistic portrayal of society, race relations, and occupation politics. Was this game written by a collective of Twitter addicts? Unlike some gamers I'm OK with having political themes in video games but don't make them so ham-fisted and one-sided that it becomes a nuisance.

There are plenty of other things I could complain about – the lacklustre collectibles, the obnoxious music, unlikeable characters – but I think I've made my case clear. Wolfenstein II was a huge disappointment. When it rigidly sticks to just letting you shoot badguys it's a fine game, but the problem is that you've got to wade through an unfair challenge, awful level design, a nonsensical story, sanctimonious politics, and dumbass humour in order to reach the fun parts. Just like TNO, TNC has alternate timelines but no way am I playing this thing again! I'll just watch the alternate cutscenes on YouTube.


Wolfenstein: Youngblood (2019)

The warning signs were there; gamers did not take kindly to Youngblood. I read the negative reviews and I saw the disenchanted YouTubers. I saw the 2.6 (out of 10) user score on Metacritic. And yet I played the game anyways and I must confess I actually kind of liked it. Maybe I was intrigued by the game's unique design or maybe it's because it compared favourably to the offensively joyless slog that came immediately before it. Either way my time spent with Youngblood was overall positive. Here's why.

Youngblood takes place in 1980. The USA has been liberated, Blazkowicz has killed Hitler -- unceremoniously, and offscreen as well --  and the Third Reich's domain now only covers Europe (again, this is probably being saved for Wolfenstein III). B.J. has disappeared from his Mesquite, Texas, home leaving behind Anya and their twin daughters Soph and Jess. The girls, along with Grace's daughter Abby, get word that he may have travelled to Neu-Paris to help the resistance there and so the three of them follow BJ's trail and lend their aid to liberate the city of lights.

The most immediate difference this game has to previous titles is that for the first time you're not playing as B.J. Blazkowicz, you play as either Jess (the stealthier sharpshooter type) or Soph (the in-your-face-brawler type). Since neither are seasoned killers like their dad, they need to learn effective soldiering as evidenced by the skills tree you'll progress through. Some of these skills you unlock are quite helpful such as the ones which allow collectibles to appear on your mini map or allow you to deal damage to foes by simply charging into them. However it can feel a bit clumsy at the start to not have basic skills such as the ability to dual wield. But on the plus-side, your character wears the power suit throughout the whole game, allowing you to double-jump, ground pound, and even go invisible for a few seconds.

But the one aspect of the Blazkowicz twins that stole everyone's attention was their personalities. On one hand they've got a down-to-earth folksiness to them reminiscent of their homeland, and on the other hand they're a couple of naive and sometimes crass teenagers. The banter between them seems really genuine for teenage siblings, full of awkward nerdiness and spunk yet occasionally ruminating on the current state of their world. Flashing a friendly hand gesture to the other sister will grant a “pep” bonus – such as increased health or armour – which triggers lines like “hell yeah, dude” or “you're slayin' it!” I can see how Jess and Soph might be grating for some players but the low-hanging fruit of Beavis and Butthead comparisons are unfair. To me the “terror twins” are endearingly dorky, truly one of Youngblood's highlights.

The gunplay has also been refined. To my recollection, there's only two weapons that can be dual-wielded which makes weapon switching faster and less complicated. The weapons are even more modular than before; you can customize the stock, receiver, muzzle, sights, and magazine using upgrades from different brands which can grant different bonuses. You can even apply different skins to your weapons – though it's a shame that the best skins are hidden behind paywalls. These upgrades are purchased using money which can be found throughout the game's world and attained using the series' most convenient pickup system yet. Money must be picked up manually but the pickup button's range is generous enough, and as for health, ammo, and armour all you have to do is walk over it. Amazing, isn't it? It took four tries but Machine Games finally got it right.

As mentioned earlier the game is set in the early 1980's because what isn't these days? I think retro 80's culture is more popular today than it was in the 80's! At least Youngblood doesn't beat you over the head with neon pink bikinis and Lamborghinis. Still, the game throws in some great understated synth-driven music and the collectibles are delightfully retro: 3.5 inch disks, 3D glasses, cassette tapes, and UVK (i.e. VHS) tapes. The vibe is more restrained and European in character which makes sense given the setting – there might be as much French and German spoken in this game as there is English, not to mention there isn't as much current-day political pandering this time around. (Although the readables do contain a Donald Trump joke because of course they do, haha haha, those never get old.)

But enough about the positives, let's get to the gripes. Aside from the new player characters Youngblood's other uniqueness is its structure and flow: it's an open world game. The ultimate objective is to get inside Lab X where B.J. is supposedly holed up but in order to enter it the Blazkowicz sisters need to infiltrate and deactivate all three of the “Brother” Towers' defence systems. Theoretically one could try tackling these levels right away but without any weapons upgrades and additional skills your chances aren't that great. So you've got to level yourself up by completing quests and incidental side missions. This gives rise to two problems; firstly, for most of the game there isn't much story going on. In fact, there isn't really a villain until the last level. What's worse, this makes the game repetitive and this isn't helped by the fact that the world you have to play in is pretty small. Giving players multiple paths to approach combat situations doesn't change the fact that they're going to be fighting enemies in the same exact locations again and again. You also don't have a map so getting lost can happen from time to time. Additionally, every level takes place on foot so there's not much variety to be found. After the first hour or two you'll have already experienced pretty much all this game has to offer aside from the more advanced skills and weapons upgrades.

The reason for this monotony comes from the fact that Wolfenstein: Youngblood was going after the “live services” trend that was popular late last decade in which non-linear games were made with repetitive gameplay loops in order to get players playing online day after day after day. Games of this genre – like Anthem and Fallout 76 – tend to be lifeless and boring and while Youngblood isn't nearly as bad as those games it's easy to spot their influence. Like other live service shooters, this one has bullet-sponge enemies with health bars above their heads, bugs and glitches, microtransactions, and gameplay boosters. But on the plus side it does have coop and can be purchased at a discount by the second player (the “buddy pass”). One could argue that since it's a spinoff and not a main game in the series Youngblood's unique game design is acceptable. But does it make the game fun? That's the real concern.

Personally I think this game is alright. This latest Wolfenstein game has its share of strengths as well as some weaknesses; it avoided the problems that plagued The New Colossus but its design was neither inspired nor captivating. As stated earlier I enjoyed my time with it but once the end credits rolled I felt no desire to replay it and I probably won't for some time. If nothing else, at least they didn't make any of those uninspired French surrender jokes.


So that's the Machine Games Wolfenstein saga. We've seen some ups and some downs. I'm eager to see what Wolfenstein III will be like but I also appreciate the developers' willingness to take a chance with the two spinoff games. Hopefully this series is one that can get back in the saddle and blow us all away like it's done before.