Movie Review -- Star Wars: The Last Jedi

  Another Star Wars movie? Ok, let's do this. 2015's Episode VII: The Force Awakens was pretty good, a healthy slab of light-hearted fun. Can The Last Jedi keep up the exciting pace and build upon the new stories set up by its predecessor?

  Short answer: not really.

  So the story is that the Resistance leadership is on the run from the First Order's fleet and Rey has to convince the hermit Luke Skywalker to help fight the badguys, as well as teach her in the ways of the Force of course. It's a story that accomplishes surprisingly little in spite of its two-and-a-half hour run time. This is partially due to the fact that about three-quarters of The Last Jedi is a ripoff/remake of The Empire Strikes Back. Seriously. Without getting too much into spoilers here's a brief list of things lifted straight off of Episode V:

• the majority of the film involves the insurgent leadership fleeing from an empire's fleet after evacuating their base,
• a group of heroes travel to a luxurious city to seek help in getting away from the badguy fleet,
• a submerged x-wing just outside an old Jedi master's hut,
• the wannabe Jedi apprentice enters a trippy cave of evil, and
• an old Jedi master refusing to train a young wannabe but giving in after having a chat with his ghost pal.

  For cryin' out loud, they even redid the Battle of Hoth! Except this time TLJ tries reassuring us that it isn't Hoth by having one random character go out of his way to remark that the white powdery stuff on the ground is salt, not snow. That makes it totally different, OK?! What's more, the series has mostly dropped the “resistance” label in favour of “rebels” – who now use the original trilogy's Rebel Alliance symbol. So yeah, the sequel trilogy is pretty much just straight remaking the original trilogy at this point.

  And could they at least be bothered to give this remake a good plot? Side characters come and go with little to no explanation: Paige Tico just shows up and we're already supposed to care about her whereas Benicio Del Toro's character inexplicably disappears from the film. In fact, Finn's whole subplot/adventure pretty much goes nowhere, seemingly just to set up a fight scene at the end. The film has not one, but two climaxes which could have been combined into one to save some run time, just sayin'. And to cap it all off, there's a scene in which a main character survives a near-death experience in what is without a doubt the stupidest and cheesiest moment in any Star Wars movie – including the prequels! I don't want to give away too much, but this one particular scene is so hokey that I half-expected Han Solo's ghost to pop up on screen and say, “Hey, audience. You believe in ______, right? Then why don't you clap your hands and help [him/her] out!”

  Some of these plot problems seem to be symptomatic of the Disney-fication of Star Wars; everything is frustratingly kid-friendly. Everything that happens in this film is explained in the most basic possible terms as if this was every character's first day in the Resistance navy. No detail is too small to clarify, no audience member too dumb. There's also a bunch of lame, forced humour reminiscent of the prequel trilogy. The only difference is that instead of bumbling droids, we've got General Hux and a bunch of CG Furbies (because Furbies are definitely something the world needed to be reminded of).

  Speaking of Disney, the SJW force is strong with the Last Jedi. Did anyone else find it kind of odd that almost all of the Resistance's commanding officers are human females? Normally this wouldn't bother me too much if it weren't for one character: Vice Admiral Holdo, played by Laura Dern. This purple-haired (seriously), t-shirt dress-clad character looks like she belongs in some sort of coming-of-age drama, not an action movie like Star Wars. She doesn't even have a badass English accent to lend her role some gravitas. I miss Mon Mothma.

  The rest of the characters are a mixed bag. Some, like Supreme Leader Snoke and Rose Tico are dull and not so interesting. However we do get to learn a lot more about Kylo Ren, perhaps the most engaging figure in this new trilogy. Additionally Mark Hamill's performance as Luke Skywalker is much more intense and nuanced than you may expect.

  The visuals of The Last Jedi are also of varying quality. There's a bunch of good-looking shots. The set design is top-notch and includes a lot of splashes of red. But remember in my Force Awakens review when I claimed that the promise of more practical effects over CG effects was a lie? I stand by that, and things on the FX front haven't changed much in TLJ. While the CG isn't bad (except on animals), some authentic tangibleness would be more greatly appreciated.

  In conclusion, The Last Jedi isn't a bad film; the fight scenes are excellent, the scoring is nice, and some of the characters are stimulating enough. Unfortunately the plot is an undercooked mess and the lack of originality is staggering. I fully understand why TLJ is getting so much hate from the fandom, but when considering the film's tone and presentation I'm beginning to think that this sequel trilogy is a set of Star Wars films that was simply made for a different type of audience in mind.

But at least we got to see where green milk comes from.

Grade:

Movie Review -- The Disaster Artist

  Oh hai, readers! I have announcement to make. The movie we're expecting has finally arrived! I'm not kidding; my friends and brothers and I are all big fans of 2003's The Room and ever since I heard that the tell-all book of that film's production, The Disaster Artist, was being adapted into a James Franco/Seth Rogen film I think I crapped my pants. (And yes, I have read the book, like, five times.) And now Christmas has come early, the wait is finally over, and I've got to say this is definitely the farthest I've ever driven to go see a movie. Limited releases... you drive me crazy. So did The Disaster Artist live up to expectations?

  Of course, whadya think?

  TDA is the hilarious and surprisingly emotional true story of how aspiring young actor Greg Sestero became friends with another aspiring actor and eccentric, mysterious weirdo Tommy Wiseau. After struggling to become actors through the usual Hollywood means the two decide to make their own independent movie, The Room, with Wiseau as director/writer/producer/executive producer/lead actor. The following ordeal tests both their friendship and their resolve. Just like the book it's based on, the story serves as a celebration of bold ambition and following one's dreams.

  There were a few changes the film made from the book though. There are events that didn't actually happen, there are events that went down differently, and a bunch of little fun oddities that were left out of the film entirely. For example, did you know that The Room actually went through three film crews and two script supervisors? I might have to write a “Book vs. Movie” article on this pretty soon because as is unfortunately the case with a lot of adaptations there was so much good stuff in the book that they couldn't possibly have put it all on the big screen. In other words, don't plan too much; it may not come out right.

  The cast is loaded with some pretty good talent here. First and foremost is James Franco as the bizarre Tommy Wiseau. Franco must have spent a long time studying Wiseau's oddities because he nails them The Disaster Artist. He's got Wiseau's speech, accent, mannerisms, and even his lazy eye down to a T. Everything is fine. Playing the role of Greg is James' brother Dave Franco. He does an OK job, but I found him to be too happy-go-lucky at times. For a young character who's struggling to find work he often seems too smiley and unflappable. Does he understand life? Rounding out the cast is such famous faces as Seth Rogen as script supervisor Sandy, Josh Hutcherson as Philip Haldiman (AKA “Denny”), and Alison Brie as Greg's girlfriend Amber as well as a bunch of cameo appearances from the likes of Sharon Stone, Zac Efron, Bryan Cranston, Judd Apatow, and even Tommy Wiseau himself (post-credits). It's as if Franco invited all his friends. Good thinking.

  That's right, James Franco also directed TDA. He does a pretty good job with a couple exceptions. One is that the film opens with several actors/comedians giving their thoughts on the “genius” behind The Room and its creator. I thought it was just a little unnecessary and pretentious. They should've left their stupid comments in their pockets. There's also frequent use of handheld wobbly camera, which is OK for emphasizing the Room's chaotic production scenes, but not necessary for scenes like when Greg is leaving his parents' house for Los Angeles. At least Franco made sure to cram in plenty of The Room's memorable lines.

  In short, The Disaster Artist is a joy to behold. It's the downright hilarious, bizarre, feel-good movie of the year. It's a shame it didn't get a wider release; they could've gotten new clients and made a lot of money. Keep in mind you don't need to have read the book in order to get TDA. Do you need to have seen The Room first? I think it would definitely help, yes. If you've not seen the original film yet then this'll just be a quirky comedy to you. But seasoned Room veterans will find that The Disaster Artist will make the world a better place to live.

Grade:

The Real Deal -- Batman Forever (1995)

  Back in September I wrote an In Defence of... article for Batman & Robin (1997). Don't get me wrong, the movie is freakin' stupid but it has a certain dumb appeal to it. But 1995's Batman Forever is the real deal. It sucks and it doesn't even have the so-bad-it's-good factor working for it. It's simply bad with very few enjoyable elements to it.

  Imagine yourself in the theatre watching this in 1995. Perhaps you just rewatched the first two Batman films to get in the mood. You're fresh off those Tim Burton films' dark, moody tone and gloomy atmosphere. Then all of a sudden this Joel Schumacher mess throws you into a world of flamboyant campiness. Forever doesn't mesh at all with the preceding two films. In fact, it more closely resembles an episode of the 1960's TV show, but it's even more cartoony than that! There are bright neon colours everywhere, the music is bombastic, and everything looks very – I dunno – plastic, as if the film was made specifically to sell toys (which may not be far from the truth). Gotham City is no longer a gritty and grey metropolis, but now a flashy, lit up place with massive statues of naked folks that would make Las Vegas blush, all done in very fake-looking CG effects by the way.

  People often ridicule Batman & Robin for the bat-ass shot and the bat-nipples, but these blights to cinema were actually introduced to the series in Batman Forever along with tons of lame jokes to make the kids laugh. We get jokes about how “chicks love the car [batmobile]” and going to get drive thru whilst in the batmobile. There's also a scene where Robin uses karate to... do his laundry.

  So let's talk about the characters, starting with the titular hero. In my opinion Val Kilmer is the blandest actor to play Batman on film. He's pretty wooden and he often looks uninterested in what he's taking part in. On the total opposite end of the enthusiasm spectrum is Jim Carrey playing the roll of... let's face it: Jim Carrey. Ok, he's actually the Riddler but he does the whole Jim Carrey bit: making silly faces at the camera, talking in silly voices, basically just being a big manic man-child. His appearance is at times weird. In the climatic final battle he wears a sparkly leotard and has a ludicrous haircut. (On the film's poster he's doing this pose that I didn't know was possible in real life. His hands are palms-out at his shoulders, but his elbows are together. Can anyone here do that?) It's little wonder that Tommy Lee Jones, as the other villain Two-Face, didn't get along with Carrey during the filming. There's also the fact that he's Tommy Lee freakin' Jones! Why was he here? Instead of a tragic and interesting look at fallen white knight Harvey Dent, we're instead given just Joker lite whose goals in this film are a total enigma. He seems to be just a laughy, jokey dude who wants to kill Batman, I guess. Lastly, I have to mention Nicole Kidman as Dr. Chase Meridian, the main love interest. Her character goes beyond weird; she's just straight up horny for Batman. Dr. Meridian's got fetishes that makes me wonder if her character came from some teenager's fanfiction.

  The saddest thing is that Batman Forever tried elevating itself above its own campy tone by pitting it against a serious introspective tone, as one of the main plotlines concerns the psychology of Bruce Wayne and his duality in also being Batman. Or something like that; needless to say the two tones don't fit together very well. And yes, this involves a long drawn-out scene in which we see the origin of Batman once again (which was already shown to us in 1989's Batman).

  And no crappy movie is complete without a bunch of plotholes, right? For example, why are there trick-or-treaters at the Wayne mansion? Thought his mansion was out in the middle of nowhere and surrounded by iron fences and gates. Why is the password to the office-to-batcave pneumatic tube chair “chair”? It seems like a password that's very easy to guess/accidentally say; it's not that much different from making your computer password “password”. How did the Riddler get his flashy not-so-secret base built without anyone discovering his secret identity? Oh yeah, and Batman kills Two-Face at the end, which is peculiar since I thought he made a point about not killing people. But then again, he killed some dudes in the Burton films, so who knows?

  Of all the original quadrilogy Batman films (that series really needs an official name), this is the one I've watched the least simply because it's the least enjoyable. It's quite obvious that this instalment was meant to dumb things down to make it more easily digestible for a wider audience. So what we were left with was a frustratingly kid-friendly movie that didn't really break any new ground for the Batman series, unless you count campiness and stupid jokes which, honestly, Batman & Robin went further with and did more memorably. And when Batman & Robin isn't the worst film in the series, there's something seriously wrong.

  But at least Batman Forever gave the world the Batman thumbs up gif. Right?

Video Game Retrospective -- GoldenEye: Rogue Agent (2004), Part 2

And now, the thrilling conclusion to my look back at the most frustrating 007 video game of them all, GoldenEye: Rogue Agent.

  Next up is not-SPECTRE headquarters in an underwater lair called the Octopus, which sort of reminds me of Stromberg's base from The Spy Who Loved Me. Other than that, there's not much to say. The Octopus is just more of the same bland tedium found in the rest of the game. By the next level, Goldfinger's found out that Dr. No's home base is in Crab Key and dispatches GoldenEye there to kill the doctor and target the island for an OMEN strike. This is the only level that seems to open up into wide open spaces as you brainlessly sludge your way through the docks, around the mine, and finally into the base itself. There's two tanks guarding the base's entry doors, but if you activate your invincibility and sprint around them you can safely shoot rockets at their backs since they can't turn around for some reason. The level ends with a pretty good boss fight against Dr. No. Once he is dead, Goldfinger, believing the rogue agent to be too powerful to control – and revealing that he has plans to overthrow not-Blofeld to take over not-SPECTRE – betrays GoldenEye and leaves him to die in the OMEN strike. However GoldenEye manages to escape before the island is destroyed.

  With Scaramanga and Pussy's help, he returns to the volcano lair (straight outta You Only Live Twice) to confront Goldfinger. This is the final and most difficult level of the game. Not only is it ungodly long, but it's also the only level featuring the OMEN rifle. This weapon uses OMEN technology to fire glowing blue thingees that kill in just one hit (or two if you've got your invincibility shield active). The blue thingees can be dodged, but it's very biased. OMEN wielding enemies fire their guns very rapidly and if the blue thingees come anywhere near you you're dead. However when you use the rifle (which can only fire 3 shots before needing to reload, by the way) you don't get to fire rapidly, reload times are slow, and the enemies always seem to dodge the projectiles at a distance of anything more than 15 meters or so. My tactics for this level avoided using the OMEN rifle and involved a lot of hiding behind cover, a lot of grenade spamming, and very brief and careful poking of my head out to shoot for brief seconds lest I get hit by a stray OMEN blue glowing thingee. You have NPC allies at certain points but they're useless; they die quickly and only serve to momentarily distract the enemies.

  So you forge ahead through so many freakin' rooms, many of which are repeated multiple times. I should also mention that while Rogue Agent does have a checkpoint-respawn system, not all checkpoints are save points. So if you try leaving the game in the middle of one of its ceaselessly long levels, you may lose a bunch of progress when you come back. Finding this out was not fun, believe me. Eventually you make it to this wide round room with loads of badguys (including some OMEN gunners) pouring out of multiple doors. Cover is sparse, ammo is out in the open, enemies are constantly running around all over the place, and you can't go back since the door behind you closes. Unless you stay in the doorway and pick off badguys from afar (even this doesn't accomplish much) there's nowhere to hide. Once you enter that room, you're committed. I was stuck on this one room for over an hour before I gave up, threw the game disc against the wall, and watched a longplay on YouTube to see what I missed. It turns out that there's only one hallway and one cutscene after this room. So yes, I didn't fully beat the game but I did complete 99.9% of it. That much effort is far more than this game deserved.

  So after the hell room and straightforward easy hallway following it, you reach some bulletproof glass behind which Goldfinger makes his grand villain speech with the OMEN by his side. Unbeknownst to him, GoldenEye (that is , the player) has been using this moment to hack the OMEN and activate it, killing the evil mastermind and his remaining henchman. Were you expecting a final boss fight or something? What are you, crazy? Pussy Galore picks up the agent in her helicopter and the two celebrate with a victory shag. Little do they know that the events of this whole game were part of not-Blofeld's plan and that he and Scaramanga (who was in on it) will be keeping an eye on the rogue agent.

  So that does it for the singleplayer campaign and to sum it all up it's one of the most dreary and joyless video games I ever forced myself to slog through (or at least 99.9% of the way through). The plot is uninteresting, the enemies suck, and the levels are obscenely long. What it needed – aside from the aforementioned level design and gameplay variety – was a main character who had a bit of personality. Never once throughout the entire game, including cutscenes, does GoldenEye speak or even show some character. He's an empty skull for the player to rent. GoldenEye: Rogue Agent would've also benefited from a level in which you could fight James Bond as a boss. How cool would that be?

  As for multiplayer, I can't really say all that much because I didn't play too much of it. There's two reasons why. The first is that there's no bots, which is a real letdown because multiplayer shooters are generally funner with more opponents (plus previous 007 games did have bots). The second is that the GoldenEye abilities, which are available in MP, take some explaining/getting used to for players who haven't played the singleplayer campaign – and let me tell you, I've never met anyone else who played Rogue Agent's SP. Other than that, the multiplayer is pretty average. There's few match types, the character skins are dull, and the weapons are all the same as in SP. The most noteworthy thing about this game mode is the maps which most 007 fans may find rather interesting. There's maps based on Tomorrow Never Dies, A View to a Kill, The Man With the Golden Gun, and Moonraker, and a lot of them have traps that can be activated on one's opponents.

  And that's all there is to say about GoldenEye: Rogue Agent; it's a very dull, very bland, very colourless FPS that barely feels like it has anything to do with the 007 franchise. It's no wonder the game's box comes with a flashy “007 Presents:” sticker on it, just to remind you what it is. They even took the name of the most popular 007 game ever – GoldenEye 64 – and slapped it on this one in a blatant cash-in attempt. It doesn't work because this doesn't feel like a Bond game, nor does it feel like a Bond villain game. It's a no name henchman simulator, a wasted opportunity destined to be forgotten by all but the most hardcore of Bond fan completionists. For everyone else, don't bother with Rogue Agent.